Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 54

Victory, or Defeat?

Thunderfunk watched as Cornelius J. Breadbuuter charged toward him, his sword held high, a bloodcurdling scream making its way from his lips. He waited until the last possible second before yelling “NOW!” and ducking. A soft ‘phoomp’ sounded from the device and a shape flew over Thunderfunk’s head. He glanced up in time to see the clown land gracefully in front of Breadbuuter.

With blinding speed, the clown began his attack. He pulled out a balloon sword that popped against Breadbuuter’s sword, revealing a deadly blade within. The clown leapt around, landing a few kicks with his giant feet. The two continued a furious battle, each one scoring a glancing blow with the sword.

While attempting a high kick, Breadbuuter slipped on the muddy ground. He fell on his back, his sword flying from his hand. The clown smiled and raised his sword. Suddenly he crossed his eyes and fell woozily to the ground. Tom’s puppet spit out the frying pan it was holding in its mouth and turned slowly to gaze at Thunderfunk. For a moment, nothing moved.

Thunder stopped, now standing only a few feet away from his archnemesis who was regaining his feet. The two stood, staring at each other for a long time. “So this is it,” said Thunder quietly.

“I suppose it is,” replied Breadbuuter.

Straw slammed the automatic pilot button on his console and raced out of the room. There was no way that he was letting Thunder face Breadbuuter and Tom on his own. By the time he reached the battleground, he could see the battle was already going on, and Thunder was on the defensive, being driven back step by step.

As he was running, Straw stumbled over something, falling heavily to the ground. As he rose to his feet, he glanced at what tripped him, smiling devilishly when he saw what it was.

Thunder stepped back again, dodging another blow. This could not last for long. Suddenly he heard a voice. “Tom!” it yelled. Everyone stopped and glanced over. A pair of popping sounds was followed by loud chittering noises that grew louder. Thunder smiled as the first squirrel flew by, snagging Tom’s puppet as it did. Before he had a chance to react, a second squirrel landed squarely on his head, biting and clawing furiously.

Noticing his foe’s distraction, Thunder stepped forward and landed a devastating blow on Breadbuuter’s chin, sending him flying. And then there was no more time to think. The final battle was on.

Straw tossed the gun aside and charged at Tom, tackling him hard. The two of them began to trade blows. A quick series of punches was followed by a flurry of kicks, but most of them were blocked by Tom. He grabbed Straw and tossed him, following up with his own blows, just missing crushing Straw’s skull by inches. The two of them continued to fight, not finding time for words, just trying to land a killing blow.

Meanwhile, Cornelius J. Breadbuuter and Thunderfunk the Superchicken were out for blood. They both ignored any opportunity for taunts and insults in favour of brutal combat. Breadbuuter tried to regain his sword, but was savagely punched by the giant chicken. They turned on each other, fighting up close and personal, and dirty. They were not above using any cheap trick that they could think of to gain an upper hand. Breadbuuter bit Thunder while the chicken tried to hit him in a very tender area. Soon the two of them were battered and bruised, blood flowing freely from a series of cuts. Thunder, down on one knee for a moment, spared a glance at his protege, noting with a grimace that Straw seemed to be facing a losing battle.

Putting one wing on the ground to push himself to his feet, a stab of pain shot up his arm. Yelling furiously, he shook his hand, glaring at the turtle clinging furiously there. “Louie!” he screamed. “You are so fired.” He shook his hand again and dislodged the poor reptile, sending him flying through the air, that self-satisfied smirk on his face once again.

Straw stumbled and fell, screaming with pain as Tom scored a hard blow on his shoulder. Light danced before his eyes and he prepared himself for the killing blow. Instead, all Tom said was ‘Thud’ and then ‘ow. Hey quit it.” Blinking rapidly, Straw cleared his vision and saw Tom dancing around, a turtle clinging furiously onto his finger. A large welt was growing on his head.

“Way to go Louie,” muttered Straw. He jumped to his feet and using the momentary distraction, he leapt forward, levelling Tom with a bonecrushing tackle, doing his dead-level best to drive his shoulder through Tom’s sternum. With a whoosh, all of the air left Tom’s lungs. They landed hard and rolled a few times, Straw landing on top. Tom groaned weakly. Making a fist, Straw glared at his foe. “I’d like you to meet my sock puppet.” His fist flew forward and socked Tom in the face, knocking him cold. Straw smiled, glad he could use a pun in such an effective manner.

Rising gingerly to his feet, he looked to see where Thunder was. The two had moved their battle a long ways away. Moving as fast as he could, Straw began to run.

“You can’t defeat me,” growled Thunder. He landed another haymaker, feeling the jolt of the punch all the way up his arm. “I am the best.”

Cornelius flew threw the air and landed hard, but he got to his feet quickly. “You were nothing before I found you,” he said, spitting out blood and teeth. “You owe everything to me.”

“I owe you nothing,” spat Thunder, swinging wildly. He missed and Breadbuuter was quick to take advantage, landing a series of punches that sent Thunder stumbling back several feet before falling.

“You think you can win,” said Breadbuuter, reaching down. He opened a hidden hatch and pulled out a conveniently placed handheld missile launcher. “But you should have chosen your battleground more wisely.” He levelled the launcher and squeezed the trigger.

Straw skidded to a halt as soon as he saw the missile launcher. He was too far away to do anything. He watched in horror as it all played out. Thunder, in desperation, reached down and scooped up a handful of dirt, throwing it in Breadbuuter’s face just as he squeezed the trigger. He threw his hands up, throwing the missile off target. It flew almost straight up about fifty feet before it was blown out of the air by the device’s anti-missile laser. A fireball began to expand in every direction as Thunderfunk and Cornelius charged at each other, screaming loudly enough to be heard over the roar of the explosion. They slammed into each other at full force just as the fireball reached them. The last thing that Straw saw before covering his eyes was a small cat leaping onto Straw’s back, an odd look of satisfaction on its face.

When the fireball disappeared, Straw rubbed his eyes and looked, but there was nothing to be seen. Thunderfunk the Superchicken was gone.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 53

Penultimate

The first thing that Cornelius J. Breadbuuter saw when he reached his secret command centre was the flashing lights. A dim red light was shining steadily, its colour being broken up by the blinking green and yellow lights across the panel. He sat in his chair and started throwing switches and hitting buttons. He called up his various cameras that were set up across his estate. It was the fourth camera that showed him what he was afraid to see.

Rising up from under Thunderfunk the Superchicken’s grounds was a giant machine, its outside bristling with frightening looking weapons. The device was even more frightening than he had imagined. Before it even had a chance to fully rise to ground level, he fired every missile he had left. They flew with the speed of a thought.

As they neared their target, they began to explode, turning the sky into a medley of reds and oranges, light covered in smoke. Not a single missile made its intended destination. “He must have some sort of laser grid defence!” Breadbuuter was not pleased.

Suddenly a klaxon sounded, blaring from a speaker in the wall, set a little to close to the chair he was using. He looked at his radar, and a hundred points of light seemed to leap from the device. Without thinking he reached over and slapped his automatic defences. The entire room vibrated slightly as each missile exploded, but he was too far down to be hurt and the missiles all blew up too far away to do any real damage. The first round was a draw, but he knew the fight was not over.

One of his screens began to flicker, which was odd. Perhaps an explosion had gotten closer than he thought...


“First squirrel is away,” said Thunder into his radio. He pointed his squirrel gun another direction and fired again. In quick succession he fired six more squirrels over the fence where they scurried to find any wire they could and chew on it.

“Roger that,” replied Straw. He was sitting in the lair, guiding the device by remote control. It slowly began to rumble across the grass, firing off mortar rounds as it did. Breadbuuter’s guards began running from where they had been, firing their weapons. Thunderfunk responded at the same time as the device. Squirrels began raining out, leaping onto the guards, biting and scratching. At the same time, the device fired out dozens of turtles at the guards. The hard shells bounced off of the guards, knocking many unconscious. Once the turtles had landed, they would find the nearest person they could and begin biting, latching on with their powerful and sharp beaks. Many guards fell to these vicious creatures.

