Fools of us All - Chapter 57

Caz

“Are you going to kill us?” whined the man Spin was tying up. The other man was still sprawled on the floor, dried blood on his head and face. His chest continued to rise and fall rhythmically, so I knew he was alive.

The room we were in had a bank of screens on the wall in front of a large control board. Spin had moved the chair away from the computer monitor he had shot as it was sparking dangerously. He finished tying the man’s legs and then shoved him into the chair.

“Shut up,” hissed the woman. I had tied her hands behind her and then tied her to a chair. She was the only one of the three who would be any trouble if she got free.

“But they might be one of the aliens, here to infiltrate us and kill everyone.” The panic in his voice made his words nearly unintelligible.

“Oh for heaven’s sake.” I turned to the woman. “Do you have to put up with this all the time?”

She turned her look of scorn from him to me. “He is an idiot, but at least I can trust him. Plus, he raises a good point.”

“So you really think,” I said, “that there are aliens attacking the space mines and on their way here?”

“That’s what is being said,” she replied.

I rolled my eyes. “There are no aliens. It’s a cover-up and you completely bought it.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said defiantly.

I shrugged. “Fine. Spin, would you turn on the vids?” I tried to maintain a cold stare at the woman, but after too long without any sound, I faced him. “Is there a problem?”

He was concentrating intensely on the console, reaching a finger forward every few seconds before pulling it back. “That’s…a lot of buttons,” he said.

“Help him,” I growled at the conscious man.

He slowly hopped over to console and stared down at it as well. “Try the blue button,” he finally muttered. Spin hit it, but nothing happened. “Huh,” said the captive. “Maybe it’s the yellow button, and then turn the dial beside it halfway.” Again nothing.

“When I worked the sound board at school, I would sometimes hit the big red button a few times to get things going.” He reached out and hit the biggest red button he could find. The lights in the room flicked on and off a few times.

“I wondered how the lights worked here,” said the captive. “Maybe those two green buttons at the same time?”

I couldn’t believe it. “What are you trying to pull?” I yelled. “Just get the vids running!”

He cowered against the console. “I’m sorry. I don’t usually run this board. I’m the audio com guy.”

“So who does run it?”

He looked at the unconscious man, and then back at me. I resisted the urge to rip off his eyebrows.

“What now?” asked Spin. He faced me and crossed his arms, leaning against the board. The video displays behind him sprang to life, emitting a cacophony of noise. The captive emitted a squeak and fell forward, hitting the ground with a thud. Spin spun around and stared at the board for a moment, finally turning a single knob which quieted the din. A few seconds later, he threw a series of switches before turning the knob again. This time there was only a single voice, matching with the picture in the top left hand corner.

“All he has to do is spin the wheel to a seven or a banana and he is through to the bonus lightning round, which today features actual lightning…” Spin flicked a switch, cutting the woman’s voice of.

“Wrong channel,” he said. Glancing at the bank of monitors again, he flipped another switch, pointing at the screen nearest him.

“…disturbing new evidence about the alleged alien invasion as recently described by President Nairu. It appears that a massive hoax has been perpetrated, leading everyone to believe that a danger existed where there was none…”

He switched to another screen. “The president was unavailable for comment when we contacted his office, but a statement was released, stating ‘We will be looking into these allegations.’ Understandably, people were not comforted by this lack of response…”

He continued to switch between stations, all of which said something similar, until I told him to cut them off

“What do you think now?” I asked.

The woman had lost her bravado. “Why would they do this?” She seemed to have withdrawn, almost asking herself and not us.

“Power,” I replied. “It is easier to control a scared populace than a curious and comfortable one. No one asks questions when they are scared. They just follow whatever they are told will make them safe.”

Sobbing came from the floor where the audio com man was laying. The woman was nearly catatonic from shock. We had done enough damage here. “Let’s go,” I said to Spin.

As we neared the main doors, they were ripped apart by a massive explosion. I was thrown back several feet, smashing against a wall with enough force to rattle my teeth. The last thing I saw before I was buried under the wall Spin laying near the room door, blood pouring from his head.

And then there was darkness.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken

Hidden Credits Scene

Thunderfunk the Superchicken looked around. Cornelius J Breadbuuter lay a few feet away, not moving. It was hard to say if he was dead or simply unconscious. It was hard to focus on any details in his surroundings. His gaze finally rested on his leg where a very determined cat had latched on, his jaws closed like vise grips.

Thunder sighed heavily. “I hate you.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 55

Epilogue

Straw stayed where he had seen Thunder disappear for a long time, unsure of what to do. Nothing happened for quite some time. The device rolled to a stop and sat, silent and foreboding. Mrs. Henderson wandered by, oblivious to the carnage around her, merely asking him if he had seen Mr Penticton. He got a funny look on his face then and merely shook his head. As she started to leave, Tom began to wake up. Thinking quickly, Straw asked her to take care of Tom until he was all better. She smiled and agreed, taking a confused Tom by the arm and leading him away. That was the last time Tom was ever seen, though Straw was sure he lived his days out very pampered.

“When you see Thunderfunk,” she said as she walked away, “tell him that I have a fresh batch of cookies waiting for him.”

