Fools of us All - Chapter 21

“There’s my girl!” A giant of a man strode across the room, lifting me into the air, swinging me around in dizzying circles.

“Daddy?” This seemed wrong somehow.

“You are getting so big,” he said, holding me easily in his muscled arms. “Soon I won’t be able to lift you anymore.”

I buried my head against his neck beneath his head, inhaling his musky scent, the aroma of Old Spice mixed with construction sites. He had smelled that way for as long as I could remember. Tears began to stream down my face.

“I know, dear. I miss him too.” My mom held me close, her own tears running down her face to drip onto my cheeks, mingling with my own.

I jerked back, looking at her. “No. I just saw him.” I could not believe what I was seeing. “He can’t be dead.” I stared into her eyes, seeing the pain and sorrow that was there. Stumbling back, I turned and ran out of the bedroom.

The sound of my feet slapping against the pavement echoed loudly in the night. My apartment was no longer mine. I was living on the street, running for my life from my attackers. Three men had surprised me as I tried to sleep in an alley, and I had only barely managed to get away. Their voices came from further away with every step. I ducked into another alley, running a meandering path through the streets until I found myself completely alone. I sat down, hugging my knees to my chest. I wanted to sleep, but was too frightened. What had my life become?

Dun put his hand on my shoulder, rousing me from my nap. The room was familiar, full of computer screens. Dar sat in the corner at his desk. He smiled at me and gave a small wave before turning back to his work. I looked up at Dun, and could only shudder. Why was this place not more comfortable? This was my home.

Without warning, everything started to fade into darkness. A darkness that threatened to engulf me completely.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 20

Montage-ular

All over the world, Thunderfunk the Superchicken and Straw Daq travelled, facing the heroes that were planning on banding together to stop them. In Russia they fought a woman with cold temperature related powers, defeating her by luring her into a sauna where she melted (only a little). They left her unconscious on the floor, the heat cranked up full. Straw made an excuse to run back for a moment, slapped a power neutraliser on her head and shut off the sauna. He then stitched up his own cuts he got from fighting her polar bear.

In Mozambique they fought a man able to control trees by tricking him into facing them in the desert where there were no trees. The plan worked out well once they got away from the cacti as well. Straw spent a few hours picking needles out of his tender areas, and bandaging up cuts obtained from the hero’s bird as it attacked him. Fortunately for them, instead of joining the hero in the desert, the bird had migrated instead, which was odd because eagles don’t usually migrate. Or live in Mozambique for that matter.

In Egypt they battled a reincarnated Pharaoh (aka, a mummy) out to make restitution for the evil he had committed when he was alive the first time, as well as his cat, which was less benevolent than his master, leaving Straw covered in claw marks. Fortunately for him, while Thunder was unravelling the mummy, the cat suddenly decided that it was time for a nap. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Straw ran away to patch himself up. He considered kicking the cat, but didn’t want to risk waking it.

In Sweden they encountered a woman who was able to spontaneously generate meatballs and fire them at her foes. She was followed everywhere by an electric eel that flew and did not need to live in water, thus making her animal much more dangerous than her. Thunder dispatched of the woman by punching her once in the jaw. Straw dispatched of the eel by letting it shock him until it ran out of power and then collapsing on it, knocking it unconscious. When he awoke, he spent some time applying salves onto his burns.

They continued on in this fashion as they fought nine more foes in every corner of the world until they finally ended in Pennsylvania, where they battled the final hero: a man made of chocolate and able to shoot deadly streams of chocolate from his hands. Straw, glad to not be fighting an animal sidekick for once, got hit with a wayward blast of chocolate and was promptly mauled by a group of dogs who wanted to lick the chocolate that their owners usually denied them.

Later, Thunder stood by Straw’s hospital bed. “Get well soon, Straw,” he said. “But rest easy now. I go to confront mine mortal enemy - First Lieutenant Awesomepants, and from this battle, only one will emerge.” Clucking evilly, he left the room to make preparations.

Straw raised his head weakly. “What?” he muttered before falling back asleep. It had been a rough couple of weeks.

