Grasp The Nettle

Fools of us All - Chapter 57

2010-01-31T23:13:00.000-08:00

Caz

“Are you going to kill us?” whined the man Spin was tying up. The other man was still sprawled on the floor, dried blood on his head and face. His chest continued to rise and fall rhythmically, so I knew he was alive.

The room we were in had a bank of screens on the wall in front of a large control board. Spin had moved the chair away from the computer monitor he had shot as it was sparking dangerously. He finished tying the man’s legs and then shoved him into the chair.

“Shut up,” hissed the woman. I had tied her hands behind her and then tied her to a chair. She was the only one of the three who would be any trouble if she got free.

“But they might be one of the aliens, here to infiltrate us and kill everyone.” The panic in his voice made his words nearly unintelligible.

“Oh for heaven’s sake.” I turned to the woman. “Do you have to put up with this all the time?”

She turned her look of scorn from him to me. “He is an idiot, but at least I can trust him. Plus, he raises a good point.”

“So you really think,” I said, “that there are aliens attacking the space mines and on their way here?”

“That’s what is being said,” she replied.

I rolled my eyes. “There are no aliens. It’s a cover-up and you completely bought it.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said defiantly.

I shrugged. “Fine. Spin, would you turn on the vids?” I tried to maintain a cold stare at the woman, but after too long without any sound, I faced him. “Is there a problem?”

He was concentrating intensely on the console, reaching a finger forward every few seconds before pulling it back. “That’s…a lot of buttons,” he said.

“Help him,” I growled at the conscious man.

He slowly hopped over to console and stared down at it as well. “Try the blue button,” he finally muttered. Spin hit it, but nothing happened. “Huh,” said the captive. “Maybe it’s the yellow button, and then turn the dial beside it halfway.” Again nothing.

“When I worked the sound board at school, I would sometimes hit the big red button a few times to get things going.” He reached out and hit the biggest red button he could find. The lights in the room flicked on and off a few times.

“I wondered how the lights worked here,” said the captive. “Maybe those two green buttons at the same time?”

I couldn’t believe it. “What are you trying to pull?” I yelled. “Just get the vids running!”

He cowered against the console. “I’m sorry. I don’t usually run this board. I’m the audio com guy.”

“So who does run it?”

He looked at the unconscious man, and then back at me. I resisted the urge to rip off his eyebrows.

“What now?” asked Spin. He faced me and crossed his arms, leaning against the board. The video displays behind him sprang to life, emitting a cacophony of noise. The captive emitted a squeak and fell forward, hitting the ground with a thud. Spin spun around and stared at the board for a moment, finally turning a single knob which quieted the din. A few seconds later, he threw a series of switches before turning the knob again. This time there was only a single voice, matching with the picture in the top left hand corner.

“All he has to do is spin the wheel to a seven or a banana and he is through to the bonus lightning round, which today features actual lightning…” Spin flicked a switch, cutting the woman’s voice of.

“Wrong channel,” he said. Glancing at the bank of monitors again, he flipped another switch, pointing at the screen nearest him.

“…disturbing new evidence about the alleged alien invasion as recently described by President Nairu. It appears that a massive hoax has been perpetrated, leading everyone to believe that a danger existed where there was none…”

He switched to another screen. “The president was unavailable for comment when we contacted his office, but a statement was released, stating ‘We will be looking into these allegations.’ Understandably, people were not comforted by this lack of response…”

He continued to switch between stations, all of which said something similar, until I told him to cut them off

“What do you think now?” I asked.

The woman had lost her bravado. “Why would they do this?” She seemed to have withdrawn, almost asking herself and not us.

“Power,” I replied. “It is easier to control a scared populace than a curious and comfortable one. No one asks questions when they are scared. They just follow whatever they are told will make them safe.”

Sobbing came from the floor where the audio com man was laying. The woman was nearly catatonic from shock. We had done enough damage here. “Let’s go,” I said to Spin.

As we neared the main doors, they were ripped apart by a massive explosion. I was thrown back several feet, smashing against a wall with enough force to rattle my teeth. The last thing I saw before I was buried under the wall Spin laying near the room door, blood pouring from his head.

And then there was darkness.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken

2010-01-14T23:29:00.000-08:00

Hidden Credits Scene

Thunderfunk the Superchicken looked around. Cornelius J Breadbuuter lay a few feet away, not moving. It was hard to say if he was dead or simply unconscious. It was hard to focus on any details in his surroundings. His gaze finally rested on his leg where a very determined cat had latched on, his jaws closed like vise grips.

Thunder sighed heavily. “I hate you.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 55

2010-01-06T23:32:00.000-08:00

Epilogue

Straw stayed where he had seen Thunder disappear for a long time, unsure of what to do. Nothing happened for quite some time. The device rolled to a stop and sat, silent and foreboding. Mrs. Henderson wandered by, oblivious to the carnage around her, merely asking him if he had seen Mr Penticton. He got a funny look on his face then and merely shook his head. As she started to leave, Tom began to wake up. Thinking quickly, Straw asked her to take care of Tom until he was all better. She smiled and agreed, taking a confused Tom by the arm and leading him away. That was the last time Tom was ever seen, though Straw was sure he lived his days out very pampered.

“When you see Thunderfunk,” she said as she walked away, “tell him that I have a fresh batch of cookies waiting for him.”

Straw nodded absently and watched her walk past the device without a second glance. He reached into his pocket and hit a button on the small controller he was carrying. A compartment opened and spit out a vacuum. “Oh there it is,” he heard her say. She grabbed the vacuum and put it into Tom’s arms. “That nice neighbour of mine borrowed this ages ago. I suppose he finished using it.”

Wiping a single tear from his eye, Straw walked away. He didn’t know what he was going to do now, but he knew one thing. The world would never see anyone like Thunderfunk the Superchicken again.

Fools of us All - Chapter 56

2010-01-04T22:46:00.000-08:00

Spin

I have watched many movies, and they never talk about the pain of having a gun pressed against the face. It hurts! I could feel the cold metal digging into my cheek, possibly cutting the skin. I was not particularly pleased with this arrangement.

“Come out of the room, slowly,” said the woman who was holding me hostage. She was the same one who had told us which room to use. I don’t know why she had suddenly attacked us, and I wasn’t sure that it mattered at this point. I just hoped she wasn’t prone to spasms, especially of the hands.

Caz scowled at me as she walked past, into the hallway. All I could do was shrug almost imperceptibly. I had been distracted by taking off my helmet and hadn’t noticed the woman sneaking up on me until she had the gun pressed against my face. I knew it was my fault.

We started walking down the hallway, heading back to the first room. She was now behind both of us, the gun pressed squarely against my back. Maybe she was afraid that she would miss if she kept it any further away.

“What are you going to do with us?” asked Caz, casually.

“Shut up,” replied the woman. For good measure, she jabbed me in the kidney.

“Okay,” said Caz with a shrug. I studied the back of her head intensely, wondering what she was thinking. And then it disappeared. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled out on the ground, my knee throbbing from where I had banged it on the floor, my ears ringing from the sound of the shot that had just missed my ear.

I glanced up at the woman and understanding hit me like a pie in the face. Caz had fallen, making it look like she tripped, causing me to stumble, and had used that distraction to attack the woman. Now they were struggling for control of the weapon.

Wanting to help, I started to rise, only to be distracted by a shout from the doorway of the only room with a light. A guy stepped out, his weapon already drawn. He was focussed on the ladies fighting and didn’t notice me at first. I used those brief seconds to decide that I was just close enough. With a yell I darted forward, hitting him squarely in the gut. His breath exited his body with a whoosh, and our momentum carried us into bank of computers. Sparks flew as he sank to the floor.

There was another man sitting at a computer terminal. I grabbed the downed man’s gun and fired a blast into the computer, leaving it a smoking crater. “You try anything, I may have to shoot you,” I said, trying to sound intimidating. It must have worked because he nodded and pushed his chair back.

I looked out into the hall and was happy to see Caz standing triumphantly over her foe. We had managed to turn the tables quite handily. Now if only there were a way to get out here.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 54

2009-12-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

Victory, or Defeat?

Thunderfunk watched as Cornelius J. Breadbuuter charged toward him, his sword held high, a bloodcurdling scream making its way from his lips. He waited until the last possible second before yelling “NOW!” and ducking. A soft ‘phoomp’ sounded from the device and a shape flew over Thunderfunk’s head. He glanced up in time to see the clown land gracefully in front of Breadbuuter.

With blinding speed, the clown began his attack. He pulled out a balloon sword that popped against Breadbuuter’s sword, revealing a deadly blade within. The clown leapt around, landing a few kicks with his giant feet. The two continued a furious battle, each one scoring a glancing blow with the sword.

While attempting a high kick, Breadbuuter slipped on the muddy ground. He fell on his back, his sword flying from his hand. The clown smiled and raised his sword. Suddenly he crossed his eyes and fell woozily to the ground. Tom’s puppet spit out the frying pan it was holding in its mouth and turned slowly to gaze at Thunderfunk. For a moment, nothing moved.

Thunder stopped, now standing only a few feet away from his archnemesis who was regaining his feet. The two stood, staring at each other for a long time. “So this is it,” said Thunder quietly.

“I suppose it is,” replied Breadbuuter.

Straw slammed the automatic pilot button on his console and raced out of the room. There was no way that he was letting Thunder face Breadbuuter and Tom on his own. By the time he reached the battleground, he could see the battle was already going on, and Thunder was on the defensive, being driven back step by step.

As he was running, Straw stumbled over something, falling heavily to the ground. As he rose to his feet, he glanced at what tripped him, smiling devilishly when he saw what it was.

Thunder stepped back again, dodging another blow. This could not last for long. Suddenly he heard a voice. “Tom!” it yelled. Everyone stopped and glanced over. A pair of popping sounds was followed by loud chittering noises that grew louder. Thunder smiled as the first squirrel flew by, snagging Tom’s puppet as it did. Before he had a chance to react, a second squirrel landed squarely on his head, biting and clawing furiously.

Noticing his foe’s distraction, Thunder stepped forward and landed a devastating blow on Breadbuuter’s chin, sending him flying. And then there was no more time to think. The final battle was on.

Straw tossed the gun aside and charged at Tom, tackling him hard. The two of them began to trade blows. A quick series of punches was followed by a flurry of kicks, but most of them were blocked by Tom. He grabbed Straw and tossed him, following up with his own blows, just missing crushing Straw’s skull by inches. The two of them continued to fight, not finding time for words, just trying to land a killing blow.

Meanwhile, Cornelius J. Breadbuuter and Thunderfunk the Superchicken were out for blood. They both ignored any opportunity for taunts and insults in favour of brutal combat. Breadbuuter tried to regain his sword, but was savagely punched by the giant chicken. They turned on each other, fighting up close and personal, and dirty. They were not above using any cheap trick that they could think of to gain an upper hand. Breadbuuter bit Thunder while the chicken tried to hit him in a very tender area. Soon the two of them were battered and bruised, blood flowing freely from a series of cuts. Thunder, down on one knee for a moment, spared a glance at his protege, noting with a grimace that Straw seemed to be facing a losing battle.

Putting one wing on the ground to push himself to his feet, a stab of pain shot up his arm. Yelling furiously, he shook his hand, glaring at the turtle clinging furiously there. “Louie!” he screamed. “You are so fired.” He shook his hand again and dislodged the poor reptile, sending him flying through the air, that self-satisfied smirk on his face once again.

Straw stumbled and fell, screaming with pain as Tom scored a hard blow on his shoulder. Light danced before his eyes and he prepared himself for the killing blow. Instead, all Tom said was ‘Thud’ and then ‘ow. Hey quit it.” Blinking rapidly, Straw cleared his vision and saw Tom dancing around, a turtle clinging furiously onto his finger. A large welt was growing on his head.

“Way to go Louie,” muttered Straw. He jumped to his feet and using the momentary distraction, he leapt forward, levelling Tom with a bonecrushing tackle, doing his dead-level best to drive his shoulder through Tom’s sternum. With a whoosh, all of the air left Tom’s lungs. They landed hard and rolled a few times, Straw landing on top. Tom groaned weakly. Making a fist, Straw glared at his foe. “I’d like you to meet my sock puppet.” His fist flew forward and socked Tom in the face, knocking him cold. Straw smiled, glad he could use a pun in such an effective manner.

Rising gingerly to his feet, he looked to see where Thunder was. The two had moved their battle a long ways away. Moving as fast as he could, Straw began to run.

“You can’t defeat me,” growled Thunder. He landed another haymaker, feeling the jolt of the punch all the way up his arm. “I am the best.”