Thunderfunk ran forward, firing another squirrel, knocking a guard out cold. Suddenly something clamped onto his leg. He cried out with pain and reached down, grabbing the offending creature and ripping it off. He glared at the turtle menacingly. “Louie!” he cried. “You are so not getting a Christmas bonus this year. Now go do something useful.” Rearing back, he threw the turtle at an approaching guard, catching him right on the chin. If he had not known better, he would think that the turtle had been smiling. But that, clearly, was ridiculous.

A hole appeared in the fence near him, a victim of the mortar rounds. More guards poured through the holes. “Fire the soap,” yelled Thunder.

“Will do,” replied Straw. As the device continued to move forward, a spout popped out and suddenly a stream of soapy water came spewing forth into the path of the guards. Unable to stop their momentum, they slipped and fell heavily where they were quickly handled by the turtles, squirrels, and spaghetti. Tomato sauce and meatballs soon followed.

“Was that really necessary?” asked Thunder, pausing to admire the mess.

“I’ve never been clear what the spaghetti was for,” replied Straw. “I figured this was as good a time as any to use it.”

“Fair enough,” replied Thunder. “It is time for the ping pong balls,” he said. He counted to ten and then sprinted for the hole, hoping that all of the guards were gone, as it appeared.

A hail of hockey pucks began to fly over his head. Normally, the ping pong balls would create a cloud of cover that would allow him to sneak onto the grounds unobserved. Hopefully the pucks were going to do the same.


Cornelius sat in his chair, devastated. His defences were overwhelmed. His fence was destroyed by the mortar rounds, as were his lava crocodile pit and his escape vehicles. The grounds and house had taken heavy damage as well. And now there were hockey pucks flying around as well. As he watched, he saw his last remaining guard take a puck right to the face. He made a mental note to schedule that man for a dental appointment. Suddenly some movement caught his eye. It was hard to make out, but it looked like Thunderfunk was sneaking onto the grounds. With a roar of anger, Breadbuuter leapt to his feet and grabbed his sword. It was time to finish this.

Fools of us All - Chapter 55

Caz

“Don’t get used to this,” I muttered as the door swung shut behind us. The building was dark inside, the only illumination coming from some open doors. A low murmur of voices could be heard throughout. “We need to find an empty room,” I whispered. We crept down the hall to the first room. I peeked around the corner for a split second. Turning to Spin, I leaned forward. “There are people in here without helmets,” I whispered. “Give me my gun back and act like we are here on business.” I grabbed the weapon he held out and holstered it, indicating he should do the same. “And give me the papers.” Once I had them, I turned and walked briskly into the room, studying the papers as I did.

“Excuse me,” came a voice. I looked up, acting surprised to see anyone there. “Can I help you?” asked a stern looking woman.

“Sorry,” I said, trying to look confused. “I was told that the first room on the left would be empty and I could use it. I have some work to do,” I finished vaguely, indicating my papers.

The woman relaxed. “Amazing how poorly the communication department communicates, isn’t it,” she said with a tired grin. “The room at the end of the hall should be free,” she continued after checking a paper in her hand. “Try not to be too long.”

I nodded politely and left the room, trying not to run. I nodded at Spin who followed without saying a word. We got to the empty room and I sat down. “Stand guard,” I said as I began to turn on machines. As everything began to hum, I glanced through the papers, feeling sick as I did. These papers proved what I had feared. There were no aliens. The supposed attacks had been faked in an effort to scare people into giving more power to the military, leading to fewer rights and freedoms. This was nothing but a power play.

Fortunately, the news was still willing to print anything that was sensational, and this would be the most sensational thing they had ever seen. As soon as the computers I needed were running, I scanned the pages as fast as I could. Within minutes, the entire contents of the papers were sent to every news agency I could think of. The truth would be told.

“You ready to go,” I said to Spin as I shut the machines down again.

“I think I want to stay,” he replied, a slight quaver in his voice.

“Why would you want to do that?” I asked as I turned around.

“Because the woman with the gun against my face asked me to.”

I sighed and tossed her my gun, raising my eyebrows at Spin, who could only shrug and look apologetic.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 52

Fair Warning

Cornelius J. Breadbuuter settled back in his chair, brooding. A fire crackled in the fireplace, warming his toes. A snifter of brandy was perched on the table near his elbow, its contents half emptied already. Light was cast from the fire, creating flickering shadows that danced to music only they could hear. The scene was calm and peaceful, as relaxing an evening as one could wish for, and Breadbuuter hated it.

For two weeks, Thunderfunk the Superchicken had sent a constant barrage of attacks as the evil genius tried to gain access into his home. And then they had stopped. It had been six days now, and there had been nary a peep from his adversary. In all of the years that they had fought with and against each other, this was the longest he had ever seen the giant chicken go without some sort of plan or scheme. Something was wrong and Breadbuuter was worried.

Reaching out carefully, he grabbed his brandy, raising it to his lips for a bracing sip of the drink. Instead, he splashed the entire contents all over his face when the phone’s shrill ring cut through the silence. Grabbing a kerchief, he dabbed at the spilled liquid ineffectually. It was quite likely that his smoking jacket was ruined. Wiping his face, he poured himself another drink, downing it in a single gulp. Pouring another, he splashed it in his face again when Tom appeared at his side. “What do you want?” spluttered Breadbuuter, keeping a wary eye on Tom’s puppet, which was looking a little tattered.

“The phone is for you sir,” said Tom before bowing slightly and backing out of the room. The puppet never stopped staring.

Unnerved, Breadbuuter regarded the nearly empty bottle of brandy for a moment before replacing it on the table. Why risk a third time, he figured. Taking a deep, calming breath instead, he answered the phone. “This is Breadbuuter,” he said authoritatively.

“You’ve had your chance,” came a calm voice. “Now face the device.” The line went dead.

Breadbuuter looked at the phone for a long moment, his face growing pale. With a shaking hand he took up the brandy bottle and drained it down to the last dregs. He sighed contentedly before tearing out of the room to his command centre. It was time to fight!

Fools of us All - Chapter 54

Spin

Caz grabbed my arm and began tugging, her short hair swaying in the cool breeze. “What?” I asked. “Shouldn’t we act cool, like we belong here?”

Her eyes narrowed and she began to run. Something was odd about that. I reached up to rub my face, running my hand along my helmet. “Aw crap,” I muttered. I was wearing my helmet, but she wasn’t wearing hers, or carrying it, which meant that someone was going to find it and we would be caught soon if we didn’t leave now. I tucked the papers we had just stolen into my shirt and began running after Caz.

We had only travelled a few feet when an alarm began to sound. In a way, it was a blessing because it meant everyone started running around the base, so we didn’t look too out of place. Unfortunately, the base quickly entered a lockdown, so there was no way to exit. I caught up to Caz who was now hiding behind a shed. “What do we do?” I asked.

She looked around frantically, her lips pressed together until they were just a thin line on her face. Suddenly her eyes lit up and she focussed on something behind me. I turned around, hoping to see an easy exit. Instead I saw a large building with a giant satellite dish on top. My heart sank. “That’s not a television satellite, is it?” I whispered.

She shook her head, starting forward.

“We’re going to break in there and transmit the contents of these papers, aren’t we?”

She nodded, throwing a grim smile at me over her shoulder. “You’re starting to pick up on things faster,” she said as she broke into a jog.

“Lucky me,” I muttered, following her.

We ran for a moment, trying to stay somewhat hidden. There was still frantic activity going on all around us and we were ignored, but I knew that wouldn’t last. “You’re too conspicuous without your helmet,” I said. “If anyone looks for even a second, we are both toast.”

“I know, but we don’t have any alternative.”

I smiled, even though she couldn’t see it. “Sure we do. Give me your gun.”

“Why?”

“You’re my prisoner. I was told to meet the general at the communications building once I had captured you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” she said. “Why would the general meet you there?”

“I don’t know. But this is the army. I don’t have to know, I just have to do what the general says to do, even if it doesn’t make sense. Do you want to question the general’s orders?”