Straw nodded absently and watched her walk past the device without a second glance. He reached into his pocket and hit a button on the small controller he was carrying. A compartment opened and spit out a vacuum. “Oh there it is,” he heard her say. She grabbed the vacuum and put it into Tom’s arms. “That nice neighbour of mine borrowed this ages ago. I suppose he finished using it.”

Wiping a single tear from his eye, Straw walked away. He didn’t know what he was going to do now, but he knew one thing. The world would never see anyone like Thunderfunk the Superchicken again.

Fools of us All - Chapter 56

Spin

I have watched many movies, and they never talk about the pain of having a gun pressed against the face. It hurts! I could feel the cold metal digging into my cheek, possibly cutting the skin. I was not particularly pleased with this arrangement.

“Come out of the room, slowly,” said the woman who was holding me hostage. She was the same one who had told us which room to use. I don’t know why she had suddenly attacked us, and I wasn’t sure that it mattered at this point. I just hoped she wasn’t prone to spasms, especially of the hands.

Caz scowled at me as she walked past, into the hallway. All I could do was shrug almost imperceptibly. I had been distracted by taking off my helmet and hadn’t noticed the woman sneaking up on me until she had the gun pressed against my face. I knew it was my fault.

We started walking down the hallway, heading back to the first room. She was now behind both of us, the gun pressed squarely against my back. Maybe she was afraid that she would miss if she kept it any further away.

“What are you going to do with us?” asked Caz, casually.

“Shut up,” replied the woman. For good measure, she jabbed me in the kidney.

“Okay,” said Caz with a shrug. I studied the back of her head intensely, wondering what she was thinking. And then it disappeared. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled out on the ground, my knee throbbing from where I had banged it on the floor, my ears ringing from the sound of the shot that had just missed my ear.

I glanced up at the woman and understanding hit me like a pie in the face. Caz had fallen, making it look like she tripped, causing me to stumble, and had used that distraction to attack the woman. Now they were struggling for control of the weapon.

Wanting to help, I started to rise, only to be distracted by a shout from the doorway of the only room with a light. A guy stepped out, his weapon already drawn. He was focussed on the ladies fighting and didn’t notice me at first. I used those brief seconds to decide that I was just close enough. With a yell I darted forward, hitting him squarely in the gut. His breath exited his body with a whoosh, and our momentum carried us into bank of computers. Sparks flew as he sank to the floor.

There was another man sitting at a computer terminal. I grabbed the downed man’s gun and fired a blast into the computer, leaving it a smoking crater. “You try anything, I may have to shoot you,” I said, trying to sound intimidating. It must have worked because he nodded and pushed his chair back.

I looked out into the hall and was happy to see Caz standing triumphantly over her foe. We had managed to turn the tables quite handily. Now if only there were a way to get out here.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 54

Victory, or Defeat?

Thunderfunk watched as Cornelius J. Breadbuuter charged toward him, his sword held high, a bloodcurdling scream making its way from his lips. He waited until the last possible second before yelling “NOW!” and ducking. A soft ‘phoomp’ sounded from the device and a shape flew over Thunderfunk’s head. He glanced up in time to see the clown land gracefully in front of Breadbuuter.

With blinding speed, the clown began his attack. He pulled out a balloon sword that popped against Breadbuuter’s sword, revealing a deadly blade within. The clown leapt around, landing a few kicks with his giant feet. The two continued a furious battle, each one scoring a glancing blow with the sword.

While attempting a high kick, Breadbuuter slipped on the muddy ground. He fell on his back, his sword flying from his hand. The clown smiled and raised his sword. Suddenly he crossed his eyes and fell woozily to the ground. Tom’s puppet spit out the frying pan it was holding in its mouth and turned slowly to gaze at Thunderfunk. For a moment, nothing moved.

Thunder stopped, now standing only a few feet away from his archnemesis who was regaining his feet. The two stood, staring at each other for a long time. “So this is it,” said Thunder quietly.

“I suppose it is,” replied Breadbuuter.

Straw slammed the automatic pilot button on his console and raced out of the room. There was no way that he was letting Thunder face Breadbuuter and Tom on his own. By the time he reached the battleground, he could see the battle was already going on, and Thunder was on the defensive, being driven back step by step.

As he was running, Straw stumbled over something, falling heavily to the ground. As he rose to his feet, he glanced at what tripped him, smiling devilishly when he saw what it was.

Thunder stepped back again, dodging another blow. This could not last for long. Suddenly he heard a voice. “Tom!” it yelled. Everyone stopped and glanced over. A pair of popping sounds was followed by loud chittering noises that grew louder. Thunder smiled as the first squirrel flew by, snagging Tom’s puppet as it did. Before he had a chance to react, a second squirrel landed squarely on his head, biting and clawing furiously.

Noticing his foe’s distraction, Thunder stepped forward and landed a devastating blow on Breadbuuter’s chin, sending him flying. And then there was no more time to think. The final battle was on.

Straw tossed the gun aside and charged at Tom, tackling him hard. The two of them began to trade blows. A quick series of punches was followed by a flurry of kicks, but most of them were blocked by Tom. He grabbed Straw and tossed him, following up with his own blows, just missing crushing Straw’s skull by inches. The two of them continued to fight, not finding time for words, just trying to land a killing blow.