Cornelius flew threw the air and landed hard, but he got to his feet quickly. “You were nothing before I found you,” he said, spitting out blood and teeth. “You owe everything to me.”

“I owe you nothing,” spat Thunder, swinging wildly. He missed and Breadbuuter was quick to take advantage, landing a series of punches that sent Thunder stumbling back several feet before falling.

“You think you can win,” said Breadbuuter, reaching down. He opened a hidden hatch and pulled out a conveniently placed handheld missile launcher. “But you should have chosen your battleground more wisely.” He levelled the launcher and squeezed the trigger.

Straw skidded to a halt as soon as he saw the missile launcher. He was too far away to do anything. He watched in horror as it all played out. Thunder, in desperation, reached down and scooped up a handful of dirt, throwing it in Breadbuuter’s face just as he squeezed the trigger. He threw his hands up, throwing the missile off target. It flew almost straight up about fifty feet before it was blown out of the air by the device’s anti-missile laser. A fireball began to expand in every direction as Thunderfunk and Cornelius charged at each other, screaming loudly enough to be heard over the roar of the explosion. They slammed into each other at full force just as the fireball reached them. The last thing that Straw saw before covering his eyes was a small cat leaping onto Straw’s back, an odd look of satisfaction on its face.

When the fireball disappeared, Straw rubbed his eyes and looked, but there was nothing to be seen. Thunderfunk the Superchicken was gone.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 53

2009-12-10T22:11:00.000-08:00

Penultimate

The first thing that Cornelius J. Breadbuuter saw when he reached his secret command centre was the flashing lights. A dim red light was shining steadily, its colour being broken up by the blinking green and yellow lights across the panel. He sat in his chair and started throwing switches and hitting buttons. He called up his various cameras that were set up across his estate. It was the fourth camera that showed him what he was afraid to see.

Rising up from under Thunderfunk the Superchicken’s grounds was a giant machine, its outside bristling with frightening looking weapons. The device was even more frightening than he had imagined. Before it even had a chance to fully rise to ground level, he fired every missile he had left. They flew with the speed of a thought.

As they neared their target, they began to explode, turning the sky into a medley of reds and oranges, light covered in smoke. Not a single missile made its intended destination. “He must have some sort of laser grid defence!” Breadbuuter was not pleased.

Suddenly a klaxon sounded, blaring from a speaker in the wall, set a little to close to the chair he was using. He looked at his radar, and a hundred points of light seemed to leap from the device. Without thinking he reached over and slapped his automatic defences. The entire room vibrated slightly as each missile exploded, but he was too far down to be hurt and the missiles all blew up too far away to do any real damage. The first round was a draw, but he knew the fight was not over.

One of his screens began to flicker, which was odd. Perhaps an explosion had gotten closer than he thought...

“First squirrel is away,” said Thunder into his radio. He pointed his squirrel gun another direction and fired again. In quick succession he fired six more squirrels over the fence where they scurried to find any wire they could and chew on it.

“Roger that,” replied Straw. He was sitting in the lair, guiding the device by remote control. It slowly began to rumble across the grass, firing off mortar rounds as it did. Breadbuuter’s guards began running from where they had been, firing their weapons. Thunderfunk responded at the same time as the device. Squirrels began raining out, leaping onto the guards, biting and scratching. At the same time, the device fired out dozens of turtles at the guards. The hard shells bounced off of the guards, knocking many unconscious. Once the turtles had landed, they would find the nearest person they could and begin biting, latching on with their powerful and sharp beaks. Many guards fell to these vicious creatures.

Thunderfunk ran forward, firing another squirrel, knocking a guard out cold. Suddenly something clamped onto his leg. He cried out with pain and reached down, grabbing the offending creature and ripping it off. He glared at the turtle menacingly. “Louie!” he cried. “You are so not getting a Christmas bonus this year. Now go do something useful.” Rearing back, he threw the turtle at an approaching guard, catching him right on the chin. If he had not known better, he would think that the turtle had been smiling. But that, clearly, was ridiculous.

A hole appeared in the fence near him, a victim of the mortar rounds. More guards poured through the holes. “Fire the soap,” yelled Thunder.

“Will do,” replied Straw. As the device continued to move forward, a spout popped out and suddenly a stream of soapy water came spewing forth into the path of the guards. Unable to stop their momentum, they slipped and fell heavily where they were quickly handled by the turtles, squirrels, and spaghetti. Tomato sauce and meatballs soon followed.

“Was that really necessary?” asked Thunder, pausing to admire the mess.

“I’ve never been clear what the spaghetti was for,” replied Straw. “I figured this was as good a time as any to use it.”

“Fair enough,” replied Thunder. “It is time for the ping pong balls,” he said. He counted to ten and then sprinted for the hole, hoping that all of the guards were gone, as it appeared.

A hail of hockey pucks began to fly over his head. Normally, the ping pong balls would create a cloud of cover that would allow him to sneak onto the grounds unobserved. Hopefully the pucks were going to do the same.

Cornelius sat in his chair, devastated. His defences were overwhelmed. His fence was destroyed by the mortar rounds, as were his lava crocodile pit and his escape vehicles. The grounds and house had taken heavy damage as well. And now there were hockey pucks flying around as well. As he watched, he saw his last remaining guard take a puck right to the face. He made a mental note to schedule that man for a dental appointment. Suddenly some movement caught his eye. It was hard to make out, but it looked like Thunderfunk was sneaking onto the grounds. With a roar of anger, Breadbuuter leapt to his feet and grabbed his sword. It was time to finish this.

Fools of us All - Chapter 55

2009-12-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

Caz

“Don’t get used to this,” I muttered as the door swung shut behind us. The building was dark inside, the only illumination coming from some open doors. A low murmur of voices could be heard throughout. “We need to find an empty room,” I whispered. We crept down the hall to the first room. I peeked around the corner for a split second. Turning to Spin, I leaned forward. “There are people in here without helmets,” I whispered. “Give me my gun back and act like we are here on business.” I grabbed the weapon he held out and holstered it, indicating he should do the same. “And give me the papers.” Once I had them, I turned and walked briskly into the room, studying the papers as I did.

“Excuse me,” came a voice. I looked up, acting surprised to see anyone there. “Can I help you?” asked a stern looking woman.

“Sorry,” I said, trying to look confused. “I was told that the first room on the left would be empty and I could use it. I have some work to do,” I finished vaguely, indicating my papers.

The woman relaxed. “Amazing how poorly the communication department communicates, isn’t it,” she said with a tired grin. “The room at the end of the hall should be free,” she continued after checking a paper in her hand. “Try not to be too long.”

I nodded politely and left the room, trying not to run. I nodded at Spin who followed without saying a word. We got to the empty room and I sat down. “Stand guard,” I said as I began to turn on machines. As everything began to hum, I glanced through the papers, feeling sick as I did. These papers proved what I had feared. There were no aliens. The supposed attacks had been faked in an effort to scare people into giving more power to the military, leading to fewer rights and freedoms. This was nothing but a power play.

Fortunately, the news was still willing to print anything that was sensational, and this would be the most sensational thing they had ever seen. As soon as the computers I needed were running, I scanned the pages as fast as I could. Within minutes, the entire contents of the papers were sent to every news agency I could think of. The truth would be told.

“You ready to go,” I said to Spin as I shut the machines down again.

“I think I want to stay,” he replied, a slight quaver in his voice.

“Why would you want to do that?” I asked as I turned around.

“Because the woman with the gun against my face asked me to.”

I sighed and tossed her my gun, raising my eyebrows at Spin, who could only shrug and look apologetic.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 52

2009-12-03T22:51:00.000-08:00

Fair Warning

Cornelius J. Breadbuuter settled back in his chair, brooding. A fire crackled in the fireplace, warming his toes. A snifter of brandy was perched on the table near his elbow, its contents half emptied already. Light was cast from the fire, creating flickering shadows that danced to music only they could hear. The scene was calm and peaceful, as relaxing an evening as one could wish for, and Breadbuuter hated it.

For two weeks, Thunderfunk the Superchicken had sent a constant barrage of attacks as the evil genius tried to gain access into his home. And then they had stopped. It had been six days now, and there had been nary a peep from his adversary. In all of the years that they had fought with and against each other, this was the longest he had ever seen the giant chicken go without some sort of plan or scheme. Something was wrong and Breadbuuter was worried.

Reaching out carefully, he grabbed his brandy, raising it to his lips for a bracing sip of the drink. Instead, he splashed the entire contents all over his face when the phone’s shrill ring cut through the silence. Grabbing a kerchief, he dabbed at the spilled liquid ineffectually. It was quite likely that his smoking jacket was ruined. Wiping his face, he poured himself another drink, downing it in a single gulp. Pouring another, he splashed it in his face again when Tom appeared at his side. “What do you want?” spluttered Breadbuuter, keeping a wary eye on Tom’s puppet, which was looking a little tattered.

“The phone is for you sir,” said Tom before bowing slightly and backing out of the room. The puppet never stopped staring.

Unnerved, Breadbuuter regarded the nearly empty bottle of brandy for a moment before replacing it on the table. Why risk a third time, he figured. Taking a deep, calming breath instead, he answered the phone. “This is Breadbuuter,” he said authoritatively.

“You’ve had your chance,” came a calm voice. “Now face the device.” The line went dead.

Breadbuuter looked at the phone for a long moment, his face growing pale. With a shaking hand he took up the brandy bottle and drained it down to the last dregs. He sighed contentedly before tearing out of the room to his command centre. It was time to fight!

Fools of us All - Chapter 54

2009-11-30T20:58:00.000-08:00

Spin

Caz grabbed my arm and began tugging, her short hair swaying in the cool breeze. “What?” I asked. “Shouldn’t we act cool, like we belong here?”

Her eyes narrowed and she began to run. Something was odd about that. I reached up to rub my face, running my hand along my helmet. “Aw crap,” I muttered. I was wearing my helmet, but she wasn’t wearing hers, or carrying it, which meant that someone was going to find it and we would be caught soon if we didn’t leave now. I tucked the papers we had just stolen into my shirt and began running after Caz.

We had only travelled a few feet when an alarm began to sound. In a way, it was a blessing because it meant everyone started running around the base, so we didn’t look too out of place. Unfortunately, the base quickly entered a lockdown, so there was no way to exit. I caught up to Caz who was now hiding behind a shed. “What do we do?” I asked.

She looked around frantically, her lips pressed together until they were just a thin line on her face. Suddenly her eyes lit up and she focussed on something behind me. I turned around, hoping to see an easy exit. Instead I saw a large building with a giant satellite dish on top. My heart sank. “That’s not a television satellite, is it?” I whispered.

She shook her head, starting forward.

“We’re going to break in there and transmit the contents of these papers, aren’t we?”

She nodded, throwing a grim smile at me over her shoulder. “You’re starting to pick up on things faster,” she said as she broke into a jog.

“Lucky me,” I muttered, following her.

We ran for a moment, trying to stay somewhat hidden. There was still frantic activity going on all around us and we were ignored, but I knew that wouldn’t last. “You’re too conspicuous without your helmet,” I said. “If anyone looks for even a second, we are both toast.”

“I know, but we don’t have any alternative.”

I smiled, even though she couldn’t see it. “Sure we do. Give me your gun.”

“Why?”

“You’re my prisoner. I was told to meet the general at the communications building once I had captured you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” she said. “Why would the general meet you there?”

“I don’t know. But this is the army. I don’t have to know, I just have to do what the general says to do, even if it doesn’t make sense. Do you want to question the general’s orders?”

She didn’t look completely convinced, but she handed me her weapon. “It’s the best option we have,” she said. We continued towards the building, but now I was behind her, my gun pointed at her, and we were walking briskly instead of running. I was glad that the helmet covered my face because there was no way I was keeping a straight face if we were confronted. I could only hope that my voice stayed steady.

We neared the building without being stopped. I saw a couple soldiers notice us, but the ruse seemed to work. I think I may have had a higher ranking uniform, because at least one of them looked like they wanted to say something but hesitated when he saw my uniform.

As we reached the door, a guard stopped us. “You can’t go in there.” He didn’t point his weapon at us, but he moved it slightly, getting it ready to shoot us if needed.

I took a deep breath and plunged ahead with the plan. “I have orders to bring this prisoner here to meet the general.” Good, my voice sounded somewhat steady.

“Why here. Sir.” That confirmed it. My rank was higher than a private, thank goodness.

“I have no idea, son,” I said, trying to sound somewhat exasperated. “When I get an order, I usually don’t ask too many questions. Leads to things like court martials and discharges and, once, a firing squad.” Caz threw a scowl at me that I chose to ignore.