She didn’t look completely convinced, but she handed me her weapon. “It’s the best option we have,” she said. We continued towards the building, but now I was behind her, my gun pointed at her, and we were walking briskly instead of running. I was glad that the helmet covered my face because there was no way I was keeping a straight face if we were confronted. I could only hope that my voice stayed steady.

We neared the building without being stopped. I saw a couple soldiers notice us, but the ruse seemed to work. I think I may have had a higher ranking uniform, because at least one of them looked like they wanted to say something but hesitated when he saw my uniform.

As we reached the door, a guard stopped us. “You can’t go in there.” He didn’t point his weapon at us, but he moved it slightly, getting it ready to shoot us if needed.

I took a deep breath and plunged ahead with the plan. “I have orders to bring this prisoner here to meet the general.” Good, my voice sounded somewhat steady.

“Why here. Sir.” That confirmed it. My rank was higher than a private, thank goodness.

“I have no idea, son,” I said, trying to sound somewhat exasperated. “When I get an order, I usually don’t ask too many questions. Leads to things like court martials and discharges and, once, a firing squad.” Caz threw a scowl at me that I chose to ignore.

The guard said nothing for a long moment, obviously torn about what to do.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” I said, beginning to turn away. “When the general arrives, would you mind telling him why we weren’t able to meet him like he ordered?” I emphasised the last word slightly.

“Sorry sir, go right in,” said the guard with a nervous squeak.

“Thank you.” I returned the salute he threw me and walked through the door he held open for
me. I could get used to this.

Fools of us All - Chapter 53

CAZ

We found ourselves in a small space, roughly the size of a closet. I shut the hidden door behind us and we were plunged into darkness. The only light came from a small peephole set in the wall in front of us. I squeezed past Spin to take a look.

“What do you see?” hissed Spin in my ear.

“It looks like a spare bedroom,” I replied. A bed was in the corner, made with military precision, the corners tucked in so tight you could trap a person beneath the sheets. A small desk with a lamp was near the bed. One wall was lined with bookshelves. The light was off in the room, but the door was open, giving me a view of the room beyond. I could see the edge of the general’s desk, and his elbow resting on it. His aide was standing at the window, looking out into the night. He was stroking his chin with one hand, an intense look of concentration on his face. I could hear muffled talking, but couldn’t make out any words. Spin’s breathing was loud in my ears.

“What do we do now?” he asked.

“I think we can get into the room, but we have to wait for the general and his aide to leave.” As though they had been listening, the general’s aide walked to the door, opened it for the general, and the two of them exited. The room was plunged into darkness.

Surprised, but not wanting to waste the opportunity, I felt around the edges of the seeming wall in front of me. A small knot seemed loose, and when I pushed it, the wall swung open. We crept through the bedroom and into the main room, keeping our heads down. I removed my helmet and placed it on the seat at the desk. “We need to find some proof,” I whispered. “I’ll look through the desk, you look at the cabinet in the corner.”

“Roger,” he replied.

We rifled through papers for a while, not finding much that was helpful. I looked through each drawer twice, but still didn’t see anything that could be considered proof. I sat down on the floor, puzzled. This was a military operation. There had to be a paper trail somewhere. I stared at the desk. It was an old oak desk, stained a deep red colour and polished so that it shone, even in the dim light. It had one thin drawer at the hole where the chair rested that held pencils and other stationery supplies. On either side of there were three drawers. The top two were the same size, but the bottom one was larger, which bugged me for some reason.

I pulled out the drawer and looked at the papers that were resting there. I pulled out the second drawer and saw that both drawers were full and were holding the same amount of paper.
I groaned audibly.

“What’s the matter?” asked Spin. He closed the last drawer on the cabinet he had been examining and came over.

“There’s a false bottom in this drawer,” I replied. “I should have known. It’s so obvious.” I pulled out the papers and felt around the empty drawer until I figured out how to open it. With a soft click the false bottom popped up, revealing another stack of papers. I grabbed them and gave a quick scan. “Yeah, this is what we are looking for.” I handed the papers to Spin and then returned the remaining papers to their rightful spot. “Let’s get out of here.”

Just then, the door handle rattled and voices could be heard from the other side. Spin and I bolted to the hidden room, closing it just in time. As we snuck out into the cool night air, my heart sank.

My helmet was still on the general’s desk.

Fools of us All - Chapter 52

SPIN

“Why did I know you were going to say that?” I lamented. I was starting to get the feeling that spending time with Caz was never going to get easier. “Who can we tell that would believe us?” I whispered.

“No one,” she replied. “We need proof.”

I looked at her before peering into the room once again. The general was leaning back in his chair, his feet up on his desk, polished so fine that they were like a mirror. I ducked back, worried that he could see me in them. “We need to break into his office, don’t we.”

The helmet across from me bobbed the affirmative. Sometimes it was no fun being right.

“The night is cooling off. Close the window for me, would you?” The general leaned forward, putting his feet back on the floor. A loud creak emerged from the chair as his weight shifted.

“Of course, sir.” His face remained bland as he walked towards where we were crouched. There was no time to hide, so we did the only suitable thing. When the aide reached the window, we saluted him crisply and walked away resolutely once he had returned the gesture. Once around the corner of the building, we stopped holding our breath.

“That was too close,” I remarked, but she wasn’t listening. She was already formulating the plan for getting the proof we needed. “Let me know when you think of something,” I said, leaning against the building, falling flat on my face when the hidden door popped open.

“I’ve thought of something,” said Caz.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 51

The Beginning of the End

“How are the preparations coming?” Thunderfunk paced the control room nervously.

Lights flashed a rainbow of colour across Straw Daq’s face as the clicking of various buttons being pushed flooded the room. His hands were a blur as has flipped switches and turned dials. Sweat ran down his face, falling to splash on the rubberized tile. “Things are going well,” he said tersely.

“Excellent.” Thunder wrung his hands. “Are the lasers in place?”

“Yes. And I calibrated them myself.”

“Good. What about the incendiary devices?”

“Placed at the best strategic locations.”

“Grenade launchers?”

“Loaded and armed.” Straw wiped his brow with a damp sock.

“Mortar rounds?”

“Prepped.”

“Missiles?”

“Coordinates loaded and warheads armed.”

“Squirrel gun?”

“Ready.”

“Clown?”

“Just putting on his make up. We had an issue with the wig, but we think it has been handled.”

“Good. We certainly do not want a repeat of Grenada.”

Straw shuddered at the memory.

“Vacuum?”

“Bag emptied, ready to go.”

“Screwdriver?”

“I’ve gone with a Robertson this time. Seemed apropos given the circumstances.”

“A fine choice.” Thunder sat down, closing his eyes for a moment before leaping to his feet. “Spaghetti?”

“Al dente.”

“Soap?”

“Nice and sudsy.”

“Turtles?”

“Shells are waxed and buffed. One wasn’t feeling in a bitey mood, but I reminded him that he was contractually obligated.”

“It was Louie, wasn’t it.” Thunder rubbed the spot at the bridge of his beak that always seemed to calm him down. “I never should have hired him.”

“Don’t worry, it will be okay.”

“Okay. Did you get the ping pong balls?”

Straw grimaced and breathed in through a clenched mouth. “The store was sold out. All they had left was hockey pucks, and not very many of those.”

“It will have to do.” The two looked at each other for a long moment. “It is time, isn’t it.”

Straw nodded.

“Very well.” Thunder tugged on his tuxedo jacket and straightened his bow tie. “Then make the call.”

Fools of us All - Chapter 51

CAZ

“Would you like a drink, sir?” asked the aide. He grabbed a series of bottles, deftly pouring and mixing a cocktail of some sort.

“Wha..oh, yes. Of course.” The general scrawled his signature at the bottom of a page. As he accepted the drink, he sat back, rubbing his neck. “That’s good,” he complimented his aide.

“Only the best for you, sir,” came the smooth reply. I was surprised at how casual this aide was with such an important man. Judging from the plethora of stars and stripes on the general’s uniform, he must have been the highest man in the army.