Meanwhile, Cornelius J. Breadbuuter and Thunderfunk the Superchicken were out for blood. They both ignored any opportunity for taunts and insults in favour of brutal combat. Breadbuuter tried to regain his sword, but was savagely punched by the giant chicken. They turned on each other, fighting up close and personal, and dirty. They were not above using any cheap trick that they could think of to gain an upper hand. Breadbuuter bit Thunder while the chicken tried to hit him in a very tender area. Soon the two of them were battered and bruised, blood flowing freely from a series of cuts. Thunder, down on one knee for a moment, spared a glance at his protege, noting with a grimace that Straw seemed to be facing a losing battle.

Putting one wing on the ground to push himself to his feet, a stab of pain shot up his arm. Yelling furiously, he shook his hand, glaring at the turtle clinging furiously there. “Louie!” he screamed. “You are so fired.” He shook his hand again and dislodged the poor reptile, sending him flying through the air, that self-satisfied smirk on his face once again.

Straw stumbled and fell, screaming with pain as Tom scored a hard blow on his shoulder. Light danced before his eyes and he prepared himself for the killing blow. Instead, all Tom said was ‘Thud’ and then ‘ow. Hey quit it.” Blinking rapidly, Straw cleared his vision and saw Tom dancing around, a turtle clinging furiously onto his finger. A large welt was growing on his head.

“Way to go Louie,” muttered Straw. He jumped to his feet and using the momentary distraction, he leapt forward, levelling Tom with a bonecrushing tackle, doing his dead-level best to drive his shoulder through Tom’s sternum. With a whoosh, all of the air left Tom’s lungs. They landed hard and rolled a few times, Straw landing on top. Tom groaned weakly. Making a fist, Straw glared at his foe. “I’d like you to meet my sock puppet.” His fist flew forward and socked Tom in the face, knocking him cold. Straw smiled, glad he could use a pun in such an effective manner.

Rising gingerly to his feet, he looked to see where Thunder was. The two had moved their battle a long ways away. Moving as fast as he could, Straw began to run.

“You can’t defeat me,” growled Thunder. He landed another haymaker, feeling the jolt of the punch all the way up his arm. “I am the best.”

Cornelius flew threw the air and landed hard, but he got to his feet quickly. “You were nothing before I found you,” he said, spitting out blood and teeth. “You owe everything to me.”

“I owe you nothing,” spat Thunder, swinging wildly. He missed and Breadbuuter was quick to take advantage, landing a series of punches that sent Thunder stumbling back several feet before falling.

“You think you can win,” said Breadbuuter, reaching down. He opened a hidden hatch and pulled out a conveniently placed handheld missile launcher. “But you should have chosen your battleground more wisely.” He levelled the launcher and squeezed the trigger.

Straw skidded to a halt as soon as he saw the missile launcher. He was too far away to do anything. He watched in horror as it all played out. Thunder, in desperation, reached down and scooped up a handful of dirt, throwing it in Breadbuuter’s face just as he squeezed the trigger. He threw his hands up, throwing the missile off target. It flew almost straight up about fifty feet before it was blown out of the air by the device’s anti-missile laser. A fireball began to expand in every direction as Thunderfunk and Cornelius charged at each other, screaming loudly enough to be heard over the roar of the explosion. They slammed into each other at full force just as the fireball reached them. The last thing that Straw saw before covering his eyes was a small cat leaping onto Straw’s back, an odd look of satisfaction on its face.

When the fireball disappeared, Straw rubbed his eyes and looked, but there was nothing to be seen. Thunderfunk the Superchicken was gone.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 53

Penultimate

The first thing that Cornelius J. Breadbuuter saw when he reached his secret command centre was the flashing lights. A dim red light was shining steadily, its colour being broken up by the blinking green and yellow lights across the panel. He sat in his chair and started throwing switches and hitting buttons. He called up his various cameras that were set up across his estate. It was the fourth camera that showed him what he was afraid to see.

Rising up from under Thunderfunk the Superchicken’s grounds was a giant machine, its outside bristling with frightening looking weapons. The device was even more frightening than he had imagined. Before it even had a chance to fully rise to ground level, he fired every missile he had left. They flew with the speed of a thought.

As they neared their target, they began to explode, turning the sky into a medley of reds and oranges, light covered in smoke. Not a single missile made its intended destination. “He must have some sort of laser grid defence!” Breadbuuter was not pleased.

Suddenly a klaxon sounded, blaring from a speaker in the wall, set a little to close to the chair he was using. He looked at his radar, and a hundred points of light seemed to leap from the device. Without thinking he reached over and slapped his automatic defences. The entire room vibrated slightly as each missile exploded, but he was too far down to be hurt and the missiles all blew up too far away to do any real damage. The first round was a draw, but he knew the fight was not over.

One of his screens began to flicker, which was odd. Perhaps an explosion had gotten closer than he thought...


“First squirrel is away,” said Thunder into his radio. He pointed his squirrel gun another direction and fired again. In quick succession he fired six more squirrels over the fence where they scurried to find any wire they could and chew on it.

“Roger that,” replied Straw. He was sitting in the lair, guiding the device by remote control. It slowly began to rumble across the grass, firing off mortar rounds as it did. Breadbuuter’s guards began running from where they had been, firing their weapons. Thunderfunk responded at the same time as the device. Squirrels began raining out, leaping onto the guards, biting and scratching. At the same time, the device fired out dozens of turtles at the guards. The hard shells bounced off of the guards, knocking many unconscious. Once the turtles had landed, they would find the nearest person they could and begin biting, latching on with their powerful and sharp beaks. Many guards fell to these vicious creatures.