The guard said nothing for a long moment, obviously torn about what to do.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” I said, beginning to turn away. “When the general arrives, would you mind telling him why we weren’t able to meet him like he ordered?” I emphasised the last word slightly.

“Sorry sir, go right in,” said the guard with a nervous squeak.

“Thank you.” I returned the salute he threw me and walked through the door he held open for
me. I could get used to this.

Fools of us All - Chapter 53

2009-10-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

CAZ

We found ourselves in a small space, roughly the size of a closet. I shut the hidden door behind us and we were plunged into darkness. The only light came from a small peephole set in the wall in front of us. I squeezed past Spin to take a look.

“What do you see?” hissed Spin in my ear.

“It looks like a spare bedroom,” I replied. A bed was in the corner, made with military precision, the corners tucked in so tight you could trap a person beneath the sheets. A small desk with a lamp was near the bed. One wall was lined with bookshelves. The light was off in the room, but the door was open, giving me a view of the room beyond. I could see the edge of the general’s desk, and his elbow resting on it. His aide was standing at the window, looking out into the night. He was stroking his chin with one hand, an intense look of concentration on his face. I could hear muffled talking, but couldn’t make out any words. Spin’s breathing was loud in my ears.

“What do we do now?” he asked.

“I think we can get into the room, but we have to wait for the general and his aide to leave.” As though they had been listening, the general’s aide walked to the door, opened it for the general, and the two of them exited. The room was plunged into darkness.

Surprised, but not wanting to waste the opportunity, I felt around the edges of the seeming wall in front of me. A small knot seemed loose, and when I pushed it, the wall swung open. We crept through the bedroom and into the main room, keeping our heads down. I removed my helmet and placed it on the seat at the desk. “We need to find some proof,” I whispered. “I’ll look through the desk, you look at the cabinet in the corner.”

“Roger,” he replied.

We rifled through papers for a while, not finding much that was helpful. I looked through each drawer twice, but still didn’t see anything that could be considered proof. I sat down on the floor, puzzled. This was a military operation. There had to be a paper trail somewhere. I stared at the desk. It was an old oak desk, stained a deep red colour and polished so that it shone, even in the dim light. It had one thin drawer at the hole where the chair rested that held pencils and other stationery supplies. On either side of there were three drawers. The top two were the same size, but the bottom one was larger, which bugged me for some reason.

I pulled out the drawer and looked at the papers that were resting there. I pulled out the second drawer and saw that both drawers were full and were holding the same amount of paper.
I groaned audibly.

“What’s the matter?” asked Spin. He closed the last drawer on the cabinet he had been examining and came over.

“There’s a false bottom in this drawer,” I replied. “I should have known. It’s so obvious.” I pulled out the papers and felt around the empty drawer until I figured out how to open it. With a soft click the false bottom popped up, revealing another stack of papers. I grabbed them and gave a quick scan. “Yeah, this is what we are looking for.” I handed the papers to Spin and then returned the remaining papers to their rightful spot. “Let’s get out of here.”

Just then, the door handle rattled and voices could be heard from the other side. Spin and I bolted to the hidden room, closing it just in time. As we snuck out into the cool night air, my heart sank.

My helmet was still on the general’s desk.

Fools of us All - Chapter 52

2009-10-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

SPIN

“Why did I know you were going to say that?” I lamented. I was starting to get the feeling that spending time with Caz was never going to get easier. “Who can we tell that would believe us?” I whispered.

“No one,” she replied. “We need proof.”

I looked at her before peering into the room once again. The general was leaning back in his chair, his feet up on his desk, polished so fine that they were like a mirror. I ducked back, worried that he could see me in them. “We need to break into his office, don’t we.”

The helmet across from me bobbed the affirmative. Sometimes it was no fun being right.

“The night is cooling off. Close the window for me, would you?” The general leaned forward, putting his feet back on the floor. A loud creak emerged from the chair as his weight shifted.

“Of course, sir.” His face remained bland as he walked towards where we were crouched. There was no time to hide, so we did the only suitable thing. When the aide reached the window, we saluted him crisply and walked away resolutely once he had returned the gesture. Once around the corner of the building, we stopped holding our breath.

“That was too close,” I remarked, but she wasn’t listening. She was already formulating the plan for getting the proof we needed. “Let me know when you think of something,” I said, leaning against the building, falling flat on my face when the hidden door popped open.

“I’ve thought of something,” said Caz.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 51

2009-09-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

The Beginning of the End

“How are the preparations coming?” Thunderfunk paced the control room nervously.

Lights flashed a rainbow of colour across Straw Daq’s face as the clicking of various buttons being pushed flooded the room. His hands were a blur as has flipped switches and turned dials. Sweat ran down his face, falling to splash on the rubberized tile. “Things are going well,” he said tersely.

“Excellent.” Thunder wrung his hands. “Are the lasers in place?”

“Yes. And I calibrated them myself.”

“Good. What about the incendiary devices?”

“Placed at the best strategic locations.”

“Grenade launchers?”

“Loaded and armed.” Straw wiped his brow with a damp sock.

“Mortar rounds?”

“Prepped.”

“Missiles?”

“Coordinates loaded and warheads armed.”

“Squirrel gun?”

“Ready.”

“Clown?”

“Just putting on his make up. We had an issue with the wig, but we think it has been handled.”

“Good. We certainly do not want a repeat of Grenada.”

Straw shuddered at the memory.

“Vacuum?”

“Bag emptied, ready to go.”

“Screwdriver?”

“I’ve gone with a Robertson this time. Seemed apropos given the circumstances.”

“A fine choice.” Thunder sat down, closing his eyes for a moment before leaping to his feet. “Spaghetti?”

“Al dente.”

“Soap?”

“Nice and sudsy.”

“Turtles?”

“Shells are waxed and buffed. One wasn’t feeling in a bitey mood, but I reminded him that he was contractually obligated.”

“It was Louie, wasn’t it.” Thunder rubbed the spot at the bridge of his beak that always seemed to calm him down. “I never should have hired him.”

“Don’t worry, it will be okay.”

“Okay. Did you get the ping pong balls?”

Straw grimaced and breathed in through a clenched mouth. “The store was sold out. All they had left was hockey pucks, and not very many of those.”

“It will have to do.” The two looked at each other for a long moment. “It is time, isn’t it.”

Straw nodded.

“Very well.” Thunder tugged on his tuxedo jacket and straightened his bow tie. “Then make the call.”

Fools of us All - Chapter 51

2009-09-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

CAZ

“Would you like a drink, sir?” asked the aide. He grabbed a series of bottles, deftly pouring and mixing a cocktail of some sort.

“Wha..oh, yes. Of course.” The general scrawled his signature at the bottom of a page. As he accepted the drink, he sat back, rubbing his neck. “That’s good,” he complimented his aide.

“Only the best for you, sir,” came the smooth reply. I was surprised at how casual this aide was with such an important man. Judging from the plethora of stars and stripes on the general’s uniform, he must have been the highest man in the army.

“Have we received any reports back from the field?” The general tipped his glass up, finishing the entire drink.

“Everything is proceeding as planned,” replied the aide. He quickly prepared a new drink.

“I’m still not comfortable with this,” said the general, accepting the new drink.

A sour expression flitted across the aide’s face, but it was gone before the general could notice. “I understand, General Toshi, but you saw how restless the workers were getting. We needed something to stop any chance of them organising or revolting. We need them under control and faking some alien attacks was enough to get them scared and clamouring for our help and control. Plus, revealing this information to the public will unite them and make them think that they need us to protect them as well. Everyone is under our control now.”

The general leaned back, holding out an empty glass. “I guess so,” he said reluctantly. “I am curious how you managed to set up the fake attacks so quickly.”

The aide smiled his oily smile. “It is amazing what bureaucracy can accomplish when the goal is its own gain.”

I pulled back from the window, staring at nothing for a long time. “We have to reveal the truth,” I whispered. I glanced over at Spin whose shoulders visibly slumped.

“Why did I know you were going to say that?” he lamented.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 50

2009-09-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

Almost There

The next few days were busy for the evil supergenius. Straw Daq watched as his employer descended into madness. Actually, Thunderfunk the Superchicken had been mad from the day he hatched. “He came out half scrambled”, his father was fond of saying.

But Straw worried nonetheless. He had never seen Thunder so focussed before. There were several easy opportunities for megalomania that he ignored. He even, in his distraction, said hello to Mrs. Henderson without cursing or sighing. All he wanted to do was attack Breadbuuter.

One attempt after another failed. They drove a tank at his gates, only to be met with a barrage of anti-tank weaponry, such as a giant lizard foot falling from the sky to crush it. They tried to fly a helicopter over his house, but a laser guided laser sliced the rotors clean off and a humongous mallet smacked the falling helicopter far away. They tunnelled towards his land, only to accidentally hit the lava crocodile pit. Not much gets the heart pumping like being chased through a tunnel by a lava crocodile. As well as lava. The lowest of the low moments came when they dressed in girl guide uniforms and tried to sell cookies at the front gate.

Finally, after two weeks of failure, Thunder sat on his red leather chair, one arm in bandages, a bald spot in his feathers where the stiches had gone in. He slowly raised his head, meeting his protege’s eyes with an icy gaze. “It’s time,” he said.

“Prepare the device.”

Fools of us All - Chapter 50

2009-09-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

SPIN

I couldn’t see her face, but I could tell from how her shoulders slumped that Caz was relieved about something. “What’s up?” I asked as we strolled around the side of the building. When we were hidden in the shadows, she removed her helmet.

“Didn’t you recongise that guy?” she hissed.

I glanced around but couldn’t see him anymore, so I shrugged.

“That was the general’s aide.”

“Which general?”

“The one that captured me when we first got back.” She wiped her brow and then put her helmet back on.

“Oh right. The guy I smacked in the face. Hey, if his aide is here, do you think the general would be too?”

Her helmet bobbed up and down in the dim light. We slunk over to a nearby window and peered inside. The general was sitting at a desk, reading over some papers. He glanced towards us, revealing the remnants of a nasty bruise around his eye and cheek, a bruise that closely resembled the butt end of the gun I had hit him with.

The door behind him opened and the aide returned, flicking a cigarette butt into the night. As they began to talk, I couldn’t help but wonder if the fear that had seemed to flash across the general’s face was real, or just a trick of the light.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 49

2009-09-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

Attempt Number One

Applying black face paint over feathers was harder than it looked, but it was an essential part of late night skullduggery, largely because Thunderfunk was a white chicken with a white head, so he was highly visible, even at night. He finished the last touches, smearing the greasy paint on his neck feathers. “There, how do I look?” he asked Straw.

“Too much mascara,” replied the young man without looking up. He had been ready for an hour, but it was always much easier for him. “Can we go now?” he whined.

“Yes, the time for us to depart has arrived,” said Thunder.

They slunk out of their secret lair, moving silently through the inky blackness, grateful for the lack of a moon. Soon they had reached their destination. “This part of his fence is always neglected,” whispered Thunder, reaching forward to grasp the metal wire.

Straw looked around. “I smell barbecue,” he said, puzzled. “Who in the world would be barbecuing this late at night?”

“Hnng!” replied Thunder, his entire body stiff, smoke curling from under his black toque.

“Oh,” said Straw. He grabbed a stick and knocked Thunder’s hand off of the fence. The giant chicken slumped to the ground, babbling incoherently.

“I took the liberty of rewiring the fence for electricity,” came Breadbuuter’s voice over a hidden speaker. “Did you like it?”

“Hrrg!” replied Thunder sullenly. He rose to his feet shakily and tottered off, limping visibly.

Straw looked around, unsure of the protocol. “Sorry to have bothered you,” he finally said before running into the darkness. He bounced off of the fence with a loud zap. Rising to his feet, he glanced around. Patting his head until the flames went out, turned and followed Thunder into the darkness.

Fools of us All - Chapter 49

2009-09-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

CAZ

It was absurdly easy to break into the base. The M.E.R.C. troops were well trained, but not overly observant, and having two extra soldiers wasn’t noticed by anyone. As soon as we were inside the base, we snuck away from the soldiers. The darkness provided many shadows in which to hide. I had never been here before, but the basic layout of the bases was pretty standard.

We paused at the corner of a building. “There’s no cover here,” I whispered. “We need to get to that building over there.”

“Let me guess,” came Spin’s reply. “We are going to casually walk across the open space and hope no one stops us.”

“You have a better idea?”

“Sadly, no.”