“Have we received any reports back from the field?” The general tipped his glass up, finishing the entire drink.

“Everything is proceeding as planned,” replied the aide. He quickly prepared a new drink.

“I’m still not comfortable with this,” said the general, accepting the new drink.

A sour expression flitted across the aide’s face, but it was gone before the general could notice. “I understand, General Toshi, but you saw how restless the workers were getting. We needed something to stop any chance of them organising or revolting. We need them under control and faking some alien attacks was enough to get them scared and clamouring for our help and control. Plus, revealing this information to the public will unite them and make them think that they need us to protect them as well. Everyone is under our control now.”

The general leaned back, holding out an empty glass. “I guess so,” he said reluctantly. “I am curious how you managed to set up the fake attacks so quickly.”

The aide smiled his oily smile. “It is amazing what bureaucracy can accomplish when the goal is its own gain.”

I pulled back from the window, staring at nothing for a long time. “We have to reveal the truth,” I whispered. I glanced over at Spin whose shoulders visibly slumped.

“Why did I know you were going to say that?” he lamented.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 50

Almost There

The next few days were busy for the evil supergenius. Straw Daq watched as his employer descended into madness. Actually, Thunderfunk the Superchicken had been mad from the day he hatched. “He came out half scrambled”, his father was fond of saying.

But Straw worried nonetheless. He had never seen Thunder so focussed before. There were several easy opportunities for megalomania that he ignored. He even, in his distraction, said hello to Mrs. Henderson without cursing or sighing. All he wanted to do was attack Breadbuuter.

One attempt after another failed. They drove a tank at his gates, only to be met with a barrage of anti-tank weaponry, such as a giant lizard foot falling from the sky to crush it. They tried to fly a helicopter over his house, but a laser guided laser sliced the rotors clean off and a humongous mallet smacked the falling helicopter far away. They tunnelled towards his land, only to accidentally hit the lava crocodile pit. Not much gets the heart pumping like being chased through a tunnel by a lava crocodile. As well as lava. The lowest of the low moments came when they dressed in girl guide uniforms and tried to sell cookies at the front gate.

Finally, after two weeks of failure, Thunder sat on his red leather chair, one arm in bandages, a bald spot in his feathers where the stiches had gone in. He slowly raised his head, meeting his protege’s eyes with an icy gaze. “It’s time,” he said.

“Prepare the device.”

Fools of us All - Chapter 50

SPIN

I couldn’t see her face, but I could tell from how her shoulders slumped that Caz was relieved about something. “What’s up?” I asked as we strolled around the side of the building. When we were hidden in the shadows, she removed her helmet.

“Didn’t you recongise that guy?” she hissed.

I glanced around but couldn’t see him anymore, so I shrugged.

“That was the general’s aide.”

“Which general?”

“The one that captured me when we first got back.” She wiped her brow and then put her helmet back on.

“Oh right. The guy I smacked in the face. Hey, if his aide is here, do you think the general would be too?”

Her helmet bobbed up and down in the dim light. We slunk over to a nearby window and peered inside. The general was sitting at a desk, reading over some papers. He glanced towards us, revealing the remnants of a nasty bruise around his eye and cheek, a bruise that closely resembled the butt end of the gun I had hit him with.

The door behind him opened and the aide returned, flicking a cigarette butt into the night. As they began to talk, I couldn’t help but wonder if the fear that had seemed to flash across the general’s face was real, or just a trick of the light.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 49

Attempt Number One

Applying black face paint over feathers was harder than it looked, but it was an essential part of late night skullduggery, largely because Thunderfunk was a white chicken with a white head, so he was highly visible, even at night. He finished the last touches, smearing the greasy paint on his neck feathers. “There, how do I look?” he asked Straw.

“Too much mascara,” replied the young man without looking up. He had been ready for an hour, but it was always much easier for him. “Can we go now?” he whined.

“Yes, the time for us to depart has arrived,” said Thunder.

They slunk out of their secret lair, moving silently through the inky blackness, grateful for the lack of a moon. Soon they had reached their destination. “This part of his fence is always neglected,” whispered Thunder, reaching forward to grasp the metal wire.

Straw looked around. “I smell barbecue,” he said, puzzled. “Who in the world would be barbecuing this late at night?”

“Hnng!” replied Thunder, his entire body stiff, smoke curling from under his black toque.

“Oh,” said Straw. He grabbed a stick and knocked Thunder’s hand off of the fence. The giant chicken slumped to the ground, babbling incoherently.

“I took the liberty of rewiring the fence for electricity,” came Breadbuuter’s voice over a hidden speaker. “Did you like it?”

“Hrrg!” replied Thunder sullenly. He rose to his feet shakily and tottered off, limping visibly.

Straw looked around, unsure of the protocol. “Sorry to have bothered you,” he finally said before running into the darkness. He bounced off of the fence with a loud zap. Rising to his feet, he glanced around. Patting his head until the flames went out, turned and followed Thunder into the darkness.

Fools of us All - Chapter 49

CAZ

It was absurdly easy to break into the base. The M.E.R.C. troops were well trained, but not overly observant, and having two extra soldiers wasn’t noticed by anyone. As soon as we were inside the base, we snuck away from the soldiers. The darkness provided many shadows in which to hide. I had never been here before, but the basic layout of the bases was pretty standard.

We paused at the corner of a building. “There’s no cover here,” I whispered. “We need to get to that building over there.”

“Let me guess,” came Spin’s reply. “We are going to casually walk across the open space and hope no one stops us.”

“You have a better idea?”

“Sadly, no.”

I knew the best way to get away with any deception, and that was to act like you belonged. So I strode with confidence as though I had done this many times before and knew exactly where I was going. By the time we reached the other building, my heart was pounding so hard it almost hurt. But we had made it.

Just then, the door opened and out stepped a man, an unlit cigarette dangling from him mouth. “Do you have a light, soldier?” he asked.

“No sir,” replied Spin, patting his pockets as though looking for matches or a lighter.

“That’s okay,” replied the highly decorated officer as he wandered away.

I was glad that Spin had answered because my heart had crawled into my throat and cowered in fear. Coming face to face with the general’s aide had almost been more than I could take.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 48

Set Up

“Come face me you coward!” Thunder raised his fist to the security camera, shaking vigorously.

The small tv set in the wall of the guard room sprang to life. “Oh, I think not, my dear colleague.” Breadbuuter’s large face filled the screen. “We have said all we have to say to each other.”

“We had an agreement...a gentleman’s accord. How dare you violate it?” Spittle flew from Thunder’s beak.

“Hah!” Breadbuuter threw his head back, flailing his arms to catch his balance. “That agreement was not worth the paper it was printed on. This is not a game, good sir. And I would thank you to leave my premises before I release the hounds.”

“You don’t have hounds.”

“True. I do have an angry, trained hummingbird though.”

Thunder’s eyes went wide. “All right, I shall leave. But I’ll return. And when I do, only one of us will emerge alive!” As he turned to go, a man in a guard’s uniform flew through the air. “He had better not be late on Monday,” muttered Thunder as he stalked away.

Fools of us All - Chapter 48

SPIN

In all of my life, I had had no experience with the military whatsoever. On occasion I would see army trucks drive by on the highway. Once I stood in line at a Tim Horton’s behind a guy in uniform. That was about it. And then I met Caz. Since then I had been attacked by some crazy army men in a hospital, flung across time and space only to be attacked by a whole lot of soldiers in a warehouse, impersonated a guard to rescue Caz, been on the run from the army, had a fight with the guards at the scrivener base (who were not strictly army, but that’s hardly the point) and now I was about to break into a highly guarded military base to see if aliens were indeed attacking the mining colonies out in space.

I gave Caz an appraising look. “Seems okay to me,” I said. There were some advantages to breaking into the military base as opposed to the scrivener hall. For one, women were allowed in the military, so she would not stand out quite so obviously. Second, most of the M.E.R.C. uniforms included helmets with face shields. Third, there were no tracking devices like the scriveners wore, so it was easier to get in. And fourth, Caz still knew some of the codes and passwords from her time with the organisation.

