Even I Don't Know What's Going On
“Why...why we alwaysh gotta be fighting, man?” Thunderfunk the Superchicken slurred towards his arch-enemy. “Where’sh the love?”
Sniffling over his beer, First Lieutenant Awesomepants shrugged. “I dunno, man. It’s just our sacred duty, I guesh.”
Thunder giggled into his Mai Tai. “You said ‘doody’.” The two broke into a fit of laughter, holding their sides in their mirth. Rising unsteadily to his feet, Thunder raised his glass. “A toast!” he roared enthusiastically. “To the best enemy a man could have!”
Jumping up, Awesomepants’ stool fell to the ground. “Mazel Tov!” he shouted, raising his glass high. They clinked their glasses and drained them.
“Barkeep, another fine ale for me and my friend!” Thunder pushed his glass gently (or so he thought) across the bar, sending it flying into the mirror behind the bottles of liquor on the wall, leading to another round of laughter and giggling.
With a sigh, the bartender set up two more glasses and began pouring. He was slightly depressed that these two weren’t the worst customers he would encounter that week. Maybe it was time to become a car wash attendant, like his mother always wanted. Often, he wondered if his mother didn’t like him or if she just had extremely low expectations of him.
Two glasses of frosty beer with the perfect amount of foam slid gently down the length of the bar, stopping directly in front of the inebriated pair. They raised their glasses in another toast. “I love you man,” said Awesomepants.
“No, I love YOU!” replied Thunder.
Just then, Straw Daq ran into the bar, his hospital gown flapping open in the back, a bandage still wrapped around his head. “Thunder!” he yelled. He took two steps and stopped suddenly, leaving a permanent indentation in the solid oak beam he encountered. Pulling himself painfully away, he ran up to the two at the bar. “Thunder!” he yelled again.
Awesomepants put a hand on the young man’s head and turned it slightly so he could see his boss.
“Thanks,” said the young man. And then, “Lightning!” He looked confused.
The bartender polished a glass. Maybe he could get a job driving the ice cream truck. He liked ice cream. Everyone liked ice cream. Except those with lactose intolerance. Racists.
“Thund...mmmfft.” Finding his mouth covered by Thunderfunk’s feathered hand, Straw’s eyes bugged out a bit from the pressure of the covered yell.
“What is it?” inquired the villain.
“I jus’ wanned to warn you that First Lietelt...First liltentan...that dude Awesomepants was seen in the area. And the doctors say I have a concussion.” He smiled hebetudinously and fell over. Before anyone could say anything he jumped back to his feet. “Does anyone else smell lilacs?” Dazed, he wandered away, ending up at the other end of the bar, nursing a cognac.
“What a shtrange fellow,” said Awesomepants, taking a sip of his beer and only missing his mouth a little.
“Hey, watch what you say about him. He’s my friend!” Thunder slammed his glass onto the counter and then quickly licked up the drops that sloshed out.
Looking contrite, Awesomepants apologised. “I din’nt know,” he said. “Any friend of mine is a friend of mine. Wait. Any friend of mores is a mend of frine. Wait. Any derivative of a cosine is equal to the sum of the square of its inverse proportions. Wait, thash bad math...” He took a deep breath and opened his mouth. “Who are you again?”
“Me? My name is Awesomepants!” Thunder thumped his chest enthusiastically.
“I thought MY name was Awesomepants.”
“Oh yeah. I love you man.”
“I love YOU, man. You’re my, you’re my bud.”
The two hugged again.
Straw sipped his whiskey and looked mournfully at the bartender. “How’m I gonna win the beauty pageant now?” he asked plaintively.
The bartender shrugged, already counting the money he was going to make from his shoe shine empire that he was going to start. Tomorrow.
For now, he had a glass to polish.
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