I knew the best way to get away with any deception, and that was to act like you belonged. So I strode with confidence as though I had done this many times before and knew exactly where I was going. By the time we reached the other building, my heart was pounding so hard it almost hurt. But we had made it.

Just then, the door opened and out stepped a man, an unlit cigarette dangling from him mouth. “Do you have a light, soldier?” he asked.

“No sir,” replied Spin, patting his pockets as though looking for matches or a lighter.

“That’s okay,” replied the highly decorated officer as he wandered away.

I was glad that Spin had answered because my heart had crawled into my throat and cowered in fear. Coming face to face with the general’s aide had almost been more than I could take.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 48

2009-09-05T22:57:00.001-07:00

Set Up

“Come face me you coward!” Thunder raised his fist to the security camera, shaking vigorously.

The small tv set in the wall of the guard room sprang to life. “Oh, I think not, my dear colleague.” Breadbuuter’s large face filled the screen. “We have said all we have to say to each other.”

“We had an agreement...a gentleman’s accord. How dare you violate it?” Spittle flew from Thunder’s beak.

“Hah!” Breadbuuter threw his head back, flailing his arms to catch his balance. “That agreement was not worth the paper it was printed on. This is not a game, good sir. And I would thank you to leave my premises before I release the hounds.”

“You don’t have hounds.”

“True. I do have an angry, trained hummingbird though.”

Thunder’s eyes went wide. “All right, I shall leave. But I’ll return. And when I do, only one of us will emerge alive!” As he turned to go, a man in a guard’s uniform flew through the air. “He had better not be late on Monday,” muttered Thunder as he stalked away.

Fools of us All - Chapter 48

2009-08-31T23:39:00.000-07:00

SPIN

In all of my life, I had had no experience with the military whatsoever. On occasion I would see army trucks drive by on the highway. Once I stood in line at a Tim Horton’s behind a guy in uniform. That was about it. And then I met Caz. Since then I had been attacked by some crazy army men in a hospital, flung across time and space only to be attacked by a whole lot of soldiers in a warehouse, impersonated a guard to rescue Caz, been on the run from the army, had a fight with the guards at the scrivener base (who were not strictly army, but that’s hardly the point) and now I was about to break into a highly guarded military base to see if aliens were indeed attacking the mining colonies out in space.

I gave Caz an appraising look. “Seems okay to me,” I said. There were some advantages to breaking into the military base as opposed to the scrivener hall. For one, women were allowed in the military, so she would not stand out quite so obviously. Second, most of the M.E.R.C. uniforms included helmets with face shields. Third, there were no tracking devices like the scriveners wore, so it was easier to get in. And fourth, Caz still knew some of the codes and passwords from her time with the organisation.

We had completed the first step: we were wearing M.E.R.C. uniforms. They were slightly rumpled, but they fit well enough. The helmets had some information on a display on the inside of them, but not too much. My guess was that the people in charge did not trust their foot soldiers with too much information, so unlike the movies I had seen, I could not look at Caz and know everything about her.

A few moments later we were hiding behind a small knoll near the base. The uniforms were surprisingly warm in the chilly night air. Our helmets were sitting on the ground beside us as we found them to be somewhat stifling. We were waiting for something, but I was not sure what. Caz had grown less communicative in the past hour, simply shushing me whenever I asked for the plan. I couldn’t imagine we would just walk through the front gate, even with our disguises.

A line of soldiers appeared, marching towards the front gate. “Right on time,” I heard Caz mutter. She grabbed her helmet and put it on. I followed suit. The soldiers passed uncomfortably near to where we were sitting, but none seemed to notice. As they passed, Caz moved silently until she was walking behind the last guy in line.

I hesitated for a moment and then shook my head before joining her. Maybe we would walk through the front gate after all.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 47

2009-08-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

Severance Package

Straw snuck out of the house, hiding behind a tree. “Mrs. Henderson,” he called out softly.

No answer.

“Mrs. Hen-nnnn-der-rrrrrr-son,” he repeated, his voice carrying further this time.

No response.

“I think it’s safe,” he shouted to the house.

“Humph.” Thunderfunk stalked onto the front walk. “I’m sure she will return. Let us depart post haste. And fire the guard.”

“Let me guess. Out of a cannon?”

“Actually, I wanted you to terminate his employment. But I like your idea better.”

“But...” Straw watched his boss walk away. Shaking his head, he walked towards the guard’s booth. The good news for the guard was that technically he was going to keep his job.

Assuming he survived.

Fools of us All - Chapter 47

2009-08-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

CAZ

I took the binoculars from Spin and gazed at the base. There was not much activity going on at the moment, and it was bothering me. I thought that there should be more people moving around, more frantic activity. War had just been declared on an alien race, and the army wasn’t doing anything.

Spin sighed heavily beside me. “What?” I asked, not looking at him, knowing what I would see.

“I don’t see why we had to come out here in the cold,” he grumbled.

“Because the so-called war won’t wait for the weather to warm up. Besides, it’s not that cold out.”

“I can see my breath,” he replied. He was rubbing his arms vigorously, trying to warm up. “So what’s the plan?” he finally asked when I failed to respond to his complaining.

“Something’s wrong,” I answered. “We need to get in there and get some information.”

He groaned. “This is going to end with pain, isn’t it.”

I nodded. No sense in lying to him now.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 46

2009-08-20T23:25:00.000-07:00

Anger Inducing

“Blast that infernal woman!” Thunderfunk had tired of waiting long before Mrs. Henderson had. He was now stalking from door to door, opening them and growling in frustration as he found Mrs. Henderson in front of the door, waiting for him each time. Even the secret entrances were not free from her presence.

Now he was sitting in his secret lair, brooding. He needed to get to Breadbuuter’s house so he could properly confront him. This was no time for delays of meaningless gossip and idle chit chat.

Straw entered the lair and stood behind him for a while. “You know, it would just be easier to talk to her,” he reasoned. “She is not going away. She’s brought enough yarn to knit a tent.”

On the video screens, Thunder watched as Mrs. Henderson continued to knit (or was she crocheting?) something colourful.

“Bah!” said the Superchicken.

“Maybe she will be quick once she talks to you?” Straw was clearly grasping at, well, straws.

“And again I say, ‘Bah’!” said Thunder. But time was running short. “Oh fine,” he groused. “I will meet her at the front door.” With that, he was off like a shot, hoping against hope that he would beat her there. He flung open the door and sighed heavily. “Come in, Mrs. Henderson,” he said angrily.

“Oh, no thank you dear,” said Mrs. Henderson, smiling up at him. “I was just wondering if you had seen Mr Penticton recently? The naughty thing has run off again and he will be late for din-dins.”

“Mrs. Henderson,” began Thunder with exaggerated calm, “I told you that I would destroy your cat with a laser if I found him on my property again, but I lied. I shot him out of a cannon.”

She smiled benignly at him. “That’s wonderful dear. Hello Straw,” she called, peeking around Thunder. “If you see Mr Penticton, could you send him back home?”

“Sure thing Mrs. H,” replied Straw Daq enthusiastically.

“What a dear young lad.” Mrs. Henderson placed a hand on Thunder’s arm for a second and then turned to leave. “Call me if you find him,” she said over her shoulder. And then she was gone.

Thunder stared at her back, crestfallen. He turned to face Straw, who was grinning like an idiot. “If you say one word,” he said to the young pilot, his voice low and devoid of energy, “I will fire you out of the cannon. One. Piece. At. A. Time.” With that, he stalked away to the bathroom. Revenge on Breadbuuter would wait. He needed a soothing bubble bath first.

Fools of us All - Chapter 46

2009-08-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

SPIN

I stared at Caz, unsure of what to do. She was pacing the room frantically but not saying anything. I had not expected my news to have any effect on her at all beyond distracting her from our situation for a little while. I had not seen any aliens as of yet, nor heard of any talk beyond the usual rumours and hillbilly UFO sightings, so I assumed that there had been no intelligent life found anywhere else. I had figured it would be an interesting intellectual exercise.

“We have to go,” she kept saying, over and over again. She was limping slightly on her artificial leg.

“Go where?” I asked warily, standing with my back against the door. I think I was unconsciously guarding it, keeping her from rushing off and doing something stupid.

“Out there, to the mines.” She stopped suddenly and whirled around to stare at me. “We have to stop them.”

I couldn’t help myself. I laughed. “You mean you want us to go out to the mines. In space. And stop the aliens? The aliens that might not even exist?”

I think laughing was the wrong response. She shot across the room like she had been fired from a rail gun, pinning me against the door. Even though I was almost a foot taller than her, I was helpless to stop her. She was a ball of fury and it was all focussed on me at the moment. “We have to go out there. I have to know!” was all she said. She pushed me aside and opened the door.

I coughed a few times, rubbing my throat where she had grabbed it. Hurrying after her, I tried to appeal to her reason. “We can’t just go off half-cocked,” I croaked. “We don’t know anything about what’s going on.” She ignored me and kept walking. “There are no such things as aliens!” I said.

That stopped her. She turned around and faced me. “Then how did my father die?” she asked angrily.

All I could do was shrug. “I don’t know,” I said helplessly. She had never told me, but I was sensing a connection. “Was he a miner?”

She nodded.

“Maybe it was just an accident. Mining always seems to be a dangerous operation, no matter when people are doing it.”

She shook her head. “There was always something about his death that bothered me.” The fury had gone from her demeanour, and she just looked tired. “I can’t shake the feeling that there was something sinister about his ‘accident’.”

“Yeah, but aliens? Has anyone ever seen an alien? Does anyone really believe they exist?”

With a sigh, she shook her head.

“Well then, maybe we should see what we can find here first before we head off into space.”

An odd expression crossed her face. “We? Don’t you want to go home?”

I shrugged. “Sure, at some point. But I can’t imagine how that is going to happen now. The time machine is either destroyed or in the hands of the M.E.R.C.s, which is much the same thing. I may as well help you until we can figure something out. I’m just not going to assume it is aliens.”

We walked in silence for a while until we reached a hidden door. A quick peek through the spy hole showed it to be at the end of a dark alleyway, so we snuck out, carefully marking its position in case we needed to hide again.

Reaching the end of the alley, we stepped out of the shadow into the bright sunshine. A large screen on the side of a nearby building was showing a live news report.

“And the government has released this footage along with the following statement: ‘For the first time in humanities history, we are seeing evidence of extraterrestrial life.’” The video showed a strange spaceship flying in to frame at a high speed and landing roughly. A pair of strange beings leapt out of the ship and lowered weapons, firing them indiscriminately into a crowd of terrified miners. A few moments later, the aliens and the ship were gone. The newscaster’s face appeared again, a freeze frame of one of the aliens face floating above his left shoulder. “‘We do not condone these attacks,’ the statement continues, ‘and we will be responding swiftly to defend ourselves.’

“The military has issued a call to all reservists and cancelled all leave. Troops and ships will begin shipping out soon.” He continued to drone in the background, but we stopped listening. We stepped back into the alley. Caz looked at me pointedly.

I looked back at her, and all I could think to say was “huh. Answers one question anyway.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 45

2009-08-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

The Waiting Game (Is Not Much Fun)

Thunder moved the shade on the window a fraction of an inch. Mrs. Henderson was still out there, smiling benignly.

But she would move eventually. He could wait.

He could wait.

Fools of us All - Chapter 45

2009-08-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

CAZ

I sat up suddenly. My stomach heaved, but there was nothing in it to expel. I took several deep breaths and closed my eyes until my head stopped spinning. Cautiously, I opened my eyes and looked around. There was not much to see in the gloomy light that was shining through a single window set high in the wall. I was in a room, lying on a pad on the floor. The walls were damp there was an unpleasant odour in the air. I wrinkled my nose and then made an attempt at standing.

A jolt of pain spread from my shoulder, but I gritted my teeth and leaned on the wall, waiting for it to subside. My arm was bound against my body, keeping it immobile. My artificial leg was stiff as I walked around the room.

When the door opened a few minutes later, I was poking at some of the electronic innards of my leg. It needed a good cleaning, but that seemed to be the extent of the damage. I replaced the skin and winced as I could feel it self-healing.

“Here’s some food,” said Spin. He brought over a hunk of bread with some meat and cheese.

I ate in silence, accepting the small flask of water and washing down my impromptu meal. “Nothing for you?” I asked, wiping the crumbs on my pants.

He shook his head. “I already ate,” he said, falling silent again.

We stared at each other in the gloom. “How long was I out?”

“About two weeks.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Long enough for you to heal I guess.” I stared at his arm. There seemed to be no bruising or anything, and he was moving it freely.

“Yeah, well,” he said. “So I’ve been getting information, at least as best I can, and something seems to be happening that I don’t understand. I thought you could help.”

