Fools of us All - Chapter 57

Caz

“Are you going to kill us?” whined the man Spin was tying up. The other man was still sprawled on the floor, dried blood on his head and face. His chest continued to rise and fall rhythmically, so I knew he was alive.

The room we were in had a bank of screens on the wall in front of a large control board. Spin had moved the chair away from the computer monitor he had shot as it was sparking dangerously. He finished tying the man’s legs and then shoved him into the chair.

“Shut up,” hissed the woman. I had tied her hands behind her and then tied her to a chair. She was the only one of the three who would be any trouble if she got free.

“But they might be one of the aliens, here to infiltrate us and kill everyone.” The panic in his voice made his words nearly unintelligible.

“Oh for heaven’s sake.” I turned to the woman. “Do you have to put up with this all the time?”

She turned her look of scorn from him to me. “He is an idiot, but at least I can trust him. Plus, he raises a good point.”

“So you really think,” I said, “that there are aliens attacking the space mines and on their way here?”

“That’s what is being said,” she replied.

I rolled my eyes. “There are no aliens. It’s a cover-up and you completely bought it.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said defiantly.

I shrugged. “Fine. Spin, would you turn on the vids?” I tried to maintain a cold stare at the woman, but after too long without any sound, I faced him. “Is there a problem?”

He was concentrating intensely on the console, reaching a finger forward every few seconds before pulling it back. “That’s…a lot of buttons,” he said.

“Help him,” I growled at the conscious man.

He slowly hopped over to console and stared down at it as well. “Try the blue button,” he finally muttered. Spin hit it, but nothing happened. “Huh,” said the captive. “Maybe it’s the yellow button, and then turn the dial beside it halfway.” Again nothing.

“When I worked the sound board at school, I would sometimes hit the big red button a few times to get things going.” He reached out and hit the biggest red button he could find. The lights in the room flicked on and off a few times.

“I wondered how the lights worked here,” said the captive. “Maybe those two green buttons at the same time?”

I couldn’t believe it. “What are you trying to pull?” I yelled. “Just get the vids running!”

He cowered against the console. “I’m sorry. I don’t usually run this board. I’m the audio com guy.”

“So who does run it?”

He looked at the unconscious man, and then back at me. I resisted the urge to rip off his eyebrows.

“What now?” asked Spin. He faced me and crossed his arms, leaning against the board. The video displays behind him sprang to life, emitting a cacophony of noise. The captive emitted a squeak and fell forward, hitting the ground with a thud. Spin spun around and stared at the board for a moment, finally turning a single knob which quieted the din. A few seconds later, he threw a series of switches before turning the knob again. This time there was only a single voice, matching with the picture in the top left hand corner.

“All he has to do is spin the wheel to a seven or a banana and he is through to the bonus lightning round, which today features actual lightning…” Spin flicked a switch, cutting the woman’s voice of.

“Wrong channel,” he said. Glancing at the bank of monitors again, he flipped another switch, pointing at the screen nearest him.

“…disturbing new evidence about the alleged alien invasion as recently described by President Nairu. It appears that a massive hoax has been perpetrated, leading everyone to believe that a danger existed where there was none…”

He switched to another screen. “The president was unavailable for comment when we contacted his office, but a statement was released, stating ‘We will be looking into these allegations.’ Understandably, people were not comforted by this lack of response…”

He continued to switch between stations, all of which said something similar, until I told him to cut them off

“What do you think now?” I asked.

The woman had lost her bravado. “Why would they do this?” She seemed to have withdrawn, almost asking herself and not us.

“Power,” I replied. “It is easier to control a scared populace than a curious and comfortable one. No one asks questions when they are scared. They just follow whatever they are told will make them safe.”

Sobbing came from the floor where the audio com man was laying. The woman was nearly catatonic from shock. We had done enough damage here. “Let’s go,” I said to Spin.

As we neared the main doors, they were ripped apart by a massive explosion. I was thrown back several feet, smashing against a wall with enough force to rattle my teeth. The last thing I saw before I was buried under the wall Spin laying near the room door, blood pouring from his head.