Fools of us All - Chapter Christmas

Two people lay on the floor of a burned out building, each one curled into a tight ball under a jacket in a vain attempt to ward off the cool air of the night. Their eyes were closed, their breathing steady and deep, but the dreams they dreamed were neither restful nor merry.

Spin looked around, remembering the sights and sounds of the season. The tree in the living room, stretching to the ceiling, festive decorations adorning the sweet smelling pine branches. A toy train was set up, chugging away merrily around the tree, circling presents festooned with cheerful bows, almost as though it were guarding the gifts. The aroma of cookies filled the air, Santas waiting to be coloured with red and white icing, gingerbread men smiling happily on the cookie sheet. Tomorrow would be the turkey and mashed potatoes and pie and other things that Spin didn’t really care about. Everything was as he remembered.

Only, no one was around. He listened carefully, but the entire house was silent save for the noise of tiny wheels on tiny tracks around the tree. Slowly he made his way into the kitchen, but the cookies that should have been there were not. There were no crumbs, no bowls of icing, no thawing turkey, nothing. Even the pleasant smell of baking dissipated as he entered the room, leaving behind the scent of burnt food.

He made his way from room to room, moving faster with each empty room he found. Soon he found himself back in the living room, and now the tree had changed. The needles were all brown and half had fallen to the ground. The decorations lay scattered across the floor, many of them broken. The train, run on batteries, lay on its side, the wheels moving with a laboured slowness as the power ran down, the sound seeming pathetic in the sudden darkness.

Spin fell to the floor and began to cry, feeling like a child lost in the supermarket, wishing for his mother. Instead he was alone. All alone…

He woke suddenly, jumping to his feet and looking around in a panic, convinced that his horrible dream had come true. It took some time for him to remember where he was…when he was. Sitting down carefully so as not to disturb his companion, he leaned against a wall, relieved that it had only been a dream, but still disturbed all the same. He looked down at Caz, at the frown that seemed permanently etched onto her features, wishing there was something he could do. He wondered what she was dreaming.

Had he seen those dreams, he would have been less than happy…

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter Christmas

Okay I lied. The Montage Will Be Next Week. Promise.

Thunderfunk yawned, stretching in his bed. These late night fights were tough on a person. He scratched his head, or tried to. Something besides his own feathered scalp was on his head. He felt around for a second, trying to identify what was there. Finally he plucked the thing off and brought it to eye level.

It was furry and conical. The colouring was red for the most part, though around the large opening it was rimmed with white, and there was a white poof on the pointy end. It was, in short, a Santa hat. What am I doing wearing a Santa hat? wondered Thunder. He swung his legs around so he was now sitting on the edge of the bed. Still holding the hat in one hand he absentmindedly scratched his belly with his other hand, slipping it between the buttons on the giant red coat he was wearing. The giant red coat he had never seen before in his life. He bolted to his feet and rushed to the bathroom, dreading what he might see.

Throwing on the light, he looked at his reflection in mute horror. Somehow, during the night, he had been dressed in a Santa costume, complete with a beard (and if you have never seen a chicken with a beard, then you are missing out). Angered and somewhat disgusted, he grabbed the beard and ripped it off, determined to find out who had done this to him.

When a person has a long beard, it is possible to do some damage to said person by grabbing his facial hair and pulling, giving one the ability to yank their head around violently and smash it into things. This, though perhaps mean and overly aggressive, is nothing too shocking (unless the person with the beard is a woman, in which case it is shocking for entirely different reasons).

When one does the same to oneself, however, it is slightly more impressive.

Thunderfunk awoke on the bathroom floor, laying amidst shards of broken glass, sporting an enormous goose egg on his head, one that matched, approximately, the dent that was now on the stainless steel sink. Stubbornly, the beard refused to leave, choosing to remain attached.

At that moment a furious knocking started at his door. Picking himself up, Thunder meandered towards the door, walking a crooked straight line to get there. He opened the door after composing himself. "Yes?" he said.

To his amazement, Straw Daq walked in wearing green tights, red curly shoes, a red coat of indeterminate cut, a pointy hat and pointy ears. He stormed to the centre of the room, fuming mad. "Not one word," he said, cutting off Thunder’s question. "I don’t want to hear it."