I studied him intensely for a moment. He didn’t want to tell me something, but I was not sure what that might be. “What,” I asked wearily, deciding not to press the point.

“The news has been reporting possible alien contact in the mines. It‘s put the story of two fugitives stealing valuable archival material off the front page.”

His words hit me like a punch to the stomach. I slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. “Daddy?” The word slipped out without me meaning to say it. I jumped suddenly to my feet, all other considerations forgotten. I had a question that needed answering, and it needed answering now.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 44

2009-07-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

Ice Cream is a Dish Best Served Cold. Or Deep Fried.

“Gonna kill Breadbuuter, gonna kill Breadbuuter, gonna kill Breadbuuter.” Thunderfunk chanted this mantra as he stalked through the hallways in his home. In all of their past dealings, he and Breadbuuter had never interfered with each other’s plans directly. Sure there had been anonymous tips and quiet hints to the right people at the right time, but this was different. This was so...so...personal!

He was at a level of rage that he had never felt before. His jaw was clenched so hard it made his beak hurt. His eyes were narrow slits and he was molting with rage. He was also completely lost. He had been searching for the front door for the past half hour and it was nowhere to be found. “Has someone moved it?” he growled at no one in particular.

Turning a corner, he ran into Straw, knocking both of them to the ground in a heap. Clucking loudly, Thunderfunk flailed his arms, connecting with Straw’s jaw at least once. “Get off of me!” he said loudly. Once they had untangled themselves, Thunder rose to his feet. “I have to go kill Breadbuuter,” he said, turning away.

“Hold on a minute,” said Straw, his voice muffled by the swelling in his face.

“What!” snapped Thunder.

“Maybe you should calm down for a bit. You need to plan something, not just go over there half-cocked...”

“What is that? Is that a chicken joke? Are you mocking me?” Thunder balled his hands into fists, prepared to fight.

“No, I’m not mocking you,” said a visibly exasperated Straw. “The fact that you want to fight like a common pugilist tells me that you are in no condition to confront a girl scout, let alone your arch nemesis.”

“Well, to be fair, girl scouts can be pretty tough,” replied Thunder, but his anger was dissipating somewhat. At least, the white hot rage had dissipated. It’s spot was filled with a cold rage, a slow burn, a...you get the picture. “You, of course, are correct, my young sir,” he said calmly. “The time has come to crush Breadbuuter, and it must be done right. Now come - we have preparations to make.” Confidently, he strode to the front door and flung it open, stepping as far onto the front step as he could without stepping on Mrs. Henderson, whom he had not been expecting to see.

Straw had a hard time deciding what was funnier: Thunder’s girly scream of terror or the fact that he peed his pants a little.

Fools of us All - Chapter 44

2009-07-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

SPIN

I was paralysed with fear and doubt. The past week had been difficult and I was tired and couldn’t concentrate anymore. I had not had a good night’s sleep since that night. I was still at a loss to explain what had happened. I could only vaguely remember fighting my way through a crowd and then carrying Caz into the tunnels, where we had been hiding ever since.

Her injuries were pretty bad. To be honest, I was not even sure how she was still alive. There had been so much blood that I thought she had died before I could set her down. I was still dazed from the fight, but I think I remember my hands feeling extremely warm.

I fell asleep for some time and when I woke up, Caz was still alive. She muttered to herself in her sleep, and once she had sat up and screamed so loudly that I was sure we would be caught. When she had quieted down, I had picked her up again and carried her to a new location.

That was the first time that I had really noticed that my arm was healed. There was no pain, no bruising, no scarring, no anything that would indicate that it had been broken so badly that I looked like I had an extra elbow. I had no explanation for what had happened.

Everything was overwhelming if I thought about it. I was lost in time, unable to get back home, unsure of what to do here in whatever now I found myself. The only solace had been found in reading the book I had stolen from the archives.

But even that solace was tinged with terror.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 43

2009-07-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Justified Anger

Thunderfunk stalked through the tunnel, fuming. “How could Breadbuuter do this to me!” he groused.

Straw walked with him. “He is your mortal enemy. It makes sense that he would be trying to stop your plans.” He was finding it hard to keep up with his boss.

“That’s no excuse. We have an understanding.”

“And you are both cheats,” Straw reasoned.

“That’s beside the point. This was not even a grand scheme. He had no right to interfere.” He reached the secret door that led back into his proper house, slamming it open in anger.

Straw glanced at the wall behind the door and made a mental note to call a contractor to repair the wall. He looked back up to see his boss turning the corner. “Wait up!” he called out.

“I have no time. I am going to confront him and, and, and punch him straight in the nose.”

Straw rushed ahead and stood in front of the angry giant chicken. “I don’t think that is a good idea. You need a bit to cool down. You can’t scheme when you are this angry.” A moment later Straw sat up, rubbing the spot on his head that had smashed into the wall. He made another mental note to get that spot in the wall repaired as well. He also hoped he was able to remember his mental notes.

Fools of us All - Chapter 43

2009-07-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

CAZ

Drip
Drip
Drip

I could hear dripping nearby. Water splashed close to my head with a regular rhythm. For a long time, nothing else existed in my world - just darkness and the sound of water hitting the ground.

Drip
Drip
Drip

Slowly, other sensations began to thrust themselves upon me, but I fought them back. The water had hypnotized me, promising to ease my pain. I felt nothing. There was only the falling water.

Drip
Drip
Drip

A stab of pain distracted me for a moment. I could feel that my leg was moving, but I had no actual sensation from the lower limb beyond a thin line of pain. My knee twitched violently, jarring loose a memory of crushing injury. The artificiality of my own leg imposed itself upon my senses. Someone in the darkness moaned loudly.

Drip
Drip
Drip

I tried to regain the comfort of the regular sound, but more intrusions were making their presences known on my consciousness. A white hot pain burned my shoulder. A muffled sob echoed off of the walls. My leg twitched hard enough to bang awkwardly off of the cold floor. I flexed my arms, gasping at the soreness I found.

Drip
Drip
Drip

It was the overwhelming sorrow that finally roused me. I could not remember why, but it felt like my entire life was meaningless. It was only then that I realised the moaning and crying I had been hearing was my own. My eyes flew open and I screamed, a sound of pure animalistic rage. The sound echoed off of the round walls of the dimly perceived tunnels, continuing around itself without end. Tears streamed down my face as I yelled, again and again.

When the sound finally abated, I found myself emptied of everything. Suddenly, keeping my eyelids open seemed to be a wasted effort. With a final, raspy sob, I sank back to the ground and closed my eyes, surrendering to the darkness and the peace I found there.

Drip
Drip
Drip

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 42

2009-07-17T11:03:00.001-07:00

An Unexpected Twist...of Lime

Straw sat up suddenly, a thought racing through his mind. He jumped out of bed and ran down the hall, stumbling over the prone body of a bus driver that they had missed. Making a mental note to untie him and release him later, Straw continued down the hall to Thunder’s room. He burst in, tripping over a stool near the door and landing with a crash near Thunderfunk’s bed.

He shook his head and began to rise, slowly laying back down when he saw the massive gun pointed directly at his chest. “It’s just me,” he said nervously.

“Oh, Straw,” said Thunder. He didn’t move the weapon immediately.

Straw peed his pants, just a little.

“Very well, what is it?” asked Thunder crabbily. He reached down and pulled Straw to his feet by his chest hair.

“....ow....” Straw sat on the edge of the bed and blinked the tears of pain from his eyes. “I was wondering where the city got the money to pay for the mayor? They don’t have any extra in the budget, do they?”

Thunder shook his head. “The city’s coffers are currently very dry.”

“Exactly. That means they had to get outside help for the money. And who would have wanted to see your plan foiled the most?”

Thunder pondered for a moment, and then his eyes widened. “Breadbuuter,” he breathed. And then “BRRREEEAAAADDDDDD-BBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUU-UUUUUUUUUU-TTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

Straw looked at his boss. He had never seen him so angry. He turned to go, and peed his pants even more when he saw the sock puppet hanging from the doorknob.

Fools of us All - Chapter 42

2009-07-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

I saw Caz’s sharp look, but I ignored it. I was as surprised as she was that I had somehow quoted the inscription on the cover. But there was no time to wonder about it. We had to leave quickly, before we were caught. I caught Bartleby’s eye for a moment and allowed a small grin to touch my lips before I nodded goodbye, walking out of the door.

Caz followed a moment later, her steps slow and heavy, her head hanging down. I had to grab her and pull her into the shadows when a guard came running by. She seemed to barely notice.

“C’mon, Caz,” I hissed in her ear. “We’re not getting out of here if you don’t lead the way. I am so lost right now and…nngh.” A fresh wave of pain hit me. I had wondered before, but now I was sure that it was more than my arm that had been damaged. The beating I had received had been worse than I had let on.

“Fine,” said Caz. “Follow me.” Her voice sounded hollow and lifeless, but she moved off at a quicker pace.

I was sure we were going to make it. We snuck around the building for an hour, being very careful to avoid everyone we could, not taking any chances. We could see the door across the hall from the niche in the wall behind a giant clay vase where we were hiding and there was no one in sight. Relief was now mixing with the pain I was feeling. Caz had just stepped out when I was wracked with pain unlike any I had felt before. I couldn’t stop the scream that tore itself from my throat as I collapsed against the giant vase.

Through half-closed eyes I watched the entire scene unfold in slow motion. The pottery slowly tipped over, heading for the floor. Caz turned in surprise, but before she could react, a guard appeared at the end of the hall, his weapon drawn. The vase shattered against the ground at the same time that the guard’s shot reached out to connect with Caz as she started to dive for safety.

And the entire time, the pain inside of me intensified. I could feel it washing over me like the ocean tide. I curled into a tight ball, unable to move or talk or do anything besides experience the pain. I don’t know how long I laid there, unable to even think.

So I was as surprised as anyone when I began to speak.

“And in that day a terrible cry will rise in the city, but the keeper of the light will pay it no heed. Though seeing the peril, none will recognise the danger from afar which begins from within. Remain ever vigilant against the coming day. The fallen will gain a reprieve, but a purpose must be served. Death cannot be swayed.”

The pain never stopped, even as I spoke. I don’t remember what happened next, or maybe I do remember and it makes no sense. I am sure I blacked out or began to hallucinate, because what I see when I close my eyes makes no sense. A man who looked much like me was standing where I had been only moments before. He strode forward with a purpose, fighting his way through terrified guards and awestruck scriveners until there was no one left awake in the hall. He returned to where Caz was sprawled on the floor, blood seeping into the carpet. With great tenderness he leaned down and scooped up the injured woman before striding purposefully a small room. He paused only long enough to smash a piece of glass and take the paper hanging behind it before stepping to a spot in the wall. He pressed a hidden latch and a large, round door sprang open. Before walking through he reached over and grabbed the ancient book that was laying on a stand, open to the midpoint. The door closed behind him, and I remembered no more.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 41

2009-06-26T22:58:00.000-07:00

Better Late Than Never

The doorbell rang.

Straw Daq looked at Thunderfunk the Superchicken who stared blankly at his pilot.

The doorbell rang again.

Both man and chicken looked around, gazing at the walls and ceiling.

Once more, the doorbell rang.

Finally Straw ventured to speak. “Did...did you have a doorbell installed down here?”

“No...” said Thunder slowly, drawing out the word.

“Hey Thunder?”

“Yes?”

“The sock puppet is gone.”

“I know.”

They cowered in fear again.

This time, the doorbell tolled.

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” snapped Thunder, suddenly angry. “I’m going to answer the door.” He rose to his feet and glancing fearfully at the last place they had seen the sock puppet, he strode towards the door.

“Which door?” came Straw’s quavering voice.

Thunderfunk stopped, considering. As a safety precaution against attack, he had installed a large number of doors, giving him many options for a hasty retreat. With a muttered curse, he turned towards Straw. “I’ll take this half,” he said, pointing to his right, “and you take the other half.” He stalked away, muttering under his breath.

Thirty minutes later they were down to four doors. The doorbell had continued to ring incessantly during the entire time. Every time it sounded, Straw let out a frustrated whimper. He opened a door cleverly hidden behind a large picture of a gate, but there was no one there.

Ding-dong. Whimper.

Thunder grabbed a door handle and flung it open. “What?!” he bellowed.

The figure at the door jumped back, startled. Thunder also jumped back, surprised to see someone standing there. Both took a moment to compose themselves as Straw wandered over.

“Here you go,” said the shadowy figure, thrusting a briefcase towards Thunder.