We had completed the first step: we were wearing M.E.R.C. uniforms. They were slightly rumpled, but they fit well enough. The helmets had some information on a display on the inside of them, but not too much. My guess was that the people in charge did not trust their foot soldiers with too much information, so unlike the movies I had seen, I could not look at Caz and know everything about her.

A few moments later we were hiding behind a small knoll near the base. The uniforms were surprisingly warm in the chilly night air. Our helmets were sitting on the ground beside us as we found them to be somewhat stifling. We were waiting for something, but I was not sure what. Caz had grown less communicative in the past hour, simply shushing me whenever I asked for the plan. I couldn’t imagine we would just walk through the front gate, even with our disguises.

A line of soldiers appeared, marching towards the front gate. “Right on time,” I heard Caz mutter. She grabbed her helmet and put it on. I followed suit. The soldiers passed uncomfortably near to where we were sitting, but none seemed to notice. As they passed, Caz moved silently until she was walking behind the last guy in line.

I hesitated for a moment and then shook my head before joining her. Maybe we would walk through the front gate after all.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 47

Severance Package

Straw snuck out of the house, hiding behind a tree. “Mrs. Henderson,” he called out softly.

No answer.

“Mrs. Hen-nnnn-der-rrrrrr-son,” he repeated, his voice carrying further this time.

No response.

“I think it’s safe,” he shouted to the house.

“Humph.” Thunderfunk stalked onto the front walk. “I’m sure she will return. Let us depart post haste. And fire the guard.”

“Let me guess. Out of a cannon?”

“Actually, I wanted you to terminate his employment. But I like your idea better.”

“But...” Straw watched his boss walk away. Shaking his head, he walked towards the guard’s booth. The good news for the guard was that technically he was going to keep his job.

Assuming he survived.

Fools of us All - Chapter 47

CAZ

I took the binoculars from Spin and gazed at the base. There was not much activity going on at the moment, and it was bothering me. I thought that there should be more people moving around, more frantic activity. War had just been declared on an alien race, and the army wasn’t doing anything.

Spin sighed heavily beside me. “What?” I asked, not looking at him, knowing what I would see.

“I don’t see why we had to come out here in the cold,” he grumbled.

“Because the so-called war won’t wait for the weather to warm up. Besides, it’s not that cold out.”

“I can see my breath,” he replied. He was rubbing his arms vigorously, trying to warm up. “So what’s the plan?” he finally asked when I failed to respond to his complaining.

“Something’s wrong,” I answered. “We need to get in there and get some information.”

He groaned. “This is going to end with pain, isn’t it.”

I nodded. No sense in lying to him now.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 46

Anger Inducing

“Blast that infernal woman!” Thunderfunk had tired of waiting long before Mrs. Henderson had. He was now stalking from door to door, opening them and growling in frustration as he found Mrs. Henderson in front of the door, waiting for him each time. Even the secret entrances were not free from her presence.

Now he was sitting in his secret lair, brooding. He needed to get to Breadbuuter’s house so he could properly confront him. This was no time for delays of meaningless gossip and idle chit chat.

Straw entered the lair and stood behind him for a while. “You know, it would just be easier to talk to her,” he reasoned. “She is not going away. She’s brought enough yarn to knit a tent.”

On the video screens, Thunder watched as Mrs. Henderson continued to knit (or was she crocheting?) something colourful.

“Bah!” said the Superchicken.

“Maybe she will be quick once she talks to you?” Straw was clearly grasping at, well, straws.

“And again I say, ‘Bah’!” said Thunder. But time was running short. “Oh fine,” he groused. “I will meet her at the front door.” With that, he was off like a shot, hoping against hope that he would beat her there. He flung open the door and sighed heavily. “Come in, Mrs. Henderson,” he said angrily.

“Oh, no thank you dear,” said Mrs. Henderson, smiling up at him. “I was just wondering if you had seen Mr Penticton recently? The naughty thing has run off again and he will be late for din-dins.”

“Mrs. Henderson,” began Thunder with exaggerated calm, “I told you that I would destroy your cat with a laser if I found him on my property again, but I lied. I shot him out of a cannon.”

She smiled benignly at him. “That’s wonderful dear. Hello Straw,” she called, peeking around Thunder. “If you see Mr Penticton, could you send him back home?”

“Sure thing Mrs. H,” replied Straw Daq enthusiastically.

“What a dear young lad.” Mrs. Henderson placed a hand on Thunder’s arm for a second and then turned to leave. “Call me if you find him,” she said over her shoulder. And then she was gone.

Thunder stared at her back, crestfallen. He turned to face Straw, who was grinning like an idiot. “If you say one word,” he said to the young pilot, his voice low and devoid of energy, “I will fire you out of the cannon. One. Piece. At. A. Time.” With that, he stalked away to the bathroom. Revenge on Breadbuuter would wait. He needed a soothing bubble bath first.

Fools of us All - Chapter 46

SPIN

I stared at Caz, unsure of what to do. She was pacing the room frantically but not saying anything. I had not expected my news to have any effect on her at all beyond distracting her from our situation for a little while. I had not seen any aliens as of yet, nor heard of any talk beyond the usual rumours and hillbilly UFO sightings, so I assumed that there had been no intelligent life found anywhere else. I had figured it would be an interesting intellectual exercise.

“We have to go,” she kept saying, over and over again. She was limping slightly on her artificial leg.

“Go where?” I asked warily, standing with my back against the door. I think I was unconsciously guarding it, keeping her from rushing off and doing something stupid.

“Out there, to the mines.” She stopped suddenly and whirled around to stare at me. “We have to stop them.”

I couldn’t help myself. I laughed. “You mean you want us to go out to the mines. In space. And stop the aliens? The aliens that might not even exist?”

I think laughing was the wrong response. She shot across the room like she had been fired from a rail gun, pinning me against the door. Even though I was almost a foot taller than her, I was helpless to stop her. She was a ball of fury and it was all focussed on me at the moment. “We have to go out there. I have to know!” was all she said. She pushed me aside and opened the door.

I coughed a few times, rubbing my throat where she had grabbed it. Hurrying after her, I tried to appeal to her reason. “We can’t just go off half-cocked,” I croaked. “We don’t know anything about what’s going on.” She ignored me and kept walking. “There are no such things as aliens!” I said.

That stopped her. She turned around and faced me. “Then how did my father die?” she asked angrily.

All I could do was shrug. “I don’t know,” I said helplessly. She had never told me, but I was sensing a connection. “Was he a miner?”

She nodded.

“Maybe it was just an accident. Mining always seems to be a dangerous operation, no matter when people are doing it.”

She shook her head. “There was always something about his death that bothered me.” The fury had gone from her demeanour, and she just looked tired. “I can’t shake the feeling that there was something sinister about his ‘accident’.”

“Yeah, but aliens? Has anyone ever seen an alien? Does anyone really believe they exist?”

With a sigh, she shook her head.

“Well then, maybe we should see what we can find here first before we head off into space.”

An odd expression crossed her face. “We? Don’t you want to go home?”

I shrugged. “Sure, at some point. But I can’t imagine how that is going to happen now. The time machine is either destroyed or in the hands of the M.E.R.C.s, which is much the same thing. I may as well help you until we can figure something out. I’m just not going to assume it is aliens.”

We walked in silence for a while until we reached a hidden door. A quick peek through the spy hole showed it to be at the end of a dark alleyway, so we snuck out, carefully marking its position in case we needed to hide again.

Reaching the end of the alley, we stepped out of the shadow into the bright sunshine. A large screen on the side of a nearby building was showing a live news report.

“And the government has released this footage along with the following statement: ‘For the first time in humanities history, we are seeing evidence of extraterrestrial life.’” The video showed a strange spaceship flying in to frame at a high speed and landing roughly. A pair of strange beings leapt out of the ship and lowered weapons, firing them indiscriminately into a crowd of terrified miners. A few moments later, the aliens and the ship were gone. The newscaster’s face appeared again, a freeze frame of one of the aliens face floating above his left shoulder. “‘We do not condone these attacks,’ the statement continues, ‘and we will be responding swiftly to defend ourselves.’

