Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 27

27. Lava Crocodiles Indeed

Thunderfunk and Straw Daq took their time on the short walk from the landing area to Cornelius J. Breadbuuter's back door. The estate was possibly larger than Thunder’s, though it was not quite as picturesque. A grove of trees was to the side of the house, surrounding a picnic area. The rest of the grounds was just manicured lawn. The fake landing pad was about 200 yards behind the house, just to the left, while the real landing pad was about fifty yards from the house, just to the right. On the real landing pad was a Westland WAH-64 helicopter, a Gazelle helicopter, and a Lynx AH9 anti-tank helicopter, which was out of service at the moment because the wheels were all smashed up, as though its last landing had been particularly hard.

The house itself was rather impressive. Three stories high, it was a mansion by any definition of the word. Built in the early nineteenth century, it seemed to have been built with style in mind, rather than comfort. The walls were stone and the roof was clay mission tiles in a faded red colour. A balcony ran along most of the entire second floor, and isolated rooms on the third floor as well. The windows were high and rectangular, looking very foreboding. Thunder walked up the path that cut through the garden in the back and rang the doorbell.

It was but a moment before the door opened to reveal a man in a butler’s uniform standing stiffly before them. Thunder was sure that this was the butler, and he was proved right when the man spoke. “Good evening gentlemen. I am The Butler, the butler. May I take your coat?”

Since neither Thunderfunk or Straw had a coat, they declined the offer and were subsequently ushered down a short hallway to a waiting room where The Butler left them. They waited for about fifteen minutes, chatting about sports (‘I think curling IS a sport, Straw’, ‘Well, you also think lava crocodiles are real’) and knitting (‘Is it purl one, knit two, or the other way around?’, ‘I’m not sure, I crochet myself’) until The Butler came back. “Mr. Breadbuuter will see you now”” he intoned.

They followed the butler to the drawing room where Cornelius J. Breadbuuter sat in a comfortable easy chair. He was a tall, willowy man with a pale complexion offset by a shock of red hair that seemed to be perched precariously on the top of his head. His clothes were immaculate, and he sat smoking an ornately carved pipe. A snifter of brandy sat at his elbow. He waved his two guests in before bounding enthusiastically to his feet. “Can I get you anything to drink,” he offered, hurrying over to the bar in the corner and grabbing a couple glasses. “I have the most exquisite scotch that you simply must try.”

Straw demurred politely, saying that he had to fly and couldn’t drink, but Thunder accepted gratefully. A sip was all he needed to see that his host was correct in claiming this to be a fine vintage of scotch. “Thank you sir,” he said before settling himself down in a chair that was facing the chair into which Cornelius settled himself. Thunderfunk leaned forward. “I simply love what you have done with this place,” he said enthusiastically. A sweep of his wing encompassed the entire room. One wall was devoted to different books, from advanced texts on the latest in quantum physics to J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. Paintings adorned the remaining walls, including an original van Gogh. “This room was being renovated the last time I was here.”

Cornelius nodded sagely. “Yes, and what an awful experience that was. The contractor gave me an estimate, and then was way over budget. And he took at minimum twice as long to do the job than he had promised.” He sighed heavily. “So I had no choice but to kill him.”

This interested Thunderfunk greatly, and he listened as Cornelius described the torture of the tradesman before finally throwing him to the lava crocodiles. When the story had finished, Thunder sat back in his chair. “Amazing,” he breathed. “The feather actually worked out that well for you? I always have trouble with that.” He looked over at Straw Daq, who was sitting on a couch behind them. “Lava crocodiles.” The young man merely rolled his eyes and shook his head. He rose to his feet and walked out of the room, leaving the two megalomaniacs to chat.

Rounding a corner, he jumped back in surprise, stumbling and falling to his knees. Another young man was standing in the hall, his hand raised high above his head, a knife poised to deliver a killing blow.

Fools of us All - Chapter 27

A damp, musty air moved past our faces. The tunnel was unlit, disappearing into complete darkness mere feet down its length. I looked at Jack and raised my eyebrows. He shrugged. I lowered my eyebrows and glared menacingly. Miraculously, he suddenly ‘remembered’ the light he was carrying in his pocket. He flicked it on, the light doing little to illuminate the passageway, but it was enough to proceed. I motioned Jack ahead and followed close behind.