Nodding at his protege, Thunder watched as Straw grabbed the case and set it on a table before opening it. Even from a distance, Thunder could see that it was full of money. “What is this?” he growled.

“Ransom.”

“Ransom?”

“Yes, ransom.”

Thunder looked at the man, then at Straw, then back at the man. “Ah,” he said. And with that, he swung the door shut.

“Can we have our mayor back?” said the man, his voice muffled by the closed door. Thunder opened it, annoyed that the man was still there.

“Go away,” he said crabbily.

“I want to, but I need to take the mayor with me. You said we could have him back if we paid.”

“You did say that,” said Straw as he finished counting the money. Shutting the case, he picked it up again. “It’s all here, and there is even some extra.”

“Yeah, we want our bus drivers back too.” The man seemed almost sheepish, as though embarrassed to be asking for them as well.

Thunder’s eyes narrowed dangerously and he briefly considered killing the man where he stood, but all of the energy went out of him. “Very well,” he said, a pained look on his face. “But I’m keeping their pants.” He shut the door again.

Twenty minutes later the mayor marched through the door at the head of a long line of pantless men and women. When the last straggler had made his way out, the door was slammed shut again. Thunder and Straw left the secret lair and made their way to the sitting room.

“What just happened?” asked Thunder once they were settled in.

Straw merely shrugged. He opened the case again and looked inside. “Huh,” he said, closing it again, looking over at Thunder, resigned dismay written all over his face.

“Let me guess,” said Thunder, rubbing his temples as though that action was a miracle cure for headaches. “The sock puppet is in the case.”

“Yup.”

“And it wasn’t there before?”

“Nope.”

“And the case has not been opened or out of your hand since you counted it?”

“Not even for a second.”

“I think,” said Thunderfunk slowly. “That I,” he continued angrily. “That I may cry,” he finished weakly.

And he did.

Fools of us All - Chapter 41

2009-06-22T21:25:00.000-07:00

“Go ahead,” I said dully, “turn us in. I don’t care anymore.” I kept looking for the guards to come bursting in on us.

“Turn you in, my dear?” said the hooded scrivener, a note of amusement in his voice. “It has been entirely too long since I have had a chance to speak to a young woman that I see no reason to cut a chat short before it has even begun.” Lifting his hands, he lowered his hood, revealing a smiling face, his mouth surrounded by laugh lines and crow’s feet crinkling the corner of his eyes. Thick, white hair covered his head in an unruly mop, and his blue eyes sparkled with private amusement. “You must be the horrible ruffians I’ve heard so much about. You really have the entire building in an uproar, telling tales of how mean you are and how rough you play.”

Spin managed a smirk at me and I could feel my face turn red. “That’s all her,” he said. “I’m mostly here ‘cuz I’m pretty.”

I waited for my face to return to normal before lowering my own hood. “I am sorry if anyone has suffered…”

“Oh poppycock,” broke in the old man. “I know the men hear. Frankly, many of the younger ones could stand to be hit more often. Actually, a few of us old codgers likely need it from time to time as well.” His eyes lost focus for a moment before gazing intently at me again. “Now, as I said, you have some ‘splainin’ to do.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Spin interrupted. “I’m sorry, but have you been time travelling lately? I mean, ‘some ‘splainin’ to do’? That’s old by my time!” He sounded angry and suspicious, as though he didn’t trust what he was hearing. I could not blame him.

“Your time…ah, so the stories are true. Someone has broken the time barrier.” Smiling, he stepped forward and grabbed the book, tucking it under his arm. “Follow me,” he said. I raised my eyebrows at Spin who merely shrugged. We had little choice.

A few moments later we were in an even danker and darker corner of the basement, sitting around a small desk. “Welcome to my office,” said the scrivener proudly as he closed the door. “Now, perhaps I have some explaining to do as well. First, my name is Bartleby…” he smiled at Spin’s snort. “A coincidence, I assure you. I have spent much of my adulthood learning of the ancient time. I find the past to be fascinating, full of wisdom and amusement. I have read every scrap of material I could find from the past - the originals in English, French, German, and a host of other languages that no one but myself and a select few of my colleagues speak, at least in their pure form. But you, how have you learned to speak our language so quickly?” He leaned forward excitedly, smiling at Spin.

It suddenly occurred to me that the two of us had never had trouble speaking, even though language had evolved since his time. I stared at him, puzzled.

He looked at the two of us and shook his head. “Um…I guessed?” he said weakly.

“Fascinating. Perhaps the time travel affects the language centres of your brain, giving you the ability to speak whatever language you come into. Maybe I will get to try it someday.”

Suddenly, Spin’s eyes flashed. “Well, this all seems awfully convenient, doesn’t it?”

“What do you mean,” I asked, taken aback. “I think most of today has been pretty inconvenient, don’t you?”

“And in the end, we find ourselves alone with a man who happens to spend his time studying the past. I bet he’ll have all sorts of wonderful things to say about the prophecy.” The sarcasm dripped from his words.

“What prophecy?”

It was the last thing I expected him to say. I turned to face him. “The prophecy. The one about the chosen one coming from the past to save the future. Or maybe you know about the other prophecy, the one where the hero’s companion would be betrayed and killed.” I glanced guiltily at Spin, who mouthed the words ‘other prophecy’ at me, tilting his head. I had not told him of Dun’s words to me back at the warehouse.

“And these…prophecies…” said Bartleby, an odd expression on his face, “where are they supposed to be found.” He followed my gaze down to the book in front of him. A great sadness fell over his countenance. “There is no prophecy in this book,” he said sadly. “At least, none that we know of. This book has been in the scrivener’s possession for the past fifty years, and thus far, no one has been able to translate anything in it.”

It felt as though I was punched by a snowman. A deep, icy cold settled into the pit of my stomach, making it hard to breath. I couldn’t speak for a long time. My entire life had been a lie.

Spin rallied faster than I did. “How can you be so sure. You’re just some pathetic weirdo who spends way too much time in the dark corner of the basement.”

“This isn’t my only office,” he said. “Being the head of the scriveners worldwide does tend to give one certain privileges.”

Spin collapsed back in his seat, covering his face with his hands. “We’re sitting with the freaking pope,” he moaned.

“Pope? Ah, a quaint term, but quite apropos.”

I felt nothing. A numbness had fallen on me, leaving the world far away. “I…I have to go,” I mumbled, lurching to my feet.

“I can’t escort you out,” said Bartleby, a look of concern on his face. “It is important that I appear to be rather harsh with intruders. If you are caught I may not be able to help you.

“We have our own exit,” I said flatly.

“The tunnel in the Torah room?” At my sharp look, he smiled. “You don’t get to be ‘the freaking pope’ without learning a thing or two. Go, and I will do my best to get people away from that section.”

As we exited the room, I saw Spin run his fingers across the cover of the book one last time. “So you can’t read anything in this book at all.”

“The interior of the book is written in a language no one has ever seen before. The only thing we know for sure is what is written on the cover.”

“Why do you know that?”

“It is written in ancient Aramaic, a language that is beneficial to know at times.”

“What does it say?” I asked, curious despite myself.

Looking at the cover, Bartleby’s voice gained a far away quality. “The truth lies within, for those willing to seek.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 40

2009-06-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

And Yet I Have Nothing Against Clowns

“Are you sure about this plan?” Straw swivelled in his chair, muting the sound on the TV. The late news had just played the ransom video, and as usual, it was a masterpiece. There was a good chance it would be nominated for a villain’s choice award.

“Of course I’m sure,” snapped Thunder. “Why would you think otherwise?”

“It just seems a bit...weak,” replied Straw. He rose to his feet and stepped over the bus driver he had been using for a foot stool. “What’s the end game? Why are you doing all of this? Obviously you aren’t going to get paid any money for this one. Ransoms never work. All it does is make people angry and get heroes sent after you.”

“Ah, but you are missing the larger picture, lad. This plan is not about the monetary gain. It is about image and perception. The ease with which I disrupted their transportation and commerce, followed by the kidnapping of a political leader shows how easy it is for me to wreak any manner of havoc which I choose at any time I choose. People will live in fear because of me.”

Straw sat down, sipping at his cognac. “Okay, that’s fair. When you look at it that way, it makes more sense. Sometimes I forget how big picture you are. I just have one question.”

“And that is?”

“Wait, I lied, it’s actually two questions. First, what is that, and second, how did it get here?” He pointed just behind Thunderfunk’s head at something in the shadows of the cavernous room. Thunder reached out slowly and hit a switch which flooded that cave with light. Sitting on the railing of the TV area was a sock puppet. The same sock puppet that Cornelius J. Breadbuuter’s assistant Tom had been wearing the other day. Only now, there was no hand controlling it.

The puppet did not move, though the googly eyes were moving slightly as though it had recently been in motion. After a long time of not doing nothing, it continued to do nothing.

“Hey Thunder?” whispered Straw.

“Yes?” The giant chicken was whispering back.

“Are you hallucinating right now?”

“I don’t know. Can you see the sock puppet?”

“Yes.”

“Then no, I am not hallucinating.” A pause. “Are you?”

“I don’t usually hallucinate until I’ve had much more to drink.”

The puppet blinked. Actually, it didn’t blink, but it seemed like it should have. It was not natural to go that long without blinking. Thunder finally blinked for it, just to ease his mind. It did not help. “Options?” he inquired of his protege.

“Well, we could cower in fear. Or we could drink until it goes away.”

“Both good options. I vote we cower in fear for a while. I haven’t had a good cower in some time.”

“Agreed.”

Thunder and Straw cowered together as the puppet looked on, laughing menacingly.

Wait, no. The puppet didn’t do anything, but it seemed like it should be laughing menacingly.
Puppets are creepy.

Fools of us All - Chapter 40

2009-06-15T23:31:00.000-07:00

We found ourselves in a large room in the basement. The air was musty and a chill permeated everything we could see. The light was dim, leaving shadows to rule the corners. I shivered under my heavy robe, moaning as my arm throbbed with pain. I was not doing well.

Heavy footfalls sounded nearby and we dove into the darkness, hiding behind a stone pillar. Two guards ran into the room, pausing for a moment before running out again. Once their steps had receded we continued forward to the only source of light in the room. A large book was sitting on a stand underneath a single light. The book was large and looked to be quite ancient. The leatherbound cover had indecipherable phrases etched into it.

We had found it.

Neither one of us wanted to be the first to touch it. It seemed to loom before us, weighing us down with the expectations we had for it. This was the book that had driven Caz’s life, and the book that had plucked me from my own time to a future I should never have seen. We did not speak. We could not speak.

Working up my courage, I stepped forward, a sudden feeling of nausea hitting me. The room spun for a second and I reached out, grabbing the stand to steady myself. When the room had settled down, I took a deep breath, running my fingers across the cover of the book. “The truth lies within, for those willing to seek,” I muttered, feeling the rough cut of the characters and the leather.

“What was that?” asked Caz, whispering, her voice swallowed by the vastness of the room.

“Nothing,” I responded. Cautiously, I turned the cover, half-expecting lightning to strike or for something to come leaping out, but besides it obvious ancient age, it was like any other book I had read. Except it was not in any language I could understand.

I flipped a few more pages, but it was all in the same script, undecipherable. I wondered if it was a language I had seen before because it somehow seemed familiar, but I was not sure why. I glanced over at Caz, expecting her to be reading, but instead she was staring at me.

“Do you know what it says?” she asked.

“No. Do you?”

She shook her head.

Simultaneously, we turned our heads and looked back at the book. “Now what?” she asked, her voice full of pain.

The question became moot when a heavy hand landed on our shoulders. “Now you have some explaining to do,” came a voice from behind us. I glanced at Caz, half expecting to see her tensing for a fight, but instead there was nothing but resignation on her face. And I could not blame her.

We were defeated.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 39

2009-06-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Behind The Scenes

Many hours later, Straw swung his feet around and sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Two more bus drivers, one with his hat stuck firmly on his head, were laying on the floor, bound and gagged. “Sorry guys,” he said sympathetically, stepping over their prone bodies, doing his best to avoid their pleading eyes, “but he’s my boss...” With an apologetic shrug, he stepped into the hall. Seconds later he returned to his room and hastily threw on some clothing.

Running through the halls he finally made his way to the secret lair, skidding to a halt at the computer screens. Leaning forward, he breathed heavily. “Either this house is too big,” he panted, “or I need to lay off the nachos.”

“I would say it is the latter,” said Thunderfunk the Superchicken as he swivelled his chair
around to face his young pilot.