Thunderfunk ran forward, firing another squirrel, knocking a guard out cold. Suddenly something clamped onto his leg. He cried out with pain and reached down, grabbing the offending creature and ripping it off. He glared at the turtle menacingly. “Louie!” he cried. “You are so not getting a Christmas bonus this year. Now go do something useful.” Rearing back, he threw the turtle at an approaching guard, catching him right on the chin. If he had not known better, he would think that the turtle had been smiling. But that, clearly, was ridiculous.

A hole appeared in the fence near him, a victim of the mortar rounds. More guards poured through the holes. “Fire the soap,” yelled Thunder.

“Will do,” replied Straw. As the device continued to move forward, a spout popped out and suddenly a stream of soapy water came spewing forth into the path of the guards. Unable to stop their momentum, they slipped and fell heavily where they were quickly handled by the turtles, squirrels, and spaghetti. Tomato sauce and meatballs soon followed.

“Was that really necessary?” asked Thunder, pausing to admire the mess.

“I’ve never been clear what the spaghetti was for,” replied Straw. “I figured this was as good a time as any to use it.”

“Fair enough,” replied Thunder. “It is time for the ping pong balls,” he said. He counted to ten and then sprinted for the hole, hoping that all of the guards were gone, as it appeared.

A hail of hockey pucks began to fly over his head. Normally, the ping pong balls would create a cloud of cover that would allow him to sneak onto the grounds unobserved. Hopefully the pucks were going to do the same.


Cornelius sat in his chair, devastated. His defences were overwhelmed. His fence was destroyed by the mortar rounds, as were his lava crocodile pit and his escape vehicles. The grounds and house had taken heavy damage as well. And now there were hockey pucks flying around as well. As he watched, he saw his last remaining guard take a puck right to the face. He made a mental note to schedule that man for a dental appointment. Suddenly some movement caught his eye. It was hard to make out, but it looked like Thunderfunk was sneaking onto the grounds. With a roar of anger, Breadbuuter leapt to his feet and grabbed his sword. It was time to finish this.

Fools of us All - Chapter 55

Caz

“Don’t get used to this,” I muttered as the door swung shut behind us. The building was dark inside, the only illumination coming from some open doors. A low murmur of voices could be heard throughout. “We need to find an empty room,” I whispered. We crept down the hall to the first room. I peeked around the corner for a split second. Turning to Spin, I leaned forward. “There are people in here without helmets,” I whispered. “Give me my gun back and act like we are here on business.” I grabbed the weapon he held out and holstered it, indicating he should do the same. “And give me the papers.” Once I had them, I turned and walked briskly into the room, studying the papers as I did.

“Excuse me,” came a voice. I looked up, acting surprised to see anyone there. “Can I help you?” asked a stern looking woman.

“Sorry,” I said, trying to look confused. “I was told that the first room on the left would be empty and I could use it. I have some work to do,” I finished vaguely, indicating my papers.

The woman relaxed. “Amazing how poorly the communication department communicates, isn’t it,” she said with a tired grin. “The room at the end of the hall should be free,” she continued after checking a paper in her hand. “Try not to be too long.”

I nodded politely and left the room, trying not to run. I nodded at Spin who followed without saying a word. We got to the empty room and I sat down. “Stand guard,” I said as I began to turn on machines. As everything began to hum, I glanced through the papers, feeling sick as I did. These papers proved what I had feared. There were no aliens. The supposed attacks had been faked in an effort to scare people into giving more power to the military, leading to fewer rights and freedoms. This was nothing but a power play.

Fortunately, the news was still willing to print anything that was sensational, and this would be the most sensational thing they had ever seen. As soon as the computers I needed were running, I scanned the pages as fast as I could. Within minutes, the entire contents of the papers were sent to every news agency I could think of. The truth would be told.

“You ready to go,” I said to Spin as I shut the machines down again.

“I think I want to stay,” he replied, a slight quaver in his voice.

“Why would you want to do that?” I asked as I turned around.

“Because the woman with the gun against my face asked me to.”

I sighed and tossed her my gun, raising my eyebrows at Spin, who could only shrug and look apologetic.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 52

Fair Warning

Cornelius J. Breadbuuter settled back in his chair, brooding. A fire crackled in the fireplace, warming his toes. A snifter of brandy was perched on the table near his elbow, its contents half emptied already. Light was cast from the fire, creating flickering shadows that danced to music only they could hear. The scene was calm and peaceful, as relaxing an evening as one could wish for, and Breadbuuter hated it.

For two weeks, Thunderfunk the Superchicken had sent a constant barrage of attacks as the evil genius tried to gain access into his home. And then they had stopped. It had been six days now, and there had been nary a peep from his adversary. In all of the years that they had fought with and against each other, this was the longest he had ever seen the giant chicken go without some sort of plan or scheme. Something was wrong and Breadbuuter was worried.