Thunder moved back to the bed where he sat down beside his sidekick. They remained there in awkward silence for a long time. "Nice beard," said Straw.

"Thanks," replied Thunder. "I like your hat."

"Thanks."

More silence.

Silence happened two more times.

Finally Thunder rose to his feet and headed to the door. "If we must," he said sadly, "then we must."

"I suppose," answered Straw, though he was unhappy about it.

Twenty minutes later the two of them stood at city hall, fighting the forces of good as they tried to kidnap the mayor in a convoluted plot that really does not bear repeating here. Explosions occurred around them as the heroes drew closer. Seeing his inevitable defeat, Thunder pulled out one last weapon - a gun that fired candy canes.

"Oh must I use this gaudy contraption?" he groused.

Yes. Yes you must.

"I despise this time of year," he muttered under his breath. He glanced over at Straw who was already wrapped in garland, a bow on his lips, effectively gagging him. The young man struggled mightily for a moment, closing his eyes in utter defeat, the fight seemingly knocked out of him. Turning back to the heroes, Thunder fired off a few shots, somewhat pleased when they exploded on contact. "At least there’s that," he said as the heroes closed to within arm's reach.

At the last second, a flying sleigh came zipping by trailing a rope. Thunder leapt and grabbed hold, getting pulled up out of harms way. The sled slewed around, lowering a hook that snagged the garland around Straw, pulling him along as well. Thunder climbed down his rope and grabbed Straw (after ripping off the bow)(and some skin)(and the results of two weeks of growing a moustache)(that’s right, he got both hairs), pulling him up into the sled.

"How did you arrange this?" yelled Straw over sound of the wind.

"I didn’t," replied the giant chicken. "I thought you did."

"No."

Puzzled, Thunderfunk crawled into the sled proper, and was only half-surprised to see what he saw – a jolly looking fat man wearing a fuzzy red coat with white trim, matching pants and hat, and a massive white beard. The sleigh was being pulled by eight flying reindeer (the ninth presumably not needed because it was a clear night). "Are you serious?" asked Thunder in a pained voice.

Smiling congenially, Santa nodded. "Of course I am," he replied.

"Then why are you helping us?" asked Straw as he finally struggled out of his bonds. "Shouldn’t you be helping the good guys? After all, you do give away toys to the good girls and boys every year."

Santa shrugged. "Can’t an evil mastermind give away toys once a year? I don’t have to be all evil, do I?"

Thunder rubbed his beak. "I really hate this time of year," he said. As they flew into the horizon, he cringed at Santa’s ‘Merry Christmas everyone!’, hoping that Easter would at least have the decency to leave him alone.

Fools of us All - Chapter 20

I was trying to sleep without much success. Beside me Caz was breathing heavily, having passed out as soon as she laid down, exhausted from the whole ordeal. She had finally told me who it was that I had shot earlier that day. I looked down at her, glad to see that at least while she was sleeping she seemed able to put all of the betrayal and rough times behind her and look peaceful.

Rubbing my face with my hand, I rose to my feet, giving up on the idea of sleep for at least a little while. Dim lights still shone in a few places around this formerly secret hideout. I had wanted to leave, but Caz had been too exhausted to go anywhere, and it was her opinion that there would not be anyone coming to check this place out tonight, not with everything that happened at the warehouse. I hoped she was right.

We were currently in a back room that had largely escaped damage in the attack. The door closed tightly, which helped keep the rats out. I had noticed a few picking on the remains of the bodies, but I had not mentioned that to Caz. Carefully I swung the door open just far enough to sneak out, closing it behind me just as cautiously. Going outside would be a bad idea I knew, so I decided instead that I would explore the rest of the base. It was not very large, mostly consisting of the one large room which had been destroyed in the fight. There were some offices along the back and side, and I had hopes that there would be something useful in one of them. I moved to the first one, disappointed to see that it was completely empty. The door on the next office had been twisted in the fight and did not budge no matter how hard I pulled. I moved to the third one, finding that the door was slightly ajar. Listening carefully, I did not hear any sounds, so I swung the door fully open.