Spin hesitated. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this,” he said, still standing at the mouth of the tunnel.

“Your other option is to stay where you are until the M.E.R.C.s find you and kill you,” I threw over my shoulder, not slowing my pace. A frustrated sigh wafted down the way behind me, followed by the sound of hurried footsteps as he jogged to catch up.

We walked for a long time, following the path before us. At some point a small trickle of water started running down the middle of the tunnel, its motion showing me that we were heading downhill. The tunnel curved a few times, but there were no paths leading to either side, and always we headed downward. Once we stopped and I examined the walls. They were curved, meeting above our heads like a giant pipe. They were also old, older than the portion at the mouth of the tunnel. These walls had been built a long time ago.

We continued walking, and I could feel more of a breeze against my face. Suddenly we came to a large hole and the tunnel opened onto a large passageway. The dim light did not have a prayer of reaching the other end, or the far sides, but it did not need to. Dirty old bulbs hung from the ceiling, providing enough illumination to see where one was walking. Passages opened at regular intervals along the wall. It was like stumbling onto a highway with a bevy of exit ramps.

Spin let out a long, low whistle. “Impressive,” he breathed.

I turned to Jack. “What is this?” I asked.

I could see his smile in the pale light. “Welcome to the true underground. From here you can get to anywhere in the city. These are old tunnels from a long time ago. Now, only certain, select people know about them. People like me.”

“And these tunnels go anywhere?” A thought was forming.

“Anywhere.”

I looked around again, slightly overwhelmed by the scope. “Jack, I’ve been homeless for a while now, living in the underground. How come I have never heard about this before?”

He clicked off his light, leaving him in shadow. “Because you assumed you were at the bottom of the heap. But the people who live here can’t survive anywhere else. They are of no use to nobody. No matter how far down you go, there is always someone below you.” His shoe scraped the floor in the dimness, and I knew he was gone. But I didn’t care. I knew what we had to do.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 26

Transportation

Casting a baleful look back at his passenger, Straw lifted the Harrier jet gently into the air, heading straight up 10,000 feet and then with a light touch on the controls he began the descent, coming down in the neighbours yard. Looking over his shoulder at their own home no more than 200 yards away, Straw was caught off guard when the ground beneath gave way, sending the jet plunging towards the gaping maw of a lava pit. Years of instinct kicked in and seconds later the jet was rising once again. As he settled in a more appropriate spot a dozen metres away, Thunderfunk murmured from the back seat. “Nice save, lad.” They hopped out of the jet and walked to the edge of the pit. “It’s a good thing you reacted as quick as you did. If we had splashed down there, the lava alligators surely would have ripped us to shreds.”

An odd expression crossed the young pilot’s face. He glanced sharply at the chicken, and then peered down at the lava pit. Bubbles of hot magma burst at the surface as the lava rolled over itself, almost like a living thing. Indeed there seemed to be some log like objects floating around the surface. “Those aren’t lava alligators,” he began, only to be cut off by his companion.

“You’re right of course.” The chicken looked down the pit more intensely. “Those are lava crocodiles. Entirely different.”” He turned on his heel and started walking towards the house.

After a moment of stunned silence, Straw hurried to catch up. “That’s not what I mean,” he said breathlessly. “I mean that lava alligators and lava crocodiles do not exist.”

“And yet,” countered the Superchicken, “there they are in all of their glory.”

Straw stopped, closing his eyes as though trying to banish the oddness of life. When he opened them, he was still facing the back of a giant chicken, mere feet away from a gaping hole filled with lava. As the cover to the magma trap began to slide into place, Straw hurried after his boss. There was much about the world he did not understand, but he was pretty sure he would be needed by Thunderfunk’s side when he met his rival.

Fools of us All - Chapter 26

I flinched as the gun whipped by me and imbedded itself into the wall. Her scream echoed around the small room for a moment before fading into nothingness. The three of us stayed where we were, almost frozen in our spots. Cautiously, I moved to where Jack was still laying on the ground and I helped him to his feet. He looked for a moment as though he wanted to try and escape, but a firm hand on his shoulder encouraged him to stay.

The two of us sat by the small fire, warming our hands. Every time Jack went to speak, I shook my head at him, and so we sat in silence. Finally Caz sat across from us, staring moodily into the fire. “I’m sorry,” said Jack.