Reaching out carefully, he grabbed his brandy, raising it to his lips for a bracing sip of the drink. Instead, he splashed the entire contents all over his face when the phone’s shrill ring cut through the silence. Grabbing a kerchief, he dabbed at the spilled liquid ineffectually. It was quite likely that his smoking jacket was ruined. Wiping his face, he poured himself another drink, downing it in a single gulp. Pouring another, he splashed it in his face again when Tom appeared at his side. “What do you want?” spluttered Breadbuuter, keeping a wary eye on Tom’s puppet, which was looking a little tattered.

“The phone is for you sir,” said Tom before bowing slightly and backing out of the room. The puppet never stopped staring.

Unnerved, Breadbuuter regarded the nearly empty bottle of brandy for a moment before replacing it on the table. Why risk a third time, he figured. Taking a deep, calming breath instead, he answered the phone. “This is Breadbuuter,” he said authoritatively.

“You’ve had your chance,” came a calm voice. “Now face the device.” The line went dead.

Breadbuuter looked at the phone for a long moment, his face growing pale. With a shaking hand he took up the brandy bottle and drained it down to the last dregs. He sighed contentedly before tearing out of the room to his command centre. It was time to fight!

Fools of us All - Chapter 54

Spin

Caz grabbed my arm and began tugging, her short hair swaying in the cool breeze. “What?” I asked. “Shouldn’t we act cool, like we belong here?”

Her eyes narrowed and she began to run. Something was odd about that. I reached up to rub my face, running my hand along my helmet. “Aw crap,” I muttered. I was wearing my helmet, but she wasn’t wearing hers, or carrying it, which meant that someone was going to find it and we would be caught soon if we didn’t leave now. I tucked the papers we had just stolen into my shirt and began running after Caz.

We had only travelled a few feet when an alarm began to sound. In a way, it was a blessing because it meant everyone started running around the base, so we didn’t look too out of place. Unfortunately, the base quickly entered a lockdown, so there was no way to exit. I caught up to Caz who was now hiding behind a shed. “What do we do?” I asked.

She looked around frantically, her lips pressed together until they were just a thin line on her face. Suddenly her eyes lit up and she focussed on something behind me. I turned around, hoping to see an easy exit. Instead I saw a large building with a giant satellite dish on top. My heart sank. “That’s not a television satellite, is it?” I whispered.

She shook her head, starting forward.

“We’re going to break in there and transmit the contents of these papers, aren’t we?”

She nodded, throwing a grim smile at me over her shoulder. “You’re starting to pick up on things faster,” she said as she broke into a jog.

“Lucky me,” I muttered, following her.

We ran for a moment, trying to stay somewhat hidden. There was still frantic activity going on all around us and we were ignored, but I knew that wouldn’t last. “You’re too conspicuous without your helmet,” I said. “If anyone looks for even a second, we are both toast.”

“I know, but we don’t have any alternative.”

I smiled, even though she couldn’t see it. “Sure we do. Give me your gun.”

“Why?”

“You’re my prisoner. I was told to meet the general at the communications building once I had captured you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” she said. “Why would the general meet you there?”

“I don’t know. But this is the army. I don’t have to know, I just have to do what the general says to do, even if it doesn’t make sense. Do you want to question the general’s orders?”

She didn’t look completely convinced, but she handed me her weapon. “It’s the best option we have,” she said. We continued towards the building, but now I was behind her, my gun pointed at her, and we were walking briskly instead of running. I was glad that the helmet covered my face because there was no way I was keeping a straight face if we were confronted. I could only hope that my voice stayed steady.

We neared the building without being stopped. I saw a couple soldiers notice us, but the ruse seemed to work. I think I may have had a higher ranking uniform, because at least one of them looked like they wanted to say something but hesitated when he saw my uniform.

As we reached the door, a guard stopped us. “You can’t go in there.” He didn’t point his weapon at us, but he moved it slightly, getting it ready to shoot us if needed.

I took a deep breath and plunged ahead with the plan. “I have orders to bring this prisoner here to meet the general.” Good, my voice sounded somewhat steady.

“Why here. Sir.” That confirmed it. My rank was higher than a private, thank goodness.

“I have no idea, son,” I said, trying to sound somewhat exasperated. “When I get an order, I usually don’t ask too many questions. Leads to things like court martials and discharges and, once, a firing squad.” Caz threw a scowl at me that I chose to ignore.

The guard said nothing for a long moment, obviously torn about what to do.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” I said, beginning to turn away. “When the general arrives, would you mind telling him why we weren’t able to meet him like he ordered?” I emphasised the last word slightly.

“Sorry sir, go right in,” said the guard with a nervous squeak.

“Thank you.” I returned the salute he threw me and walked through the door he held open for
me. I could get used to this.

Fools of us All - Chapter 53

CAZ

We found ourselves in a small space, roughly the size of a closet. I shut the hidden door behind us and we were plunged into darkness. The only light came from a small peephole set in the wall in front of us. I squeezed past Spin to take a look.

“What do you see?” hissed Spin in my ear.

“It looks like a spare bedroom,” I replied. A bed was in the corner, made with military precision, the corners tucked in so tight you could trap a person beneath the sheets. A small desk with a lamp was near the bed. One wall was lined with bookshelves. The light was off in the room, but the door was open, giving me a view of the room beyond. I could see the edge of the general’s desk, and his elbow resting on it. His aide was standing at the window, looking out into the night. He was stroking his chin with one hand, an intense look of concentration on his face. I could hear muffled talking, but couldn’t make out any words. Spin’s breathing was loud in my ears.