I don’t know who was more surprised - me, or the kid with whom I found myself face to face.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 19

Heh Heh Heh...Dusseldorf.

Thunder sat back in his chair, reading his newspaper. Every once in a while he would glance out the window at the scenery rolling by. They were entering southern Germany on their way to Dusseldorf, having already passed through Spain, France and Switzerland. Small towns dotted the landscape, as did hills and patches of forest. Thunder went back to his paper.

Straw sat in the seat across from his boss, reading through his files, wondering about the strategy they would employ to combat their next foe, a German superhero by night, fashion designer by day. His superpower involved shooting fire from his hands, though due to his mysterious persona and lack of credible information, it was uncertain if that was the extent of his powers. It was rumoured that he could shoot multiple types of energy from his hands, but that was as of yet uncomfirmed. His name: Dusseldorf Kinder, which in English was the Dusseldorf Kid, earning him the title of having the name that sounded that lamest in both German and English. Also, and this was ironic given his fashion designer day job, he had the worst uniform of any superhero worldwide – even worse than Super Happy Go-Go Boots Joy. DK wore a white button up shirt with ruffles tipped in gold. The buttons only went halfway, leaving his day-glo orange undershirt exposed, and tufts of hair poking out from underneath that. Purple pants that hugged the hips and flared out at the bottom were tight enough that he did not have any pockets. His brown shoes were platform shoes with yellow laces. His belt, though tasteful, was black and thus did not match his shoes, and the belt buckle was a glittery silver oval with his initials carved in. And to top things off (literally, in fact), he had a comb over. Straw shuddered slightly at the picture.

Noticing the slight movement from the corner of his eye, Thunderfunk lowered his paper. "Who are we fighting next?" he asked. Silently his partner handed him the file. Examining it distastefully for a moment, the giant chicken handed it back. "This looks as though it should be easy. Don’t bother getting a hotel for this one – we’ll just pop in, destroy and humiliate him, and head out on the next plane. We have a busy schedule ahead of us."

"You know," mused Straw, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "at some point we’ll cross paths with First Lieutenant Awesomepants."

"Oh I think not," replied Thunderfunk from behind the business section. "We will eventually reach some heroes to whom he has spoken, but we will not face him directly. Not for a while. By the way," he continued, lowering the paper once again, "how many of these heroes do we have left?"

Shuffling his papers, Straw found the master list. "Fourteen," he answered, looking nonplussed. "How are we going to beat all of these people. It will take forever."

"Fear not, my good lad. There is only one viable option."

"You don’t mean..."

"Indeed. We will have a montage."

NEXT WEEK: THUNDERFUNK, THE MONTAGE!

"Who said that?" Thunder looked around. "Listen disembodied voice. I told you before to go away and stop following me. It’s getting weird."

SORRY. I JUST WANT TO HELP.

"Well you’re creepy and Straw has trouble sleeping at night because of you. Now go away. Sheesh."

ALL RIGHT. GOODBYE.

SERIOUSLY - MONTAGE!

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 18

I Don't Even Know How To Play Gin

Straw faked to his right and then dove to his left. The bull, trained by Ole! himself only missed his mark because he was laughing too hard to aim properly. Straw rose to his feet and dusted himself off. "I know, it was a weak move, but it’s been a long day."

The bull nodded appreciatively and then charged, accelerating to killing speed in the blink of an eye. His horns caught a bit of light and gleamed a deadly gleam. He lowered his head, squinting his eyes every so slightly to better hone in on his target. It was almost as though a bullseye was painted on this villain’s heart. With a roar of mad glee, the bull craned his neck, preparing to skewer his opponent.

This would be a good time to check on Thunderfunk the Superchicken. His battle with Ole!, the Spanish superhero was going well. Super speed was actually a relatively easy power to counter when one was a super genius, as Thunderfunk was. It was all about calculating probabilities and chance and simply sticking out a solid object. Invariably the speedster would run into the object. Usually their speed was almost faster than they could handle themselves, meaning straight lines were easy for them, but sudden cornering was much harder. The human brain, after all, was only meant to handle certain speeds, and anything beyond that was a struggle.

