Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 23

Someone's Gettin' A Beatin'

It all started innocently enough. The two men – one a giant, evil superchicken with the unlikely name of Thunderfunk; and the other, a toned, tanned, uniformed, ex-military man with superpowers and an equally unlikely name of Awesomepants – were sitting at a bar, sharing a few drinks and discussing life in general. It would have been easy to assume they were friends. They were not. Mortal enemies would be a better way to describe them (as well as a good name for an eighties rock band). Drunk off their rockers and full of simmering rage would also be apt.

As they drank, one of them, and no one would ever be able to say who, sloshed some beer onto the other. They argued about who’s fault the spill was and who would pay the cleaning bill. They also started to raise their voices, turning the whole minor incident into a shouting match.

From their, it turned into the inevitable shoving match. It sounds fairly typical so far, but that is only because you, the humble reader, has forgotten that one of these two has superpowers, so his shove sent his opponent through a wall. Luckily for the other man, he was, as has been pointed out already, a giant chicken. If you don’t think chickens are tough, remember that they continue to run around and cluck when you cut their heads off. All most humans do in the same circumstances is look shocked. Thunderfunk came barrelling through the wall, making a new hole because he was too drunk to hit the existing hole, and returned fire, smashing Awesomepants with a thunderous punch to the jaw, sending the military man through the opposite wall, making a matching hole.

It is important to note at this point that Straw Daq, Thunder’s right hand man, tossed off the last of his drink, slurred ‘Aw nuts to this,’ and, grabbing the bartender by the arm, walked through the hole in the wall to await the final outcome outside. Upon reaching the outside, he was attacked by an army of squirrels. It is still unknown at this point if the attack was a coincidence or if Awesomepants had organised some help. Either way, the bartender promptly quit his job and was never heard from again.

Yes, that does mean the squirrels got him. So sad.

The battle inside of the building raged for some time. Thunderfunk was not quite the physical match for his opponent, however he was a much smarter fighter, and the alcohol had not affected him as bad as his opponent, so his head was clearer. Awesomepants used his time slowing power sparingly in his inebriated state because it gave him the heebie jeebies and made him motion sick. His gravity defiance was also tricky to use because he had trouble controlling it. Of course his shirt managed to come ripped apart at the seams, but since there were no women around to impress, he felt it was a waste of a shirt.

The battle came to an end when Awesomepants mixed up his time and his gravity powers, thus causing him to try slow down the pinball machine that was about to come crashing down on his head even as he tried to decrease the gravity of the few seconds it spent in the air. If that sounds confusing to describe, imagine how confusing it was to try. It was even more confusing when it worked, but he was so astonished by his success that he completely failed to notice the aluminum baseball bat that made solid contact with his cranium. By the time he woke up he had a power inhibitor in his head and a splitting headache due to a hangover. And a baseball bat to the head.

Thunderfunk looked down at him scornfully. “I should kill you,” he said savagely. “But, I’ve already put the inhibitor on you and since they are single use only, it would be a shame to waste, so I guess I’ll let you live.” He walked to the door, or the space where the door used to be before it got ripped out and thrown around the room. “For now,” he said, his voice dripping with menace. He left the building and headed to the drugstore where he bought as much aspirin as he could.

Straw dragged himself back to his hospital bed where he refused to leave his bed for a week, except when he saw the squirrel on his window sill. “It made a slashing motion across his neck with his little paw!” he was heard to say to anyone who would listen. That night, he slept well, with a little help from his friend Mr. Sleepy-Time Drug.