Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 53

Penultimate

The first thing that Cornelius J. Breadbuuter saw when he reached his secret command centre was the flashing lights. A dim red light was shining steadily, its colour being broken up by the blinking green and yellow lights across the panel. He sat in his chair and started throwing switches and hitting buttons. He called up his various cameras that were set up across his estate. It was the fourth camera that showed him what he was afraid to see.

Rising up from under Thunderfunk the Superchicken’s grounds was a giant machine, its outside bristling with frightening looking weapons. The device was even more frightening than he had imagined. Before it even had a chance to fully rise to ground level, he fired every missile he had left. They flew with the speed of a thought.

As they neared their target, they began to explode, turning the sky into a medley of reds and oranges, light covered in smoke. Not a single missile made its intended destination. “He must have some sort of laser grid defence!” Breadbuuter was not pleased.

Suddenly a klaxon sounded, blaring from a speaker in the wall, set a little to close to the chair he was using. He looked at his radar, and a hundred points of light seemed to leap from the device. Without thinking he reached over and slapped his automatic defences. The entire room vibrated slightly as each missile exploded, but he was too far down to be hurt and the missiles all blew up too far away to do any real damage. The first round was a draw, but he knew the fight was not over.

One of his screens began to flicker, which was odd. Perhaps an explosion had gotten closer than he thought...


“First squirrel is away,” said Thunder into his radio. He pointed his squirrel gun another direction and fired again. In quick succession he fired six more squirrels over the fence where they scurried to find any wire they could and chew on it.

“Roger that,” replied Straw. He was sitting in the lair, guiding the device by remote control. It slowly began to rumble across the grass, firing off mortar rounds as it did. Breadbuuter’s guards began running from where they had been, firing their weapons. Thunderfunk responded at the same time as the device. Squirrels began raining out, leaping onto the guards, biting and scratching. At the same time, the device fired out dozens of turtles at the guards. The hard shells bounced off of the guards, knocking many unconscious. Once the turtles had landed, they would find the nearest person they could and begin biting, latching on with their powerful and sharp beaks. Many guards fell to these vicious creatures.

Thunderfunk ran forward, firing another squirrel, knocking a guard out cold. Suddenly something clamped onto his leg. He cried out with pain and reached down, grabbing the offending creature and ripping it off. He glared at the turtle menacingly. “Louie!” he cried. “You are so not getting a Christmas bonus this year. Now go do something useful.” Rearing back, he threw the turtle at an approaching guard, catching him right on the chin. If he had not known better, he would think that the turtle had been smiling. But that, clearly, was ridiculous.

A hole appeared in the fence near him, a victim of the mortar rounds. More guards poured through the holes. “Fire the soap,” yelled Thunder.

“Will do,” replied Straw. As the device continued to move forward, a spout popped out and suddenly a stream of soapy water came spewing forth into the path of the guards. Unable to stop their momentum, they slipped and fell heavily where they were quickly handled by the turtles, squirrels, and spaghetti. Tomato sauce and meatballs soon followed.

“Was that really necessary?” asked Thunder, pausing to admire the mess.

“I’ve never been clear what the spaghetti was for,” replied Straw. “I figured this was as good a time as any to use it.”

“Fair enough,” replied Thunder. “It is time for the ping pong balls,” he said. He counted to ten and then sprinted for the hole, hoping that all of the guards were gone, as it appeared.

A hail of hockey pucks began to fly over his head. Normally, the ping pong balls would create a cloud of cover that would allow him to sneak onto the grounds unobserved. Hopefully the pucks were going to do the same.


Cornelius sat in his chair, devastated. His defences were overwhelmed. His fence was destroyed by the mortar rounds, as were his lava crocodile pit and his escape vehicles. The grounds and house had taken heavy damage as well. And now there were hockey pucks flying around as well. As he watched, he saw his last remaining guard take a puck right to the face. He made a mental note to schedule that man for a dental appointment. Suddenly some movement caught his eye. It was hard to make out, but it looked like Thunderfunk was sneaking onto the grounds. With a roar of anger, Breadbuuter leapt to his feet and grabbed his sword. It was time to finish this.