Ole! stood on a rock, his uniform torn and dirty, a few nasty bruises on his head and arms, and possibly his torso, though that was still mostly covered, and thus it was hard to tell. He had taken his lumps, but he had given them out as well. Thunderfunk was missing a few tufts of feathers here and there, and one eye had been blackened by sharp jab. They stood facing each other, breathing hard in the desert heat.

"You fight well, senor," said the Spanish hero. "But it is up to me to stop your evil ways."

"Pshaw," replied Thunder. "You are nothing but a pawn to that arrogant First Lieutenant Awesomepants."

"I don’ know what you are talking about," replied Ole!, though he sounded somewhat nervous. "I was merely resting here when you attacked me." He managed to sound affronted.

Thunder chuckled. "You cannot lie to me. I was monitoring the airwaves in this region, and we heard Awesomepants contact you. We were able to use the signal to locate you." Taking a small step forward, the giant chicken clucked sadly. "I hope you realise that this is just his attempt at a coup. After he rids the world of myself and my associate, he will turn on all of you, making you his slaves, except for those he kills outright." He stepped forward again, positioning himself for his next strike.

"That’s a lie," replied Ole! "He told me you would come with lies and try to trick me. But it won’ work."

"Of course he said that," Thunder said sympathetically. "It’s hard to betray someone if you don’t first gain their trust. Think about it for a moment. In your long and illustrious career, has First Lieutenant Awesomepants ever come to you for anything, or contacted you in any way?" He smiled inwardly at the look of anger and confusion that crossed the Spaniard’s face. "Of course not. Not until he needs to use you before tossing you away like a used hanky."

"NO!" Reaching behind his back, Ole! pulled out his cape and started waving it. "You canno’ tell me your lies. You will not tell me your lies." He waved the cape slowly, flapping it enticingly in front of the chicken’s face.

Despite his best efforts, Thunder felt himself slowly losing control of his mind, the hypnotic effect of the cape washing over him. He relaxed, losing himself in a dreamlike state.

Suddenly, both the Spaniard and the giant chicken looked over at their sidekicks. "Gin!" said Straw, slapping down his cards. The bull grunted in frustration began shuffling the cards while Straw wrote down the score. "I am totally beating you," gloated the young man. He backed down slightly and meekly accepted his cards when the giant beast snorted loudly in his direction. "I’m just sayin’ is all," he said softly. He looked over and caught Thunder’s eye. "Oh. Uh..frankly, it’s too hot to actually fight," he said apologetically. "This seemed easier."

"Lucy?" said the Spaniard. The bull looked sheepish, though whether it was because his partner had caught him playing cards, or because everyone now knew that his name was Lucy, it was hard to tell.

"You," said Thunder, reaching into his coat pocket, "are coming close to losing my confidence, Mr. Daq." He pulled out a gun and shot Ole! in the shoulder. The hero fell down, too surprised to even cry out in pain. Striding over, Thunder slapped a neural neutraliser onto the man’s head, watching it disappear as the previous one had. "Come," he said to Straw. "We must go." He left the hero to be rescued by his speedy bull. Or not. He was too hot to care.

Fools of us All - Chapter 19

Tears would come later, I knew, but for now I was too tired and angry to care. I almost let that anger drive me to a fatal mistake, but Spin was paying more attention and he grabbed my arm before I could stumble around the corner without checking. Voices drifted down the hall, at least four of them, likely drawn by the sound of the blaster. But they had learned caution at this point and were proceeding carefully. That left us time to duck back and make some plans of our own.

A few minutes later we stood out in the relatively fresh air, the rain falling down our faces and matching my mood exactly. I stared into the grey sky, letting the water run down my face. Why did you have to betray me like that? I had nothing until you gave me a purpose a showed me that there really was something worth living for. Now you had left me with nothing once again.

I was grateful for Spin’s silence. We walked for a couple of hours, dodging police cars and M.E.R.C. patrols. The rain finally let up, allowing the weak evening sun to break through, casting long shadows on the sidewalk.