“You’re sorry?” Caz snorted.

“Look, I didn’t know it was a bomb. I was just told to deliver the package.”

“What package?” I asked. I had my suspicions, but I suspected that Caz needed to talk this out.

“Look around you,” she said. “Do you think this was always like this?”

I shook my head.

“This was where I worked - this was the organisation’s headquarters. And then one day we got a package, delivered by this guy, and minutes later, the room blows up and we are attacked by M.E.R.C. squad.” An odd look flashed across her face, and she regarded Jack closely, this time with curiosity. “How did you escape? No one left after the package was delivered. And no one had paid you for delivery, so why did you leave if you didn’t know it was a bomb?”

Jack laughed nervously. “Sometimes I just get these feelings, y’know? When I gave you the package, something just felt wrong. And then the big dude showed up and he was giving off some serious bad vibes, so I scrammed.”

“Big dude?” I asked.

Caz smiled, if somewhat sadly. “Dun. He was my mentor and our leader. I told you about him.”

“Oh yeah. What happened to him?”

She gave me an odd look. “He…he died.”

“Saving you?”

Tears began flowing down her face yet again, but her voice was unemotional. “I thought he did. I saw him get shot before I escaped here. But then, when I was captive in the warehouse, he showed up, alive and well. He told me…” she stopped and looked away. “He’s the guy you shot when you rescued me.”

It was my turn to be shocked. “Caz, I had no idea.” My heart sank, convinced that she was going to kill me.

Instead, she merely smiled. “He was in on it,” she said, the tears finally stopping. “If you hadn’t killed him, I might have.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” We both looked at Jack who had leapt to his feet with excitement. “I knew I recognised that dude. When I was hired to deliver the package, he was standing in the shadows, trying to stay out of sight.” He noticed us watching him and self-consciously sat back down. “That’s why I was getting bad vibes from him. I thought it was weird that he had wanted a package delivered to himself. That’s why I left.”

The fire crackled in the silence before I turned to him and asked the question he had yet to answer. “Jack, how did you leave without being seen or getting hurt?”

Moments later we stood in the remains of Dun’s office before a very large round door. A door that led to somewhere I wasn’t sure I wanted to be.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 25

Advancement

“You abandoned me.” Straw Daq sat in his chair and sulked, bandages still wrapped around his head. “I waited in that lobby for five hours. FIVE HOURS!”

“I will have you know I was only four hours and forty-nine minutes late.”

Straw glared at his boss for a moment before returning to his sulk.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Thunderfunk the Superchicken tried to explain himself again. “See here young man, as I have already explained, I was unable to make our appointment as I was trapped in the house by our neighbour Mrs. Henderson.”

“For five hours? Excuse me, four hours and forty-nine minutes.” Straw did not sound mollified in the least.

“She is a very persistent woman.”

“There are at least four separate secret entrances and exits that you could have taken.”

Thunderfunk’s eyes widened. “Egads,” he said. “That’s right. I had completely forgotten about them.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Bah,” was all the reply that Thunderfunk felt was necessary. He walked away, angry at his protege’s insistence on blaming the entire mess on him. It was obvious to anyone that the fault lay with Mrs. Henderson and her infernal cat. That, and the fact that he did not enjoy driving cars. That was what he had servants, lackeys, flunkies, and even the occasional stoolie for. In all his years of super-villainery, Straw was the best pilot he had ever come across, and the most faithful. It would not do to have him angry and moody. Not if he was going to have his plans carried out.

Setting his jaw, Thunderfunk returned to where the young man sat, arms crossed, brow furrowed. “We have a mission,” he said cautiously. Straw continued to stare straight ahead, but his eyebrows raised ever so slightly. He was listening. “For this mission,” continued Thunder, “I will need you to fly the Harrier for me.”

Straw immediately brightened. “Really?” he asked enthusiastically, a smile breaking across his face. “You never want to use that thing. This is awesome.” He jumped to his feet and headed towards the hangar. “Where’re we going anyway?”

“To Breadbuuter’s house.”

Straw stopped dead. “You want me to fly the Harrier jet to Cornelius J Breadbuuter’s house?” He turned to look at his boss. “That’s it?”