And then there was darkness.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken

Hidden Credits Scene

Thunderfunk the Superchicken looked around. Cornelius J Breadbuuter lay a few feet away, not moving. It was hard to say if he was dead or simply unconscious. It was hard to focus on any details in his surroundings. His gaze finally rested on his leg where a very determined cat had latched on, his jaws closed like vise grips.

Thunder sighed heavily. “I hate you.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 55

Epilogue

Straw stayed where he had seen Thunder disappear for a long time, unsure of what to do. Nothing happened for quite some time. The device rolled to a stop and sat, silent and foreboding. Mrs. Henderson wandered by, oblivious to the carnage around her, merely asking him if he had seen Mr Penticton. He got a funny look on his face then and merely shook his head. As she started to leave, Tom began to wake up. Thinking quickly, Straw asked her to take care of Tom until he was all better. She smiled and agreed, taking a confused Tom by the arm and leading him away. That was the last time Tom was ever seen, though Straw was sure he lived his days out very pampered.

“When you see Thunderfunk,” she said as she walked away, “tell him that I have a fresh batch of cookies waiting for him.”

Straw nodded absently and watched her walk past the device without a second glance. He reached into his pocket and hit a button on the small controller he was carrying. A compartment opened and spit out a vacuum. “Oh there it is,” he heard her say. She grabbed the vacuum and put it into Tom’s arms. “That nice neighbour of mine borrowed this ages ago. I suppose he finished using it.”

Wiping a single tear from his eye, Straw walked away. He didn’t know what he was going to do now, but he knew one thing. The world would never see anyone like Thunderfunk the Superchicken again.

Fools of us All - Chapter 56

Spin

I have watched many movies, and they never talk about the pain of having a gun pressed against the face. It hurts! I could feel the cold metal digging into my cheek, possibly cutting the skin. I was not particularly pleased with this arrangement.

“Come out of the room, slowly,” said the woman who was holding me hostage. She was the same one who had told us which room to use. I don’t know why she had suddenly attacked us, and I wasn’t sure that it mattered at this point. I just hoped she wasn’t prone to spasms, especially of the hands.

Caz scowled at me as she walked past, into the hallway. All I could do was shrug almost imperceptibly. I had been distracted by taking off my helmet and hadn’t noticed the woman sneaking up on me until she had the gun pressed against my face. I knew it was my fault.

We started walking down the hallway, heading back to the first room. She was now behind both of us, the gun pressed squarely against my back. Maybe she was afraid that she would miss if she kept it any further away.

“What are you going to do with us?” asked Caz, casually.

“Shut up,” replied the woman. For good measure, she jabbed me in the kidney.

“Okay,” said Caz with a shrug. I studied the back of her head intensely, wondering what she was thinking. And then it disappeared. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled out on the ground, my knee throbbing from where I had banged it on the floor, my ears ringing from the sound of the shot that had just missed my ear.

I glanced up at the woman and understanding hit me like a pie in the face. Caz had fallen, making it look like she tripped, causing me to stumble, and had used that distraction to attack the woman. Now they were struggling for control of the weapon.

Wanting to help, I started to rise, only to be distracted by a shout from the doorway of the only room with a light. A guy stepped out, his weapon already drawn. He was focussed on the ladies fighting and didn’t notice me at first. I used those brief seconds to decide that I was just close enough. With a yell I darted forward, hitting him squarely in the gut. His breath exited his body with a whoosh, and our momentum carried us into bank of computers. Sparks flew as he sank to the floor.

There was another man sitting at a computer terminal. I grabbed the downed man’s gun and fired a blast into the computer, leaving it a smoking crater. “You try anything, I may have to shoot you,” I said, trying to sound intimidating. It must have worked because he nodded and pushed his chair back.

I looked out into the hall and was happy to see Caz standing triumphantly over her foe. We had managed to turn the tables quite handily. Now if only there were a way to get out here.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 54

Victory, or Defeat?