“The military has issued a call to all reservists and cancelled all leave. Troops and ships will begin shipping out soon.” He continued to drone in the background, but we stopped listening. We stepped back into the alley. Caz looked at me pointedly.

I looked back at her, and all I could think to say was “huh. Answers one question anyway.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 45

The Waiting Game (Is Not Much Fun)

Thunder moved the shade on the window a fraction of an inch. Mrs. Henderson was still out there, smiling benignly.

But she would move eventually. He could wait.

He could wait.

Fools of us All - Chapter 45

CAZ

I sat up suddenly. My stomach heaved, but there was nothing in it to expel. I took several deep breaths and closed my eyes until my head stopped spinning. Cautiously, I opened my eyes and looked around. There was not much to see in the gloomy light that was shining through a single window set high in the wall. I was in a room, lying on a pad on the floor. The walls were damp there was an unpleasant odour in the air. I wrinkled my nose and then made an attempt at standing.

A jolt of pain spread from my shoulder, but I gritted my teeth and leaned on the wall, waiting for it to subside. My arm was bound against my body, keeping it immobile. My artificial leg was stiff as I walked around the room.

When the door opened a few minutes later, I was poking at some of the electronic innards of my leg. It needed a good cleaning, but that seemed to be the extent of the damage. I replaced the skin and winced as I could feel it self-healing.

“Here’s some food,” said Spin. He brought over a hunk of bread with some meat and cheese.

I ate in silence, accepting the small flask of water and washing down my impromptu meal. “Nothing for you?” I asked, wiping the crumbs on my pants.

He shook his head. “I already ate,” he said, falling silent again.

We stared at each other in the gloom. “How long was I out?”

“About two weeks.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Long enough for you to heal I guess.” I stared at his arm. There seemed to be no bruising or anything, and he was moving it freely.

“Yeah, well,” he said. “So I’ve been getting information, at least as best I can, and something seems to be happening that I don’t understand. I thought you could help.”

I studied him intensely for a moment. He didn’t want to tell me something, but I was not sure what that might be. “What,” I asked wearily, deciding not to press the point.

“The news has been reporting possible alien contact in the mines. It‘s put the story of two fugitives stealing valuable archival material off the front page.”

His words hit me like a punch to the stomach. I slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. “Daddy?” The word slipped out without me meaning to say it. I jumped suddenly to my feet, all other considerations forgotten. I had a question that needed answering, and it needed answering now.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 44

Ice Cream is a Dish Best Served Cold. Or Deep Fried.

“Gonna kill Breadbuuter, gonna kill Breadbuuter, gonna kill Breadbuuter.” Thunderfunk chanted this mantra as he stalked through the hallways in his home. In all of their past dealings, he and Breadbuuter had never interfered with each other’s plans directly. Sure there had been anonymous tips and quiet hints to the right people at the right time, but this was different. This was so...so...personal!

He was at a level of rage that he had never felt before. His jaw was clenched so hard it made his beak hurt. His eyes were narrow slits and he was molting with rage. He was also completely lost. He had been searching for the front door for the past half hour and it was nowhere to be found. “Has someone moved it?” he growled at no one in particular.

Turning a corner, he ran into Straw, knocking both of them to the ground in a heap. Clucking loudly, Thunderfunk flailed his arms, connecting with Straw’s jaw at least once. “Get off of me!” he said loudly. Once they had untangled themselves, Thunder rose to his feet. “I have to go kill Breadbuuter,” he said, turning away.

“Hold on a minute,” said Straw, his voice muffled by the swelling in his face.

“What!” snapped Thunder.

“Maybe you should calm down for a bit. You need to plan something, not just go over there half-cocked...”

“What is that? Is that a chicken joke? Are you mocking me?” Thunder balled his hands into fists, prepared to fight.

“No, I’m not mocking you,” said a visibly exasperated Straw. “The fact that you want to fight like a common pugilist tells me that you are in no condition to confront a girl scout, let alone your arch nemesis.”

“Well, to be fair, girl scouts can be pretty tough,” replied Thunder, but his anger was dissipating somewhat. At least, the white hot rage had dissipated. It’s spot was filled with a cold rage, a slow burn, a...you get the picture. “You, of course, are correct, my young sir,” he said calmly. “The time has come to crush Breadbuuter, and it must be done right. Now come - we have preparations to make.” Confidently, he strode to the front door and flung it open, stepping as far onto the front step as he could without stepping on Mrs. Henderson, whom he had not been expecting to see.

Straw had a hard time deciding what was funnier: Thunder’s girly scream of terror or the fact that he peed his pants a little.

Fools of us All - Chapter 44

SPIN

I was paralysed with fear and doubt. The past week had been difficult and I was tired and couldn’t concentrate anymore. I had not had a good night’s sleep since that night. I was still at a loss to explain what had happened. I could only vaguely remember fighting my way through a crowd and then carrying Caz into the tunnels, where we had been hiding ever since.

Her injuries were pretty bad. To be honest, I was not even sure how she was still alive. There had been so much blood that I thought she had died before I could set her down. I was still dazed from the fight, but I think I remember my hands feeling extremely warm.

I fell asleep for some time and when I woke up, Caz was still alive. She muttered to herself in her sleep, and once she had sat up and screamed so loudly that I was sure we would be caught. When she had quieted down, I had picked her up again and carried her to a new location.

That was the first time that I had really noticed that my arm was healed. There was no pain, no bruising, no scarring, no anything that would indicate that it had been broken so badly that I looked like I had an extra elbow. I had no explanation for what had happened.

Everything was overwhelming if I thought about it. I was lost in time, unable to get back home, unsure of what to do here in whatever now I found myself. The only solace had been found in reading the book I had stolen from the archives.

But even that solace was tinged with terror.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 43

Justified Anger

Thunderfunk stalked through the tunnel, fuming. “How could Breadbuuter do this to me!” he groused.

Straw walked with him. “He is your mortal enemy. It makes sense that he would be trying to stop your plans.” He was finding it hard to keep up with his boss.

“That’s no excuse. We have an understanding.”

“And you are both cheats,” Straw reasoned.

“That’s beside the point. This was not even a grand scheme. He had no right to interfere.” He reached the secret door that led back into his proper house, slamming it open in anger.

Straw glanced at the wall behind the door and made a mental note to call a contractor to repair the wall. He looked back up to see his boss turning the corner. “Wait up!” he called out.

“I have no time. I am going to confront him and, and, and punch him straight in the nose.”

Straw rushed ahead and stood in front of the angry giant chicken. “I don’t think that is a good idea. You need a bit to cool down. You can’t scheme when you are this angry.” A moment later Straw sat up, rubbing the spot on his head that had smashed into the wall. He made another mental note to get that spot in the wall repaired as well. He also hoped he was able to remember his mental notes.

Fools of us All - Chapter 43

CAZ

Drip
Drip
Drip

I could hear dripping nearby. Water splashed close to my head with a regular rhythm. For a long time, nothing else existed in my world - just darkness and the sound of water hitting the ground.

Drip
Drip
Drip

Slowly, other sensations began to thrust themselves upon me, but I fought them back. The water had hypnotized me, promising to ease my pain. I felt nothing. There was only the falling water.

Drip
Drip
Drip

A stab of pain distracted me for a moment. I could feel that my leg was moving, but I had no actual sensation from the lower limb beyond a thin line of pain. My knee twitched violently, jarring loose a memory of crushing injury. The artificiality of my own leg imposed itself upon my senses. Someone in the darkness moaned loudly.

Drip
Drip
Drip

I tried to regain the comfort of the regular sound, but more intrusions were making their presences known on my consciousness. A white hot pain burned my shoulder. A muffled sob echoed off of the walls. My leg twitched hard enough to bang awkwardly off of the cold floor. I flexed my arms, gasping at the soreness I found.