“Geez!” said Straw. “Don’t do that. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“You’ll be happy to report that the plan is well underway. I am just editing the ransom video now.” He turned back to his work. Straw glanced up at the giant screen. Thunderfunk’s face was stopped mid-word, his eyes half closed, proving once again that it was possible to make anyone look like a doofus if the tape is stopped at the right place.

The video began again. “...and upon the payment of the random...shoot. I’m going again. In three, two, one...Good evening people of our fair city. I understand that today was somewhat of a frustrating day for many of you. Perhaps you will rest easier knowing that there are those who are having a much worse day than you. In fact, our mayor may have some thoughts about that.” Thunder rose from his seat and walked to the camera, disappearing from view. Seconds later the shot slowly began to pan. “It is much harder to record these things by oneself,” whispered Thunder as he made notes. The mayor appeared, handcuffed to a chair with a sock stuffed in his mouth and a giant moustache drawn on him in sharpie. From off screen Thunder’s voice continued. “I have captured your mayor and am willing to return him for the princely sum of one billion dollars. Actually, I would prefer one billion and four dollars so that I can purchase a pair of slurpees.” The camera returned to its previous position and Thunder returned to his seat. “And upon the payment of the ransom...”

Straw tuned out the speech, knowing the basics of it without needing to know the details. He walked to the railing that ran around the edge of the computer platform. The room was packed with kidnapped bus drivers, all of them laying extremely quiet and extremely motionless. “Thunder...?” said Straw.

“Oh relax, I just gave them all a mild sedative. It will wear off eventually.”

“Mild?”

“If you’re an elephant. An extremely hyper elephant. Oh wait, what is that? Did that pen move? Who’s in charge of continuity on this thing?” He scribbled more notes furiously.

Noticing the mayor still handcuffed to his chair, Straw headed down and removed the sock from the man’s mouth. “Sorry your honour,” he said. “He’s been in a bit of a funk lately.”

The mayor looked up at the screen. “Hey, it’s the price a mayor has to pay when he allows megalomaniacs to live in his town. But tell me the truth, did I convey the proper sense of fear and concern? I had one take where I really nailed it, but I think he stumbled a bit, so he may not use it.”

“Don’t worry about that, sir. Thunder is quite good at editing these videos. Remember the whole senator incident? I barely had anything to do with that one beyond operating the camera. I swear we did forty takes before he was satisfied with his performance. I thought he was crazy, but it turns out he was...right...” Briefly, Straw wondered what had happened in his life that he could so casually talk about the many kidnappings and extortion schemes in which he had been involved.

Looking down at the mayor, he shrugged to himself. “Meh, beats being a dentist.” With that he stuffed the sock back in the mayor’s mouth and headed up to the computer platform, already planning on the graphics he might add to spice up the video.

Fools of us All - Chapter 39

2009-06-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

I briefly considered leaving him where he had collapsed, but I knew we needed to stay together. I sat down beside him and leaned my head against the wall, closing my eyes, just for a moment…

“Hey, you okay?”

I jerked awake, convinced that I was about to be attacked. Instead it was just Spin standing over me. In the dim light his form wavered unsteadily. Leaping to my feet, I put out a hand, giving him something to hold on to. “I’m fine,” I said. “You’re the one who’s not doing okay.”

“True.” He leaned against the wall. “What’s the plan?”

I pressed myself against the door, looking through the peephole. “They should have given up on finding us by now. We’ll sneak inside and find the prophecy.”

“And then?”

“...I don’t know.”

Thunderfunk, the Superchicken - Chapter 38

2009-06-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

Because Sometimes the Author Gets Busy

Thunderfunk sat back in his chair and surveyed his domain. The plan had started out well and now there were bus drivers scattered everywhere he looked. It was an important first strike!

Straw sat up in bed suddenly, looking around wildly. After a moment he decided nothing was amiss. He laid back down, hoping the bound and gagged bus driver in the corner would quiet down. Cracking one eye open, he stared at the man. Had he been there all night? It was so hard to keep track of...zzzzzz

Mr Penticton narrowed his eyes and took stock of his setting. He had been flung a great distance this time, but he would not be thwarted. Soon he would attack his foe again, and this time, victory would be his. Had he been a person, he would have thrown his head back and laughed. However, being a cat, he instead sat down and licked himself.

Fools of us All - Chapter 38

2009-06-01T21:35:00.001-07:00

The next few hours were a haze of motion. The beating I had received combined with the action of avoiding hordes of angry scriveners and their well armed guards to keep me in a state of near collapse. Finally we found ourselves in a room that I did not recognise, but which Caz moved confidently. A nearly naked man was sitting in the corner, rubbing his head. I winced as Caz walked over to him and punched him in the face. He slumped over silently.

With a near silent hiss, a giant round door suddenly swung open. Waving me forward, Caz disappeared into the dark opening. I followed, and the door shut behind me, leaving us in inky darkness.

Either that or I passed out. I’m not completely sure on the details.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 37

2009-05-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

Different Perspective

Jerry laid back and sighed heavily. How had his life come to this? When he was younger he had had dreams and aspirations like anyone else. He had wanted to be a dinosaur. And then, when he got older and someone explained how these things worked, he had decided to spend his life digging for and studying dinosaurs. He would have succeeded in his goal too if only he hadn’t decided to dig for the creatures using dynamite. That particular method was not appreciated, it would seem.

Afterwards, he started to drift from job to job, never quite able to settle into anything permanent. His love life had also suffered, leading him to conclude that women just didn’t like him. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that women did like him and all wished that he were dating...someone else. Most mornings, Jerry woke up bitter.

Now, he was driving busses for a living, something he had always vowed he would never do as he hated busses. Of course, today he wasn’t driving the bus. He had been, earlier in the day. Everything had been normal at his first stop, but when he got to his second stop, a giant chicken had boarded, knocked him on the head and then dragged him away. Now he was tied up, laying on the floor in the kitchen. A few minutes ago, a young man had entered the room and kicked him in the stomach as he stepped over his prone body. Likely, the kick had been accidental as the kid hadn’t seemed to notice that there were a few people tied up on the floor. He must have had a wicked hangover. Soon after, the young man had left, leaving the kidnapped bus drivers alone in the dark.

Sighing again, Jerry closed his eyes and smiled. It was nice to have an extra day off of work.

Fools of us All - Chapter 37

2009-05-18T23:26:00.000-07:00

I reacted as I had been trained, without thought, without emotion. The scriveners were smart people, but they had grown soft in their intellectual pursuits, which is why they kept armed guards on the premises. However, there were no guards in the room, so there was little opposition. Soon the remaining scriveners were lying on the ground, groaning.

Spin looked up at me and grinned. “I think I’m starting to like it here. They’re even fighting over the right to kill me. Does a man’s ego good to be so wanted.” He laid his head back and closed his eyes. “Okay, go ahead.”

“It’s me, idiot,” I hissed at him, throwing back my hood.

One eye opened and looked around until it spotted me. As soon as it did, he seemed to deflate. “Oh thank heavens,” he said without any of his bravado. “If that machine had started, I would have peed my pants, and that is not how I want to die.”

Briefly, I considered leaving him where he was, but at his pleading look I relented and unstrapped him. Helping him to his feet, I realised just how much bigger than me he truly was. “Can you walk on your own?” I asked as I struggled with his bulk.

He sat down in the chair, cradling his arm. “Give me a minute,” he said. “I think I’ll be okay.”

“Good.” I reached down and stripped the robe off of the tallest scrivener I could find, tossing it to him. “Put this on. And this as well.” I handed him the silver cross I had just removed from the now disrobed scrivener. “It’s like an all access pass.”

Seconds later, we were standing beside each other when the door burst open and a pair of guards rushed in. “What’s going on here, brothers?”

I was about to answer when I remembered that there were no female scriveners, so I nudged Spin instead. Luckily, he seemed to catch on. “The prisoner escaped,” he said. “He left the room a moment ago.”

One guard left the room while the other began looking around. “He must be strong,” he said, sounding impressed.

“Oh yes, extremely. Crafty too. And somewhat handsome, if I do say so myself.” I rolled my eyes and poked Spin in the side again, encouraging him to stop talking. Once again, he caught my meaning and fell silent. I hoped the guard would leave soon, but instead he stationed himself by the door.

One more time, I nudged Spin. He turned to look at me from under his hood. I jerked my head towards the door. “Uh, well, I guess we should be going now,” he said.

“Oh no, you can’t leave,” replied the guard. “You are witnesses and you have to tell us what you know.”

“I, that is we, don’t know anything. We, uh, we weren’t looking at the time. I think that’s why he left us alone.”

The guard eyed us suspiciously. “You know, you seem nervous. And your friend hasn’t said anything at all.” He moved to stand directly in front of us. “What are you hiding.”

“This,” I replied, throwing back my hood. As he stood in shock, I jumped into the air and delivered a perfect spinning jump kick, catching him in the jaw. He crumpled to the ground like a sack of potatoes. I turned to Spin and hit him in his good arm. “All you had to do was tell him we needed to get to the medic and he would have let us go.”

Spin merely shrugged. “I know. I just wanted to see you kick someone in the head again. It’s so cool.”

I put my head back up to hide the fury in my eyes. “You’re going to see it up close if you’re not careful.” We headed to the door, peeking out make sure the coast was clear. “Besides,” I whispered, “what if I had punched him?”

“That’s okay,” he replied. “It’s equally cool.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 36

2009-05-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

He Might Miss His Transfer

Straw yawned, stopping midway to rub his aching head. He smacked his lips a few times, trying to get the mothballs out of his mouth. Slowly he swung his feet around and sat on the edge of his bed, wondering how he ended up there. His last memory was of downing an entire bottle of alcohol. Thunder must have carried him to his room to sleep off the booze. Now he was awake and sore. Carefully shielding his eyes from the evil of 60 watt light bulbs, Straw stumbled out of his room and headed for the kitchen to grab a large glass of water and some aspirin. He nodded distractedly at the man in the hall.

Taking the largest glass he could find, he filled it with water and downed it immediately and then refilled it. Stepping over a prone body he went to the cupboard where they kept the aspirin. Pouring a few into his hand he put them in his mouth one at a time and swallowed each with a large swig of water, making a face in between each pill, wondering if he would ever get over his aversion to swallowing them.

Heading to the fridge, he rummaged through, looking for something fresh and sweet to munch on, settling on an apple. Straightening up, he turned around slowly, shutting the fridge door with his foot. Taking a large bite, he chewed thoughtfully, wondering idly why anyone would want to sit in the kitchen while tied up. He headed out of the room, planning to lay down for a nap.

All thoughts of sleep left him when he realised what he had seen. Sticking his head back into the kitchen, he saw with increasing horror that there were six unhappy looking men in the room, each held immobile by ropes and various restraints. They were all gagged and unable to speak, though a few had made frantic noises as best they could under the circumstances. With a sinking feeling, Straw wandered around the house, finding various men and women in mixed states of consciousness strewn around the house like an upturned box of lego.

Heading down to the secret lair, Straw found it hard to get past all of the bodies on the stairs. Finally reaching the large room, he looked with dismay at all of the people there. Just then Thunderfunk came in carrying a women over his shoulder. Dropping her none to gently to the ground, he greeted his ward with a serious nod and turned to leave.

“Thunder, what in the world is going on?!” cried out Straw in dismay.

Pausing, Thunderfunk the Superchicken looked over his shoulder. “Why, the plan, of course.” He stepped out of the room, and then poked his head back inside. “I’d stay out of the bathroom, by the way. There are more bus drivers in this city than I thought.” And with that he was gone.

Straw didn’t move for a long time, ignoring the pleading looks from the few drivers who were awake. With a heavy sigh, he turned and headed back for bed. This was too much to handle with a hangover.

Fools of us All - Chapter 36

2009-05-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

Rough hands grabbed me under the arms and dragged me from the room. I was too numb to feel the pain anymore, but for some reason my mind would not let me fall into the comforting darkness I could feel at the edge of my consciousness. It felt like we were on the move for a long time before we finally entered a room and I was thrown into a reclining chair. I looked around and noticed a bed beside the chair, the kind with clamps to hold people down. Vaguely curious, I wondered if I was destined to lie there some day.

The thought of where I might end up left me rapidly when someone grabbed my arm and yanked. I think I screamed before I blacked out.

When I came to I was surrounded by men wearing robes, much like the one I had stolen earlier. They were all facing me, not saying a thing. Their faces were lost in shadow, covered by their hoods. Finally one spoke.

“Tell us, why did you attempt to access the archives in such a stealthy manner? Everyone is free to come and learn from the sacred relics and holy tomes here.” The other hoods bobbed slightly in agreement.

I glanced down at my arm, happy to see that the bone was no longer protruding, but wishing that the numbness of before would return. Pain radiated up and down my arm, making focusing on anything difficult.