“What do we do now?” he asked.

“I think we can get into the room, but we have to wait for the general and his aide to leave.” As though they had been listening, the general’s aide walked to the door, opened it for the general, and the two of them exited. The room was plunged into darkness.

Surprised, but not wanting to waste the opportunity, I felt around the edges of the seeming wall in front of me. A small knot seemed loose, and when I pushed it, the wall swung open. We crept through the bedroom and into the main room, keeping our heads down. I removed my helmet and placed it on the seat at the desk. “We need to find some proof,” I whispered. “I’ll look through the desk, you look at the cabinet in the corner.”

“Roger,” he replied.

We rifled through papers for a while, not finding much that was helpful. I looked through each drawer twice, but still didn’t see anything that could be considered proof. I sat down on the floor, puzzled. This was a military operation. There had to be a paper trail somewhere. I stared at the desk. It was an old oak desk, stained a deep red colour and polished so that it shone, even in the dim light. It had one thin drawer at the hole where the chair rested that held pencils and other stationery supplies. On either side of there were three drawers. The top two were the same size, but the bottom one was larger, which bugged me for some reason.

I pulled out the drawer and looked at the papers that were resting there. I pulled out the second drawer and saw that both drawers were full and were holding the same amount of paper.
I groaned audibly.

“What’s the matter?” asked Spin. He closed the last drawer on the cabinet he had been examining and came over.

“There’s a false bottom in this drawer,” I replied. “I should have known. It’s so obvious.” I pulled out the papers and felt around the empty drawer until I figured out how to open it. With a soft click the false bottom popped up, revealing another stack of papers. I grabbed them and gave a quick scan. “Yeah, this is what we are looking for.” I handed the papers to Spin and then returned the remaining papers to their rightful spot. “Let’s get out of here.”

Just then, the door handle rattled and voices could be heard from the other side. Spin and I bolted to the hidden room, closing it just in time. As we snuck out into the cool night air, my heart sank.

My helmet was still on the general’s desk.

Fools of us All - Chapter 52

SPIN

“Why did I know you were going to say that?” I lamented. I was starting to get the feeling that spending time with Caz was never going to get easier. “Who can we tell that would believe us?” I whispered.

“No one,” she replied. “We need proof.”

I looked at her before peering into the room once again. The general was leaning back in his chair, his feet up on his desk, polished so fine that they were like a mirror. I ducked back, worried that he could see me in them. “We need to break into his office, don’t we.”

The helmet across from me bobbed the affirmative. Sometimes it was no fun being right.

“The night is cooling off. Close the window for me, would you?” The general leaned forward, putting his feet back on the floor. A loud creak emerged from the chair as his weight shifted.

“Of course, sir.” His face remained bland as he walked towards where we were crouched. There was no time to hide, so we did the only suitable thing. When the aide reached the window, we saluted him crisply and walked away resolutely once he had returned the gesture. Once around the corner of the building, we stopped holding our breath.

“That was too close,” I remarked, but she wasn’t listening. She was already formulating the plan for getting the proof we needed. “Let me know when you think of something,” I said, leaning against the building, falling flat on my face when the hidden door popped open.

“I’ve thought of something,” said Caz.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 51

The Beginning of the End

“How are the preparations coming?” Thunderfunk paced the control room nervously.

Lights flashed a rainbow of colour across Straw Daq’s face as the clicking of various buttons being pushed flooded the room. His hands were a blur as has flipped switches and turned dials. Sweat ran down his face, falling to splash on the rubberized tile. “Things are going well,” he said tersely.

“Excellent.” Thunder wrung his hands. “Are the lasers in place?”

“Yes. And I calibrated them myself.”

“Good. What about the incendiary devices?”

“Placed at the best strategic locations.”

“Grenade launchers?”

“Loaded and armed.” Straw wiped his brow with a damp sock.

“Mortar rounds?”

“Prepped.”

“Missiles?”

“Coordinates loaded and warheads armed.”

“Squirrel gun?”

“Ready.”

“Clown?”

“Just putting on his make up. We had an issue with the wig, but we think it has been handled.”

“Good. We certainly do not want a repeat of Grenada.”

Straw shuddered at the memory.

“Vacuum?”

“Bag emptied, ready to go.”

“Screwdriver?”

“I’ve gone with a Robertson this time. Seemed apropos given the circumstances.”

“A fine choice.” Thunder sat down, closing his eyes for a moment before leaping to his feet. “Spaghetti?”

“Al dente.”

“Soap?”

“Nice and sudsy.”

“Turtles?”

“Shells are waxed and buffed. One wasn’t feeling in a bitey mood, but I reminded him that he was contractually obligated.”

“It was Louie, wasn’t it.” Thunder rubbed the spot at the bridge of his beak that always seemed to calm him down. “I never should have hired him.”

“Don’t worry, it will be okay.”

“Okay. Did you get the ping pong balls?”

Straw grimaced and breathed in through a clenched mouth. “The store was sold out. All they had left was hockey pucks, and not very many of those.”

“It will have to do.” The two looked at each other for a long moment. “It is time, isn’t it.”

Straw nodded.