Drip
Drip
Drip

It was the overwhelming sorrow that finally roused me. I could not remember why, but it felt like my entire life was meaningless. It was only then that I realised the moaning and crying I had been hearing was my own. My eyes flew open and I screamed, a sound of pure animalistic rage. The sound echoed off of the round walls of the dimly perceived tunnels, continuing around itself without end. Tears streamed down my face as I yelled, again and again.

When the sound finally abated, I found myself emptied of everything. Suddenly, keeping my eyelids open seemed to be a wasted effort. With a final, raspy sob, I sank back to the ground and closed my eyes, surrendering to the darkness and the peace I found there.

Drip
Drip
Drip

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 42

An Unexpected Twist...of Lime

Straw sat up suddenly, a thought racing through his mind. He jumped out of bed and ran down the hall, stumbling over the prone body of a bus driver that they had missed. Making a mental note to untie him and release him later, Straw continued down the hall to Thunder’s room. He burst in, tripping over a stool near the door and landing with a crash near Thunderfunk’s bed.

He shook his head and began to rise, slowly laying back down when he saw the massive gun pointed directly at his chest. “It’s just me,” he said nervously.

“Oh, Straw,” said Thunder. He didn’t move the weapon immediately.

Straw peed his pants, just a little.

“Very well, what is it?” asked Thunder crabbily. He reached down and pulled Straw to his feet by his chest hair.

“....ow....” Straw sat on the edge of the bed and blinked the tears of pain from his eyes. “I was wondering where the city got the money to pay for the mayor? They don’t have any extra in the budget, do they?”

Thunder shook his head. “The city’s coffers are currently very dry.”

“Exactly. That means they had to get outside help for the money. And who would have wanted to see your plan foiled the most?”

Thunder pondered for a moment, and then his eyes widened. “Breadbuuter,” he breathed. And then “BRRREEEAAAADDDDDD-BBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUUUU-TTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

Straw looked at his boss. He had never seen him so angry. He turned to go, and peed his pants even more when he saw the sock puppet hanging from the doorknob.

Fools of us All - Chapter 42

I saw Caz’s sharp look, but I ignored it. I was as surprised as she was that I had somehow quoted the inscription on the cover. But there was no time to wonder about it. We had to leave quickly, before we were caught. I caught Bartleby’s eye for a moment and allowed a small grin to touch my lips before I nodded goodbye, walking out of the door.

Caz followed a moment later, her steps slow and heavy, her head hanging down. I had to grab her and pull her into the shadows when a guard came running by. She seemed to barely notice.

“C’mon, Caz,” I hissed in her ear. “We’re not getting out of here if you don’t lead the way. I am so lost right now and…nngh.” A fresh wave of pain hit me. I had wondered before, but now I was sure that it was more than my arm that had been damaged. The beating I had received had been worse than I had let on.

“Fine,” said Caz. “Follow me.” Her voice sounded hollow and lifeless, but she moved off at a quicker pace.

I was sure we were going to make it. We snuck around the building for an hour, being very careful to avoid everyone we could, not taking any chances. We could see the door across the hall from the niche in the wall behind a giant clay vase where we were hiding and there was no one in sight. Relief was now mixing with the pain I was feeling. Caz had just stepped out when I was wracked with pain unlike any I had felt before. I couldn’t stop the scream that tore itself from my throat as I collapsed against the giant vase.

Through half-closed eyes I watched the entire scene unfold in slow motion. The pottery slowly tipped over, heading for the floor. Caz turned in surprise, but before she could react, a guard appeared at the end of the hall, his weapon drawn. The vase shattered against the ground at the same time that the guard’s shot reached out to connect with Caz as she started to dive for safety.

And the entire time, the pain inside of me intensified. I could feel it washing over me like the ocean tide. I curled into a tight ball, unable to move or talk or do anything besides experience the pain. I don’t know how long I laid there, unable to even think.

So I was as surprised as anyone when I began to speak.

“And in that day a terrible cry will rise in the city, but the keeper of the light will pay it no heed. Though seeing the peril, none will recognise the danger from afar which begins from within. Remain ever vigilant against the coming day. The fallen will gain a reprieve, but a purpose must be served. Death cannot be swayed.”

The pain never stopped, even as I spoke. I don’t remember what happened next, or maybe I do remember and it makes no sense. I am sure I blacked out or began to hallucinate, because what I see when I close my eyes makes no sense. A man who looked much like me was standing where I had been only moments before. He strode forward with a purpose, fighting his way through terrified guards and awestruck scriveners until there was no one left awake in the hall. He returned to where Caz was sprawled on the floor, blood seeping into the carpet. With great tenderness he leaned down and scooped up the injured woman before striding purposefully a small room. He paused only long enough to smash a piece of glass and take the paper hanging behind it before stepping to a spot in the wall. He pressed a hidden latch and a large, round door sprang open. Before walking through he reached over and grabbed the ancient book that was laying on a stand, open to the midpoint. The door closed behind him, and I remembered no more.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 41

Better Late Than Never

The doorbell rang.

Straw Daq looked at Thunderfunk the Superchicken who stared blankly at his pilot.

The doorbell rang again.

Both man and chicken looked around, gazing at the walls and ceiling.

Once more, the doorbell rang.

Finally Straw ventured to speak. “Did...did you have a doorbell installed down here?”

“No...” said Thunder slowly, drawing out the word.

“Hey Thunder?”

“Yes?”

“The sock puppet is gone.”

“I know.”

They cowered in fear again.

This time, the doorbell tolled.

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” snapped Thunder, suddenly angry. “I’m going to answer the door.” He rose to his feet and glancing fearfully at the last place they had seen the sock puppet, he strode towards the door.

“Which door?” came Straw’s quavering voice.

Thunderfunk stopped, considering. As a safety precaution against attack, he had installed a large number of doors, giving him many options for a hasty retreat. With a muttered curse, he turned towards Straw. “I’ll take this half,” he said, pointing to his right, “and you take the other half.” He stalked away, muttering under his breath.

Thirty minutes later they were down to four doors. The doorbell had continued to ring incessantly during the entire time. Every time it sounded, Straw let out a frustrated whimper. He opened a door cleverly hidden behind a large picture of a gate, but there was no one there.

Ding-dong. Whimper.

Thunder grabbed a door handle and flung it open. “What?!” he bellowed.

The figure at the door jumped back, startled. Thunder also jumped back, surprised to see someone standing there. Both took a moment to compose themselves as Straw wandered over.

“Here you go,” said the shadowy figure, thrusting a briefcase towards Thunder.

Nodding at his protege, Thunder watched as Straw grabbed the case and set it on a table before opening it. Even from a distance, Thunder could see that it was full of money. “What is this?” he growled.

“Ransom.”

“Ransom?”

“Yes, ransom.”

Thunder looked at the man, then at Straw, then back at the man. “Ah,” he said. And with that, he swung the door shut.

“Can we have our mayor back?” said the man, his voice muffled by the closed door. Thunder opened it, annoyed that the man was still there.

“Go away,” he said crabbily.

“I want to, but I need to take the mayor with me. You said we could have him back if we paid.”

“You did say that,” said Straw as he finished counting the money. Shutting the case, he picked it up again. “It’s all here, and there is even some extra.”

“Yeah, we want our bus drivers back too.” The man seemed almost sheepish, as though embarrassed to be asking for them as well.

Thunder’s eyes narrowed dangerously and he briefly considered killing the man where he stood, but all of the energy went out of him. “Very well,” he said, a pained look on his face. “But I’m keeping their pants.” He shut the door again.

Twenty minutes later the mayor marched through the door at the head of a long line of pantless men and women. When the last straggler had made his way out, the door was slammed shut again. Thunder and Straw left the secret lair and made their way to the sitting room.

“What just happened?” asked Thunder once they were settled in.

Straw merely shrugged. He opened the case again and looked inside. “Huh,” he said, closing it again, looking over at Thunder, resigned dismay written all over his face.

“Let me guess,” said Thunder, rubbing his temples as though that action was a miracle cure for headaches. “The sock puppet is in the case.”

“Yup.”

“And it wasn’t there before?”

“Nope.”