“Yes.” Thunder was mystified by the young man’s response.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Straw squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “He lives next door,” he said. “It will take me longer to get the plane ready than it would to walk over there, which, I might add, would do you a world of good. You figure hasn’t been remaining as trim as it once was.”

Thunder looked down at his waist then back at his pilot. “Listen ‘friend’” he began hotly. “I am in perfect condition. And besides, the jet gives off an impression of power and superiority. He doesn’t have one, so it makes me look good.” A haughty expression settled on his face as he raised his head ever so slightly and peered down his beak at Daq.

“Fine.” Straw continued to where the planes were stored, muttering about the price of jet fuel these days, and did anyone know how much cabbage cost and how late it would be before he could get to bed, basically sounding like an old man.

Thunderfunk shook his head. Did the young people of the world understand nothing about the proper use and presentation of power? There was still much that he had to teach his pilot. Much indeed.

Fools of us All - Chapter 25

With grim satisfaction, I watched the young man’s face darken from a lack of oxygen. His eyes bugged out slightly as he tried to speak, but there was no explanation he could give that was going to satisfy me. An ‘ah hell’ was the only warning I had before Spin’s larger frame crashed into me, knocking me flying. By the time we had landed I had managed to flip on top of him, driving my shoulder into his sternum. To his credit, even as all of the air whooshed out of his lungs, he managed to hang on to me. I fought wildly, doing everything I could to get away from him, but he continued to cling to me for all he was worth. It wasn’t until I kneed him in the crotch that he finally let go. I leapt to my feet and drew my gun, waving it at both men.

Spin’s wheezy laugh brought me up short. “What are you going to do, shoot me?” he gasped. “I thought I was the chosen one.”

“You are,” I said through clenched teeth. “But he’s not.” I pointed the gun at Jack, who was still sitting on the ground, coughing loudly. Slowly I began to squeeze the trigger, the gun held steady, pointed straight at his heart.

“No, he’s not.” Spin’s voice had regained most of its normal tone, but now there was a gravitas that had not been there before. “But I don’t think you want to shoot him.”

“He killed everyone I knew, Spin.” Jack finally stopped coughing. Looking up at me, he flinched, covering his head with his hands. A muffled whimper escaped his lips. “I have nothing left because of him.”

I sensed more than saw Spin rise to his feet and step closer to me. “I don’t know what you mean by that,” he said. “I just know that you don’t want to shoot him. You haven’t tried to kill anyone yet, even when you had the chance and the reason. Those goons in the hospital could have died, but you didn’t kill them. When the soldiers chased us you tried not to hurt them more than necessary. And now this boy is unarmed, laying defenceless on the floor and I’m supposed to believe that you would kill him?” Except I could hear in his voice that he did believe I would. The gun wavered slightly, but I put more pressure on the trigger.

“Help me out kid,” said Spin, a pleading note in his voice.

“I didn’t know it was a bomb!” Jack raised his head and stared at me, his eyes wide.

I didn’t want to believe him. I stepped towards him, thrusting the gun forward as though I could throw the bullets through him. A wave of rage and despair washed over me and I turned, hurling the gun into the wall behind me, screaming. He was telling the truth.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 24

Transitionary

Thunderfunk the Superchicken sat in darkness, watching the massive screens set up in front of him. Various news stations flashed before him, along with business reports, and an episode of The Honeymooners, which was followed by I Love Lucy. That poor Ricky, he never got any respect.

But Thunder’s attention wasn’t on Ricky, or Lucy’s latest hijinks. Instead he was brooding. The past week’s adventure had been profitable, ridding himself of some pesky do-gooders, but he was not free of annoyances yet. There was still Cornelius J. Breadbuuter. His eyes narrowed at the thought of his arch nemesis. His other arch nemesis. It was not easy having two separate nemeses to keep track of. CJB was a nasty piece of work, though, and in the past ten years had been the one who had come closest to destroying him. Their battles would be the subject of poetry. Assuming, of course, they allowed any poets to view their battles and live. That was the one thing the two of them had in common: a hatred for poetry. Lousy iambic pentameter.

Movement from one of his security camera feeds caught his eye. He turned his attention to the scene at the end of his driveway where the guard booth was set up. He groaned inwardly as, after only a minute of conversation, the guard let that infernal Mrs. Henderson onto the premises. Carefully he zoomed the camera view in to get a closer look at the elderly woman. She was obviously coming empty handed. Returning the camera to its normal position, Thunder casually reached over and pressed the button that locked down his house and his secret lair, making them impenetrable to outside forces. He was only mildly surprised when her cat jumped up from its hiding place and tried to take a big bite out of his head.