“Very well.” Thunder tugged on his tuxedo jacket and straightened his bow tie. “Then make the call.”

Fools of us All - Chapter 51

CAZ

“Would you like a drink, sir?” asked the aide. He grabbed a series of bottles, deftly pouring and mixing a cocktail of some sort.

“Wha..oh, yes. Of course.” The general scrawled his signature at the bottom of a page. As he accepted the drink, he sat back, rubbing his neck. “That’s good,” he complimented his aide.

“Only the best for you, sir,” came the smooth reply. I was surprised at how casual this aide was with such an important man. Judging from the plethora of stars and stripes on the general’s uniform, he must have been the highest man in the army.

“Have we received any reports back from the field?” The general tipped his glass up, finishing the entire drink.

“Everything is proceeding as planned,” replied the aide. He quickly prepared a new drink.

“I’m still not comfortable with this,” said the general, accepting the new drink.

A sour expression flitted across the aide’s face, but it was gone before the general could notice. “I understand, General Toshi, but you saw how restless the workers were getting. We needed something to stop any chance of them organising or revolting. We need them under control and faking some alien attacks was enough to get them scared and clamouring for our help and control. Plus, revealing this information to the public will unite them and make them think that they need us to protect them as well. Everyone is under our control now.”

The general leaned back, holding out an empty glass. “I guess so,” he said reluctantly. “I am curious how you managed to set up the fake attacks so quickly.”

The aide smiled his oily smile. “It is amazing what bureaucracy can accomplish when the goal is its own gain.”

I pulled back from the window, staring at nothing for a long time. “We have to reveal the truth,” I whispered. I glanced over at Spin whose shoulders visibly slumped.

“Why did I know you were going to say that?” he lamented.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 50

Almost There

The next few days were busy for the evil supergenius. Straw Daq watched as his employer descended into madness. Actually, Thunderfunk the Superchicken had been mad from the day he hatched. “He came out half scrambled”, his father was fond of saying.

But Straw worried nonetheless. He had never seen Thunder so focussed before. There were several easy opportunities for megalomania that he ignored. He even, in his distraction, said hello to Mrs. Henderson without cursing or sighing. All he wanted to do was attack Breadbuuter.

One attempt after another failed. They drove a tank at his gates, only to be met with a barrage of anti-tank weaponry, such as a giant lizard foot falling from the sky to crush it. They tried to fly a helicopter over his house, but a laser guided laser sliced the rotors clean off and a humongous mallet smacked the falling helicopter far away. They tunnelled towards his land, only to accidentally hit the lava crocodile pit. Not much gets the heart pumping like being chased through a tunnel by a lava crocodile. As well as lava. The lowest of the low moments came when they dressed in girl guide uniforms and tried to sell cookies at the front gate.

Finally, after two weeks of failure, Thunder sat on his red leather chair, one arm in bandages, a bald spot in his feathers where the stiches had gone in. He slowly raised his head, meeting his protege’s eyes with an icy gaze. “It’s time,” he said.

“Prepare the device.”

Fools of us All - Chapter 50

SPIN

I couldn’t see her face, but I could tell from how her shoulders slumped that Caz was relieved about something. “What’s up?” I asked as we strolled around the side of the building. When we were hidden in the shadows, she removed her helmet.

“Didn’t you recongise that guy?” she hissed.

I glanced around but couldn’t see him anymore, so I shrugged.

“That was the general’s aide.”

“Which general?”

“The one that captured me when we first got back.” She wiped her brow and then put her helmet back on.

“Oh right. The guy I smacked in the face. Hey, if his aide is here, do you think the general would be too?”

Her helmet bobbed up and down in the dim light. We slunk over to a nearby window and peered inside. The general was sitting at a desk, reading over some papers. He glanced towards us, revealing the remnants of a nasty bruise around his eye and cheek, a bruise that closely resembled the butt end of the gun I had hit him with.

The door behind him opened and the aide returned, flicking a cigarette butt into the night. As they began to talk, I couldn’t help but wonder if the fear that had seemed to flash across the general’s face was real, or just a trick of the light.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 49

Attempt Number One

Applying black face paint over feathers was harder than it looked, but it was an essential part of late night skullduggery, largely because Thunderfunk was a white chicken with a white head, so he was highly visible, even at night. He finished the last touches, smearing the greasy paint on his neck feathers. “There, how do I look?” he asked Straw.

“Too much mascara,” replied the young man without looking up. He had been ready for an hour, but it was always much easier for him. “Can we go now?” he whined.

“Yes, the time for us to depart has arrived,” said Thunder.

They slunk out of their secret lair, moving silently through the inky blackness, grateful for the lack of a moon. Soon they had reached their destination. “This part of his fence is always neglected,” whispered Thunder, reaching forward to grasp the metal wire.

Straw looked around. “I smell barbecue,” he said, puzzled. “Who in the world would be barbecuing this late at night?”

“Hnng!” replied Thunder, his entire body stiff, smoke curling from under his black toque.

“Oh,” said Straw. He grabbed a stick and knocked Thunder’s hand off of the fence. The giant chicken slumped to the ground, babbling incoherently.

“I took the liberty of rewiring the fence for electricity,” came Breadbuuter’s voice over a hidden speaker. “Did you like it?”