I wasn’t even thinking, just walking to get away until the smell of smoke and charred flesh brought me back to my senses and showed that I had gone back to where it had all began. The remains of my old hideout stood before me. I couldn’t even begin to guess how long it had been since I had been here last, but there were no happy memories that remained. Only after twenty minutes of standing and staring did Spin’s gentle cough finally prompt me to action. With morbid curiosity I stepped through the door that was hanging askew from a single hinge, wrinkling my nose at the smell. A weak beam of light played across my body, the remnants of our weapons scan. I was heavily armed, but I knew that the automatic defences were no longer an issue so I just walked through the hole that used to be a door.

Inside there was nothing left. Computers laid smashed, desks were splintered, and bodies were strewn everywhere. A smoking crater was all that remained of Dun’s old office, the walls collapsed around it. I viewed it all with a stoic calm, too numb to feel anymore.

That’s what I thought, anyway. There was nothing left that could be of any use to us, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I just stood and stared, taking a step or two every once in a while before a new memory hit me, flooding my mind with images that should be merely sad but now had turned tragic. My breathing became laboured, but I didn’t notice. Or care. Another step forward and I tripped, landing hard on the ground. I looked up, only to be confronted by the seared body of Dar, and that was it. I let it all out then, crying tears for the dead, lamenting the hand that life had dealt me.

After what felt like a few hours of laying curled up on the floor and crying, the tears finally subsided. Moving awkwardly to a sitting position, I scooted myself over to where Spin was leaning against a wall, watching me with quiet concern. “Do you feel better now,” he asked quietly, the first words he had spoken to me in hours.

All I could do was nod mutely, but my life had been flipped upside down so many times in the last week that I knew I could make no solid promise the feeling better would last.

Fools of us All - Chapter 18

I stared at the door that the General had just shut rather rudely in my face. I had desperately wanted to be in that room, but it was hard to argue with a guy as big as the man I had been following. I wasn't sure if Caz had noticed me or not, she seemed rather focused on the guy. With a shrug of my shoulders I turned around and stood before the door, holding the gun I had stolen from the M.E.R.C. soldier whose clothes I was now wearing. There was a pair of guards standing on my left, and a pair on my right. I had never felt quite so alone in my life.

I didn't know where I was, and I didn't even know when I was. Things had started moving really fast ever since I met the strange girl from the future, and now I was standing outside of a room where she had been captured and was probably about to be killed and I could do nothing about it.

"The General seemed a little upset," said one of the other guards. I looked over at him and noticed that his gun was holstered. In fact, all of their guns were holstered. That gave me a weapons advantage. Plus, I had the element of surprise because they wouldn't be expecting an attack.

Silently thanking my mom for making me take years of martial arts and gymnastics, I lashed out suddenly with a fist, knocking the first guard to his knees, doubled over in pain. Instantly I swung at the man beside him, knocking him out against the wall. Before the other two had a chance to react I spun around and levelled my gun at them. They raised their hands in surrender, so I was as gentle as I could be when I knocked them out. The first guard was still awake, and he was trying to get his weapon up to get a shot at me, but a quick knee to his face put a stop to that. The activity had only lasted for a few moments, and now I was alone in the hall, able to make a move at rescuing Caz. I faced the door just as it opened, revealing the large man standing there, scowling down at me.

I looked down at the guards laying at my feet, and then back at the large man. I shrugged, feigning innocence. That was when it finally registered that he was also holding a gun. Without a thought I raised my own weapon and fired, catching him right in the chest. He fell back, a stunned look on his face. I turned my gun to cover the General, who also looked surprised. "Don't move gramps," I said. "I just want to take her and get out of here."

Slowly I moved over to the table where Caz was strapped down and removed the restraints. Immediately she went over to the large man, now dead on the ground. She just stared down at him, tears streaking her face.

"We have to get out of here," I said quietly.

She nodded. Looking up, she glanced at the General and then motioned with her head.

I smiled. "Well, sir, today is your lucky day. You get to not die." With that I turned my gun around and hit him across the face with the back of the gun, knocking him out. As he slumped to the floor I rejoined Caz at the door.

She glanced back at the man on the floor and looked like she wanted to speak, but then just shook her head sadly and left the room. I followed, wondering about what I had just seen.