Thunderfunk watched as Cornelius J. Breadbuuter charged toward him, his sword held high, a bloodcurdling scream making its way from his lips. He waited until the last possible second before yelling “NOW!” and ducking. A soft ‘phoomp’ sounded from the device and a shape flew over Thunderfunk’s head. He glanced up in time to see the clown land gracefully in front of Breadbuuter.

With blinding speed, the clown began his attack. He pulled out a balloon sword that popped against Breadbuuter’s sword, revealing a deadly blade within. The clown leapt around, landing a few kicks with his giant feet. The two continued a furious battle, each one scoring a glancing blow with the sword.

While attempting a high kick, Breadbuuter slipped on the muddy ground. He fell on his back, his sword flying from his hand. The clown smiled and raised his sword. Suddenly he crossed his eyes and fell woozily to the ground. Tom’s puppet spit out the frying pan it was holding in its mouth and turned slowly to gaze at Thunderfunk. For a moment, nothing moved.

Thunder stopped, now standing only a few feet away from his archnemesis who was regaining his feet. The two stood, staring at each other for a long time. “So this is it,” said Thunder quietly.

“I suppose it is,” replied Breadbuuter.

Straw slammed the automatic pilot button on his console and raced out of the room. There was no way that he was letting Thunder face Breadbuuter and Tom on his own. By the time he reached the battleground, he could see the battle was already going on, and Thunder was on the defensive, being driven back step by step.

As he was running, Straw stumbled over something, falling heavily to the ground. As he rose to his feet, he glanced at what tripped him, smiling devilishly when he saw what it was.

Thunder stepped back again, dodging another blow. This could not last for long. Suddenly he heard a voice. “Tom!” it yelled. Everyone stopped and glanced over. A pair of popping sounds was followed by loud chittering noises that grew louder. Thunder smiled as the first squirrel flew by, snagging Tom’s puppet as it did. Before he had a chance to react, a second squirrel landed squarely on his head, biting and clawing furiously.

Noticing his foe’s distraction, Thunder stepped forward and landed a devastating blow on Breadbuuter’s chin, sending him flying. And then there was no more time to think. The final battle was on.

Straw tossed the gun aside and charged at Tom, tackling him hard. The two of them began to trade blows. A quick series of punches was followed by a flurry of kicks, but most of them were blocked by Tom. He grabbed Straw and tossed him, following up with his own blows, just missing crushing Straw’s skull by inches. The two of them continued to fight, not finding time for words, just trying to land a killing blow.

Meanwhile, Cornelius J. Breadbuuter and Thunderfunk the Superchicken were out for blood. They both ignored any opportunity for taunts and insults in favour of brutal combat. Breadbuuter tried to regain his sword, but was savagely punched by the giant chicken. They turned on each other, fighting up close and personal, and dirty. They were not above using any cheap trick that they could think of to gain an upper hand. Breadbuuter bit Thunder while the chicken tried to hit him in a very tender area. Soon the two of them were battered and bruised, blood flowing freely from a series of cuts. Thunder, down on one knee for a moment, spared a glance at his protege, noting with a grimace that Straw seemed to be facing a losing battle.

Putting one wing on the ground to push himself to his feet, a stab of pain shot up his arm. Yelling furiously, he shook his hand, glaring at the turtle clinging furiously there. “Louie!” he screamed. “You are so fired.” He shook his hand again and dislodged the poor reptile, sending him flying through the air, that self-satisfied smirk on his face once again.

Straw stumbled and fell, screaming with pain as Tom scored a hard blow on his shoulder. Light danced before his eyes and he prepared himself for the killing blow. Instead, all Tom said was ‘Thud’ and then ‘ow. Hey quit it.” Blinking rapidly, Straw cleared his vision and saw Tom dancing around, a turtle clinging furiously onto his finger. A large welt was growing on his head.

“Way to go Louie,” muttered Straw. He jumped to his feet and using the momentary distraction, he leapt forward, levelling Tom with a bonecrushing tackle, doing his dead-level best to drive his shoulder through Tom’s sternum. With a whoosh, all of the air left Tom’s lungs. They landed hard and rolled a few times, Straw landing on top. Tom groaned weakly. Making a fist, Straw glared at his foe. “I’d like you to meet my sock puppet.” His fist flew forward and socked Tom in the face, knocking him cold. Straw smiled, glad he could use a pun in such an effective manner.