“Hrrg!” replied Thunder sullenly. He rose to his feet shakily and tottered off, limping visibly.

Straw looked around, unsure of the protocol. “Sorry to have bothered you,” he finally said before running into the darkness. He bounced off of the fence with a loud zap. Rising to his feet, he glanced around. Patting his head until the flames went out, turned and followed Thunder into the darkness.

Fools of us All - Chapter 49

CAZ

It was absurdly easy to break into the base. The M.E.R.C. troops were well trained, but not overly observant, and having two extra soldiers wasn’t noticed by anyone. As soon as we were inside the base, we snuck away from the soldiers. The darkness provided many shadows in which to hide. I had never been here before, but the basic layout of the bases was pretty standard.

We paused at the corner of a building. “There’s no cover here,” I whispered. “We need to get to that building over there.”

“Let me guess,” came Spin’s reply. “We are going to casually walk across the open space and hope no one stops us.”

“You have a better idea?”

“Sadly, no.”

I knew the best way to get away with any deception, and that was to act like you belonged. So I strode with confidence as though I had done this many times before and knew exactly where I was going. By the time we reached the other building, my heart was pounding so hard it almost hurt. But we had made it.

Just then, the door opened and out stepped a man, an unlit cigarette dangling from him mouth. “Do you have a light, soldier?” he asked.

“No sir,” replied Spin, patting his pockets as though looking for matches or a lighter.

“That’s okay,” replied the highly decorated officer as he wandered away.

I was glad that Spin had answered because my heart had crawled into my throat and cowered in fear. Coming face to face with the general’s aide had almost been more than I could take.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 48

Set Up

“Come face me you coward!” Thunder raised his fist to the security camera, shaking vigorously.

The small tv set in the wall of the guard room sprang to life. “Oh, I think not, my dear colleague.” Breadbuuter’s large face filled the screen. “We have said all we have to say to each other.”

“We had an agreement...a gentleman’s accord. How dare you violate it?” Spittle flew from Thunder’s beak.

“Hah!” Breadbuuter threw his head back, flailing his arms to catch his balance. “That agreement was not worth the paper it was printed on. This is not a game, good sir. And I would thank you to leave my premises before I release the hounds.”

“You don’t have hounds.”

“True. I do have an angry, trained hummingbird though.”

Thunder’s eyes went wide. “All right, I shall leave. But I’ll return. And when I do, only one of us will emerge alive!” As he turned to go, a man in a guard’s uniform flew through the air. “He had better not be late on Monday,” muttered Thunder as he stalked away.

Fools of us All - Chapter 48

SPIN

In all of my life, I had had no experience with the military whatsoever. On occasion I would see army trucks drive by on the highway. Once I stood in line at a Tim Horton’s behind a guy in uniform. That was about it. And then I met Caz. Since then I had been attacked by some crazy army men in a hospital, flung across time and space only to be attacked by a whole lot of soldiers in a warehouse, impersonated a guard to rescue Caz, been on the run from the army, had a fight with the guards at the scrivener base (who were not strictly army, but that’s hardly the point) and now I was about to break into a highly guarded military base to see if aliens were indeed attacking the mining colonies out in space.

I gave Caz an appraising look. “Seems okay to me,” I said. There were some advantages to breaking into the military base as opposed to the scrivener hall. For one, women were allowed in the military, so she would not stand out quite so obviously. Second, most of the M.E.R.C. uniforms included helmets with face shields. Third, there were no tracking devices like the scriveners wore, so it was easier to get in. And fourth, Caz still knew some of the codes and passwords from her time with the organisation.

We had completed the first step: we were wearing M.E.R.C. uniforms. They were slightly rumpled, but they fit well enough. The helmets had some information on a display on the inside of them, but not too much. My guess was that the people in charge did not trust their foot soldiers with too much information, so unlike the movies I had seen, I could not look at Caz and know everything about her.

A few moments later we were hiding behind a small knoll near the base. The uniforms were surprisingly warm in the chilly night air. Our helmets were sitting on the ground beside us as we found them to be somewhat stifling. We were waiting for something, but I was not sure what. Caz had grown less communicative in the past hour, simply shushing me whenever I asked for the plan. I couldn’t imagine we would just walk through the front gate, even with our disguises.

A line of soldiers appeared, marching towards the front gate. “Right on time,” I heard Caz mutter. She grabbed her helmet and put it on. I followed suit. The soldiers passed uncomfortably near to where we were sitting, but none seemed to notice. As they passed, Caz moved silently until she was walking behind the last guy in line.

I hesitated for a moment and then shook my head before joining her. Maybe we would walk through the front gate after all.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 47

Severance Package

Straw snuck out of the house, hiding behind a tree. “Mrs. Henderson,” he called out softly.

No answer.

“Mrs. Hen-nnnn-der-rrrrrr-son,” he repeated, his voice carrying further this time.

No response.

“I think it’s safe,” he shouted to the house.

“Humph.” Thunderfunk stalked onto the front walk. “I’m sure she will return. Let us depart post haste. And fire the guard.”

“Let me guess. Out of a cannon?”

“Actually, I wanted you to terminate his employment. But I like your idea better.”

“But...” Straw watched his boss walk away. Shaking his head, he walked towards the guard’s booth. The good news for the guard was that technically he was going to keep his job.

Assuming he survived.