“And the case has not been opened or out of your hand since you counted it?”

“Not even for a second.”

“I think,” said Thunderfunk slowly. “That I,” he continued angrily. “That I may cry,” he finished weakly.

And he did.

Fools of us All - Chapter 41

“Go ahead,” I said dully, “turn us in. I don’t care anymore.” I kept looking for the guards to come bursting in on us.

“Turn you in, my dear?” said the hooded scrivener, a note of amusement in his voice. “It has been entirely too long since I have had a chance to speak to a young woman that I see no reason to cut a chat short before it has even begun.” Lifting his hands, he lowered his hood, revealing a smiling face, his mouth surrounded by laugh lines and crow’s feet crinkling the corner of his eyes. Thick, white hair covered his head in an unruly mop, and his blue eyes sparkled with private amusement. “You must be the horrible ruffians I’ve heard so much about. You really have the entire building in an uproar, telling tales of how mean you are and how rough you play.”

Spin managed a smirk at me and I could feel my face turn red. “That’s all her,” he said. “I’m mostly here ‘cuz I’m pretty.”

I waited for my face to return to normal before lowering my own hood. “I am sorry if anyone has suffered…”

“Oh poppycock,” broke in the old man. “I know the men hear. Frankly, many of the younger ones could stand to be hit more often. Actually, a few of us old codgers likely need it from time to time as well.” His eyes lost focus for a moment before gazing intently at me again. “Now, as I said, you have some ‘splainin’ to do.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Spin interrupted. “I’m sorry, but have you been time travelling lately? I mean, ‘some ‘splainin’ to do’? That’s old by my time!” He sounded angry and suspicious, as though he didn’t trust what he was hearing. I could not blame him.

“Your time…ah, so the stories are true. Someone has broken the time barrier.” Smiling, he stepped forward and grabbed the book, tucking it under his arm. “Follow me,” he said. I raised my eyebrows at Spin who merely shrugged. We had little choice.

A few moments later we were in an even danker and darker corner of the basement, sitting around a small desk. “Welcome to my office,” said the scrivener proudly as he closed the door. “Now, perhaps I have some explaining to do as well. First, my name is Bartleby…” he smiled at Spin’s snort. “A coincidence, I assure you. I have spent much of my adulthood learning of the ancient time. I find the past to be fascinating, full of wisdom and amusement. I have read every scrap of material I could find from the past - the originals in English, French, German, and a host of other languages that no one but myself and a select few of my colleagues speak, at least in their pure form. But you, how have you learned to speak our language so quickly?” He leaned forward excitedly, smiling at Spin.

It suddenly occurred to me that the two of us had never had trouble speaking, even though language had evolved since his time. I stared at him, puzzled.

He looked at the two of us and shook his head. “Um…I guessed?” he said weakly.

“Fascinating. Perhaps the time travel affects the language centres of your brain, giving you the ability to speak whatever language you come into. Maybe I will get to try it someday.”

Suddenly, Spin’s eyes flashed. “Well, this all seems awfully convenient, doesn’t it?”

“What do you mean,” I asked, taken aback. “I think most of today has been pretty inconvenient, don’t you?”

“And in the end, we find ourselves alone with a man who happens to spend his time studying the past. I bet he’ll have all sorts of wonderful things to say about the prophecy.” The sarcasm dripped from his words.

“What prophecy?”

It was the last thing I expected him to say. I turned to face him. “The prophecy. The one about the chosen one coming from the past to save the future. Or maybe you know about the other prophecy, the one where the hero’s companion would be betrayed and killed.” I glanced guiltily at Spin, who mouthed the words ‘other prophecy’ at me, tilting his head. I had not told him of Dun’s words to me back at the warehouse.

“And these…prophecies…” said Bartleby, an odd expression on his face, “where are they supposed to be found.” He followed my gaze down to the book in front of him. A great sadness fell over his countenance. “There is no prophecy in this book,” he said sadly. “At least, none that we know of. This book has been in the scrivener’s possession for the past fifty years, and thus far, no one has been able to translate anything in it.”

It felt as though I was punched by a snowman. A deep, icy cold settled into the pit of my stomach, making it hard to breath. I couldn’t speak for a long time. My entire life had been a lie.

Spin rallied faster than I did. “How can you be so sure. You’re just some pathetic weirdo who spends way too much time in the dark corner of the basement.”

“This isn’t my only office,” he said. “Being the head of the scriveners worldwide does tend to give one certain privileges.”

Spin collapsed back in his seat, covering his face with his hands. “We’re sitting with the freaking pope,” he moaned.

“Pope? Ah, a quaint term, but quite apropos.”

I felt nothing. A numbness had fallen on me, leaving the world far away. “I…I have to go,” I mumbled, lurching to my feet.

“I can’t escort you out,” said Bartleby, a look of concern on his face. “It is important that I appear to be rather harsh with intruders. If you are caught I may not be able to help you.

“We have our own exit,” I said flatly.

“The tunnel in the Torah room?” At my sharp look, he smiled. “You don’t get to be ‘the freaking pope’ without learning a thing or two. Go, and I will do my best to get people away from that section.”

As we exited the room, I saw Spin run his fingers across the cover of the book one last time. “So you can’t read anything in this book at all.”

“The interior of the book is written in a language no one has ever seen before. The only thing we know for sure is what is written on the cover.”

“Why do you know that?”

“It is written in ancient Aramaic, a language that is beneficial to know at times.”

“What does it say?” I asked, curious despite myself.

Looking at the cover, Bartleby’s voice gained a far away quality. “The truth lies within, for those willing to seek.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 40

And Yet I Have Nothing Against Clowns

“Are you sure about this plan?” Straw swivelled in his chair, muting the sound on the TV. The late news had just played the ransom video, and as usual, it was a masterpiece. There was a good chance it would be nominated for a villain’s choice award.

“Of course I’m sure,” snapped Thunder. “Why would you think otherwise?”

“It just seems a bit...weak,” replied Straw. He rose to his feet and stepped over the bus driver he had been using for a foot stool. “What’s the end game? Why are you doing all of this? Obviously you aren’t going to get paid any money for this one. Ransoms never work. All it does is make people angry and get heroes sent after you.”

“Ah, but you are missing the larger picture, lad. This plan is not about the monetary gain. It is about image and perception. The ease with which I disrupted their transportation and commerce, followed by the kidnapping of a political leader shows how easy it is for me to wreak any manner of havoc which I choose at any time I choose. People will live in fear because of me.”

Straw sat down, sipping at his cognac. “Okay, that’s fair. When you look at it that way, it makes more sense. Sometimes I forget how big picture you are. I just have one question.”

“And that is?”

“Wait, I lied, it’s actually two questions. First, what is that, and second, how did it get here?” He pointed just behind Thunderfunk’s head at something in the shadows of the cavernous room. Thunder reached out slowly and hit a switch which flooded that cave with light. Sitting on the railing of the TV area was a sock puppet. The same sock puppet that Cornelius J. Breadbuuter’s assistant Tom had been wearing the other day. Only now, there was no hand controlling it.

The puppet did not move, though the googly eyes were moving slightly as though it had recently been in motion. After a long time of not doing nothing, it continued to do nothing.

“Hey Thunder?” whispered Straw.

“Yes?” The giant chicken was whispering back.

“Are you hallucinating right now?”

“I don’t know. Can you see the sock puppet?”

“Yes.”

“Then no, I am not hallucinating.” A pause. “Are you?”

“I don’t usually hallucinate until I’ve had much more to drink.”

The puppet blinked. Actually, it didn’t blink, but it seemed like it should have. It was not natural to go that long without blinking. Thunder finally blinked for it, just to ease his mind. It did not help. “Options?” he inquired of his protege.

“Well, we could cower in fear. Or we could drink until it goes away.”

“Both good options. I vote we cower in fear for a while. I haven’t had a good cower in some time.”

“Agreed.”

Thunder and Straw cowered together as the puppet looked on, laughing menacingly.

Wait, no. The puppet didn’t do anything, but it seemed like it should be laughing menacingly.
Puppets are creepy.