Rising gingerly to his feet, he looked to see where Thunder was. The two had moved their battle a long ways away. Moving as fast as he could, Straw began to run.

“You can’t defeat me,” growled Thunder. He landed another haymaker, feeling the jolt of the punch all the way up his arm. “I am the best.”

Cornelius flew threw the air and landed hard, but he got to his feet quickly. “You were nothing before I found you,” he said, spitting out blood and teeth. “You owe everything to me.”

“I owe you nothing,” spat Thunder, swinging wildly. He missed and Breadbuuter was quick to take advantage, landing a series of punches that sent Thunder stumbling back several feet before falling.

“You think you can win,” said Breadbuuter, reaching down. He opened a hidden hatch and pulled out a conveniently placed handheld missile launcher. “But you should have chosen your battleground more wisely.” He levelled the launcher and squeezed the trigger.

Straw skidded to a halt as soon as he saw the missile launcher. He was too far away to do anything. He watched in horror as it all played out. Thunder, in desperation, reached down and scooped up a handful of dirt, throwing it in Breadbuuter’s face just as he squeezed the trigger. He threw his hands up, throwing the missile off target. It flew almost straight up about fifty feet before it was blown out of the air by the device’s anti-missile laser. A fireball began to expand in every direction as Thunderfunk and Cornelius charged at each other, screaming loudly enough to be heard over the roar of the explosion. They slammed into each other at full force just as the fireball reached them. The last thing that Straw saw before covering his eyes was a small cat leaping onto Straw’s back, an odd look of satisfaction on its face.

When the fireball disappeared, Straw rubbed his eyes and looked, but there was nothing to be seen. Thunderfunk the Superchicken was gone.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 53

Penultimate

The first thing that Cornelius J. Breadbuuter saw when he reached his secret command centre was the flashing lights. A dim red light was shining steadily, its colour being broken up by the blinking green and yellow lights across the panel. He sat in his chair and started throwing switches and hitting buttons. He called up his various cameras that were set up across his estate. It was the fourth camera that showed him what he was afraid to see.

Rising up from under Thunderfunk the Superchicken’s grounds was a giant machine, its outside bristling with frightening looking weapons. The device was even more frightening than he had imagined. Before it even had a chance to fully rise to ground level, he fired every missile he had left. They flew with the speed of a thought.

As they neared their target, they began to explode, turning the sky into a medley of reds and oranges, light covered in smoke. Not a single missile made its intended destination. “He must have some sort of laser grid defence!” Breadbuuter was not pleased.

Suddenly a klaxon sounded, blaring from a speaker in the wall, set a little to close to the chair he was using. He looked at his radar, and a hundred points of light seemed to leap from the device. Without thinking he reached over and slapped his automatic defences. The entire room vibrated slightly as each missile exploded, but he was too far down to be hurt and the missiles all blew up too far away to do any real damage. The first round was a draw, but he knew the fight was not over.

One of his screens began to flicker, which was odd. Perhaps an explosion had gotten closer than he thought...


“First squirrel is away,” said Thunder into his radio. He pointed his squirrel gun another direction and fired again. In quick succession he fired six more squirrels over the fence where they scurried to find any wire they could and chew on it.

“Roger that,” replied Straw. He was sitting in the lair, guiding the device by remote control. It slowly began to rumble across the grass, firing off mortar rounds as it did. Breadbuuter’s guards began running from where they had been, firing their weapons. Thunderfunk responded at the same time as the device. Squirrels began raining out, leaping onto the guards, biting and scratching. At the same time, the device fired out dozens of turtles at the guards. The hard shells bounced off of the guards, knocking many unconscious. Once the turtles had landed, they would find the nearest person they could and begin biting, latching on with their powerful and sharp beaks. Many guards fell to these vicious creatures.