With a sigh he placed the cat into the specially designed tube (known in some cultures as a cannon) to send it back to its own home (known in some cultures as firing it out of a cannon). Sighing a frustrated sigh, he leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. “Straw, fetch me a glass of sherry.”

No response.

“Straw, I am not accustomed to waiting. Now pour me my drink.”

There was still no response.

Mostly likely, thought Thunder as he sat up straight in his chair, because he is still at the hospital. The hospital that had discharged him over an hour ago. The hospital where Straw would be waiting for the ride that Thunder was to provide.

Hastily, Thunder rose to his feet, but sank back into the chair when he noticed Mrs. Henderson was still standing at the front door, tapping on it insistently. Settling back, Thunder got comfortable. It might be some time before he was able to leave his house safely.

Fools of us All - Chapter 24

The fire stank. We had been unable to find anything to burn besides seat cushions, so one of those was flickering in the light, providing some light, a modicum of heat, and an aroma that would choke a yak. Fortunately, there was a slight breeze whistling through cracks in the walls and ceiling, sending most of the smell away from us.

Jack sat huddled between Caz and I, his arms wrapped around himself. Now that I was not chasing him or being pummelled by his overly large companion I was able to not some details about him. For one, his clothing was quite tattered and dirty, as though he had nothing else to wear and no chance to clean it. His eyes seemed sunken into a hollow face, and there were deep rings underneath them. His dark skin was marked with cuts and scars, evidence of a rough life. His shoes looked brand new, though if he had stolen them or had scraped together enough money to buy them, I was not sure.

He continued his story. “I was just trying to find something I could sell so I could buy some food, that’s all.” He looked pleadingly at me. “I didn’t want you to get hurt, but you just kept chasing me, and I thought you were going to get me arrested. I don’t want to go to the prison camps. I wouldn’t last a day! When I ran across Little Mike, I thought I could get him to scare you off. I never seen anyone handle him like you did.” A hint of respect crept into his voice.

I rubbed my arm, one of many bruised spots on my body. “Thanks,” I muttered, “but I could have done without having to handle him.”

He grinned, a flash of teeth in the dark, gone almost before it came. “You won’t turn me in, will you?”

I glanced at Caz, but she was staring at Jack, an odd expression on her face. Shrugging, I turned back to Jack. “Nah, no harm no foul I guess.”

“How did you know about here?” asked Caz suddenly, her voice slightly strained.

“It’s hard not to know about a burnt out building, lady. Especially when you are living on the street. Knowing about places to sleep with a roof over a guy’s head is always a help.” He looked slightly defensive.

“Not the building. I mean this room. This room where we were sleeping.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked Caz, not recognising at the time the look of relief that flooded Jack’s face. “The door wasn’t enough of a clue?”

“This was a secret room, a hiding room designed to be shut in an emergency, shielded so sensors could not penetrate it, reinforced so that explosions could not harm it,” she spoke to me, but her eyes never left Jack’s face, “and camouflaged so that no one could recognise it for what it was, unless they knew it was here!”

Jack visibly started at that.

I replied before he had a chance, though. “But I saw the door too. I knew it was here.”

Finally her eyes reluctantly met mine. “No, you didn’t. I opened the door and then called you over. But you told me that when you surprised him, he was looking down at first and that is why he didn’t see you.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small square with a few wires sticking out of one end. “But I found this on the ground.” Tossing it to me, she turned to face Jack again, her eyes narrowed, her jaw clenched.

I caught the device and looked closer. A small display was on one side. A few buttons were beneath the display and a tiny hole for a jack was on the end opposite the wires. Puzzled, I looked at Caz. “It would take me a hundred years to come up with a guess for what this is.”

Her voice was quiet, and there was an edge on it that I had never heard before. “It’s for picking locks - like that ones protecting this room.”

Jack suddenly leapt to his feet, making a break for the door. Caz was faster, though, and soon the young man was on his back with Caz’s knee on his throat. “You killed everyone I loved!” Tears flowed down her face. “I should kill you right now!”

I stared at the two of them, wondering if I should intervene.