Thunderfunk ran forward, firing another squirrel, knocking a guard out cold. Suddenly something clamped onto his leg. He cried out with pain and reached down, grabbing the offending creature and ripping it off. He glared at the turtle menacingly. “Louie!” he cried. “You are so not getting a Christmas bonus this year. Now go do something useful.” Rearing back, he threw the turtle at an approaching guard, catching him right on the chin. If he had not known better, he would think that the turtle had been smiling. But that, clearly, was ridiculous.

A hole appeared in the fence near him, a victim of the mortar rounds. More guards poured through the holes. “Fire the soap,” yelled Thunder.

“Will do,” replied Straw. As the device continued to move forward, a spout popped out and suddenly a stream of soapy water came spewing forth into the path of the guards. Unable to stop their momentum, they slipped and fell heavily where they were quickly handled by the turtles, squirrels, and spaghetti. Tomato sauce and meatballs soon followed.

“Was that really necessary?” asked Thunder, pausing to admire the mess.

“I’ve never been clear what the spaghetti was for,” replied Straw. “I figured this was as good a time as any to use it.”

“Fair enough,” replied Thunder. “It is time for the ping pong balls,” he said. He counted to ten and then sprinted for the hole, hoping that all of the guards were gone, as it appeared.

A hail of hockey pucks began to fly over his head. Normally, the ping pong balls would create a cloud of cover that would allow him to sneak onto the grounds unobserved. Hopefully the pucks were going to do the same.


Cornelius sat in his chair, devastated. His defences were overwhelmed. His fence was destroyed by the mortar rounds, as were his lava crocodile pit and his escape vehicles. The grounds and house had taken heavy damage as well. And now there were hockey pucks flying around as well. As he watched, he saw his last remaining guard take a puck right to the face. He made a mental note to schedule that man for a dental appointment. Suddenly some movement caught his eye. It was hard to make out, but it looked like Thunderfunk was sneaking onto the grounds. With a roar of anger, Breadbuuter leapt to his feet and grabbed his sword. It was time to finish this.

Fools of us All - Chapter 55

Caz

“Don’t get used to this,” I muttered as the door swung shut behind us. The building was dark inside, the only illumination coming from some open doors. A low murmur of voices could be heard throughout. “We need to find an empty room,” I whispered. We crept down the hall to the first room. I peeked around the corner for a split second. Turning to Spin, I leaned forward. “There are people in here without helmets,” I whispered. “Give me my gun back and act like we are here on business.” I grabbed the weapon he held out and holstered it, indicating he should do the same. “And give me the papers.” Once I had them, I turned and walked briskly into the room, studying the papers as I did.

“Excuse me,” came a voice. I looked up, acting surprised to see anyone there. “Can I help you?” asked a stern looking woman.

“Sorry,” I said, trying to look confused. “I was told that the first room on the left would be empty and I could use it. I have some work to do,” I finished vaguely, indicating my papers.

The woman relaxed. “Amazing how poorly the communication department communicates, isn’t it,” she said with a tired grin. “The room at the end of the hall should be free,” she continued after checking a paper in her hand. “Try not to be too long.”

I nodded politely and left the room, trying not to run. I nodded at Spin who followed without saying a word. We got to the empty room and I sat down. “Stand guard,” I said as I began to turn on machines. As everything began to hum, I glanced through the papers, feeling sick as I did. These papers proved what I had feared. There were no aliens. The supposed attacks had been faked in an effort to scare people into giving more power to the military, leading to fewer rights and freedoms. This was nothing but a power play.

Fortunately, the news was still willing to print anything that was sensational, and this would be the most sensational thing they had ever seen. As soon as the computers I needed were running, I scanned the pages as fast as I could. Within minutes, the entire contents of the papers were sent to every news agency I could think of. The truth would be told.

“You ready to go,” I said to Spin as I shut the machines down again.

“I think I want to stay,” he replied, a slight quaver in his voice.

“Why would you want to do that?” I asked as I turned around.

“Because the woman with the gun against my face asked me to.”

I sighed and tossed her my gun, raising my eyebrows at Spin, who could only shrug and look apologetic.