“Come now, young man, there is no benefit to hiding anything from us. We are the guardians of the truth. We wish you no harm.”

That solicited a short bark of bitter laughter from me. “Then what do you call this,” I asked, indicating my arm, “a free trip to Disneyland?” I closed my eye for a moment, briefly considering passing out again, but someone reached out and squeezed my arm, causing me to gasp in pain and denying me the comfort of sleep.

“Do not mock us lightly,” came a new voice, this one deeper and angrier. “We wish to help, but if you continue to fight us we will have no choice but to brand you an enemy, and our enemies rarely prosper.” The menace in his voice was only heightened by the dark shadow his hood cast over his face.

I shook my head, trying to shake some of the cobwebs out, to clear my head for a moment. “Listen, dude,” I said through clenched teeth, “I’m sorry I hit your guy on the head, but I thought the building was closed to everyone who wasn’t a monk and I was curious, okay?” One of the robed men at the end of the table seemed to jerk back when I said that. Leaning over to the man beside him, he whispered a few words and then left the room. Another one of the monks let his shoulders slump for a moment, his hand disappearing into his robe like he was rubbing his eyes or something similar to that. The rest of them stepped back from the chair and started to converse excitedly among themselves.

Suddenly the door was thrown open and a very dignified looking older gentleman stepped through. He was wearing a similar robe to the others, but his hood was down. He regarded me seriously for a long time as the others fell silent. Tired of the silence and of not knowing what was going on, I started to shoot off my mouth. “That’s interesting,” I said sarcastically, “you are actually so ugly that the hood is scared of your face.”

A faint smile touched his lips. “Well said, lad,” he commented mildly, stepping closer to get a good look at me. “I can see you still have some spunk left in you. That is good to see.” He motioned to one of the others who began opening the clamps on the table, moving it to a proper height. Another monk brought over the machine that had been sitting in the corner. As it moved closer, it began to look much more menacing. I swallowed hard and then screamed with pain as they roughly grabbed me and moved me to the table.

Once my screaming had quieted and I was properly strapped down, the hoodless monk leaned close to me. “For future reference, ‘dude’,” he said, the word sounding unfamiliar to his lips, “when you time travel, you should do a better job of learning the language and customs of the time you visit. There haven’t been ‘monks’ in the world for hundreds of years. They call us scriveners now.”

“And what does that make you? Bartleby?”

His eyebrows raised in surprise. “I am impressed,” he said. “Alas, what we do now must be done.” He turned to address the others. “Brothers, the ancient prophesy is in fact true, and as such, we all know our parts. The prophesied one must be destroyed, as it was foretold.” He turned to face the machine, watching with interest as it was turned on and positioned over my head. I was so distracted that I almost missed the loud grunt and whoosh of air as one of the scriveners randomly kicked another one in the gut, followed by a sharp punch to the jaw, sending him flying into a wall where he slumped to the ground.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 35

2009-04-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

Best. Plan. Ever.

“Very well,” said Thunderfunk the Superchicken. He settled back in his chair and steepled his fingers in front of him in a manner that he desperately hoped conveyed evil. “My plan is to first kidnap half of the city’s bus drivers. While they are helpless, the hapless citizens of this town will be forced to miss bus after bus, thus creating confusion and economic troubles as businesses will have trouble remaining open when their staff cannot come to work. I will then provide staff to take up the slack at the bus company, but unbeknownst to the transportation company, the drivers I provide will be evil, concentrating on rudeness and tardiness, as well as getting lost and, perhaps, some minor kidnapping.

“Speaking of kidnapping, I will kidnap the mayor and demand an exorbitant ransom. I realise that the ransom will not be payed, but that is fine as the real goal is to show how weak the city government is. Afterwards I will release the mayor in a public place, but completely naked to further humiliate him.

“And finally, in the confusion, I will rob a bank.” He smiled confidently, already planning on where he would spend the money.

Straw stood up and left the room. He went back to the sitting room and grabbed the open bottle of Manzanilla. He took it back to the lair and stared at Thunder, who was looking quite pleased with himself. Opening the bottle, Straw downed the entire thing in one long pull. As he felt the warmth of the alcohol beginning to spread across his body, Straw smiled. “Unbelievable,” he said before passing out.

Thunder looked at his protege. What in the world could that mean? he wondered.

Fools of us All - Chapter 35

2009-04-27T22:45:00.000-07:00

I hesitated for a long time in that room. I think there was a part of me that did not want to discover the truth. It would have been much easier to head back into the tunnels and forget. Forget Spin, forget prophecies, and just forget everything. I could stay in the tunnels, discover the story behind them. I could just…forget.

I found myself standing in front of the hidden door, my hand stretched out, hovering inches from the hidden latch. I stood there for a long time, unable to see anything but the pattern on the wall, unable to hear anything beyond the sound of my own breath. I still don’t know what I was planning on doing.

Before I had a chance to make a decision, my leg twitched. The pain that was always present where my artificial leg joined with my natural leg suddenly spiked, a jolt of pain that drove me to one knee. As I knelt there gasping, something Spin said echoed in my head. “Does it hurt every time?” he had asked when I cut open my leg to show him the circuits beneath the surface. I had nodded, but it occurred to me now that I had never shown anyone before him. I don’t think anyone in the organisation was aware of my injury. I had known them for a long time, but for some reason, Spin was the only one I had trusted with my secret.

When the pain had returned to its normal dull throbbing that I pushed to the background, I rose to my feet and sighed. As much as I wanted to run and hide, I wanted to know the truth even more. I also knew I could not abandon Spin. He was connected to all of this somehow.

I turned suddenly, afraid that that if I waited any longer I would change my mind again. I crept to the door, feeling foolish when I remembered I was alone in the room, distracting myself enough that I forgot about the sensor, causing the door to swish open, leaving me face to face with the shortest cleric I have ever seen. He was an inch shorter than me, and his short red beard was peppered with flecks of grey. The hood of his robe was down, letting me see the surprise in his blue eyes as I punched him in the face and dragged his limp body into the room.

Moments later I was dressed in a stolen robe, glad that the unconscious cleric had decided to wear pants today. I looked at him laying on the ground, transfixed by the heavy cross that hung from his neck. Finally I reached down and removed it from his neck, examining it closer. There appeared to be a seam along the side. I tugged at the two halves, eventually popping it open to reveal some intricate circuitry housed within. Snapping it shut, I hung the cross around my own neck, tucking it beneath the robe.

I headed back to the door and headed into the hallway, making sure the hood was up to obscure my markedly more feminine face. I wandered the halls for a while, completely lost, unsure of what to do. I nodded at a few other clerics but avoided any conversation. I felt lost and uncertain.

“The young man’s clothing was strange somehow,” came a hushed voice from around the corner. I came to a sudden stop, turning to look at the wall, relieved that there was actually something to gaze at, a picture of some sort. I waited, holding my breath, listening to the conversation.

“He had stolen Boul’s robe and tried to sneak inside, but was caught by the guards.”

“I suppose,” came a second voice, “the guards did their usual ‘gentle’ job of enforcement.” The sarcasm was hard to miss.

My heart leapt to my throat - Spin! What did you do with him? It took everything I had not to scream the question aloud. But it was as though they heard me. “They’re holding him down in the cells until they decide what to do with him.” I don’t know what else they said as I was hurrying to the stairs I had noticed before. It didn’t take me long to reach the detention level.

I took a deep breath and exited the stairwell, finding myself in a dimly lit hall, lined with heavy looking doors. A guard stood near the door, looking surprised at its sudden opening. His gun was half out of its holster when he noticed it was what he thought was one of the clerics who was allowed to be here. “Come to see the oddity, have you?” he asked.

Resisting the urge to lash out and bloody his smirking face, I merely nodded. He motioned to the end of the hall and I calmly made my way past him to the indicated door. I looked in and had to stop myself from staggering back in horror.

The only light in the room came from the small barred window in the door. The shaft of dim light revealed a pathetic looking figure huddled on the floor. The young man shifted slightly and I gasped quietly. Spin’s face looked out at me through a maze of bruises, ugly welts underneath dried blood. One eye was swollen completely shut. I suppose the sight of a faceless hood peering into his cell was enough to frighten him because he whimpered and crawled back.

“Spin,” I whispered, glancing sidelong at the guard who was only half-watching, seemingly bored with his duty. “Spin, come here.”

A quizzical expression crossed Spin’s pain filled face. I motioned for him to come and he finally gathered the strength of will to give in to his curiosity. Staggering to his feet, he made his way across the room to the door. I took a deep breath and swallowed the bile that rose in my throat at the sight of his severely broken arm, the bone sticking out through the skin. He stumbled and landed heavily against the door, his face pressed against the bars.

“Spin, it’s me,” I whispered, pulling my hood back just far enough for him to recognise my face.

“Caz?” he mumbled.

“Shh. Look, I can’t take you out of here right now, but I won’t forget about you. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Just hold on.” I reached my hand into the room and held his face. “Do you understand me?”

His eyes slowly cleared up and understanding filled them. He nodded once. “Hurry,” he breathed, slowly sinking out of sight.

In shock, I stepped back and took a deep breath to steady my nerves. I turned and headed back to the door. As I passed the guard he shook his head. “Always trying to give hope, eh brother?”

The scorn in his voice almost made me snap, but instead I walked by, banging through the door, pausing in the empty stairwell to shed a few tears for my friend.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 34

2009-04-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

Things Unfurled

Finally able to usher his guest out the door, Thunderfunk watched Mrs. Henderson walk down the lane until she disappeared out of sight. He then rushed to his bank of monitors so he could be sure that she actually left the premises without waiting around to ambush him again. Satisfied that she was well on her way to her own dwelling, he sank into a tall leather chair, sighing with relief. “Straw!” he shouted.

“What!” shouted his protege from six inches behind his chair, nearly causing Thunder to chunder all over the expensive Persian rug that hung on the opposite wall.

Turning to the young man who was whistling innocently, Thunder wiped his mouth. “First, you will bring me a sherry. Second, clean up this mess!” He stormed away to his lair to brood. Or possibly to plan. Or perhaps he would do both - he was in that type of mood today. He just wished the lair had a door he could slam.

Straw laughed to himself as he walked to the liquor cabinet to get the bottle of Manzanilla that had been purchased the day before. Pouring two glasses, he sipped from one as he carried the other down to where Thunder sat in his brooding chair, his long, feathered finger tapping regularly on the arm of the chair. Handing the full glass to Thunder, Straw turned to leave, expecting to repeat this process a few times throughout the rest of the evening. Instead, he stopped when Thunder began to speak.

“I have our next plan in place.” His voice was low and full of menace.

Turning back, Straw raised an eyebrow. “Really?” he asked.

“Of course. What did you think, that I would not have a plan in place?”

Straw shrugged. “It’s just that you’re not in your planning chair.”

“Pfft. Planning chair. Need I remind you that I am Thunderfunk, the Superchicken? I need no chair to plan!” He rose to his feet as he spoke, waving his arms and pacing magnanimously. I’m not sure how one does that, but apparently it is possible. “I am the one who has defeated superheroes around the world, rendering them powerless and helpless yet keeping them alive to complete their humiliation! I have fought battles against foes that thought they were my superiors only to find themselves vastly overmatched by my intellect and cunning! I have struck terror into the hearts of governments and business leaders throughout the world! Even those men who dare to call themselves evil quake in the shadow of my presence!! And you dare to presume that I need a special seating arrangement in order to formulate my dastardly plans. Rather be grateful that I do not choose to destroy you on a whim!” Finished his rant, he seated himself heavily once again.

Smiling inwardly, Straw noted that the giant fowl had sat down in a different chair - the chair in which he sat to make plans. Sometimes minor obsessive compulsiveness could be fun to watch. “My mistake,” he said mildly in a tone he had perfected for mollifying his boss. Once again, it worked.

“Don’t let it happen again,” threatened Thunder, the closest he ever came to apologising. “Now, let me explain my plan.”

Straw listened intently to the detailed steps that were laid out by his employer, where listening intently is understood to mean “listened enough to know where to nod and say things such as ‘uh-uh’, or ‘yeah’, or to chuckle politely if need be”. Meanwhile, he was busy texting the guard at the front of the building, telling him to get the mess in the sitting room cleaned up before it hardened into modern art. Disgusting, disgusting modern art. Also, Mrs. Henderson was not allowed on the grounds for the rest of the night.

Suddenly, the meat of what Thunder was explaining managed to worm its way into Straw’s consciousness, nearly causing him to drop his phone. “Wait, what?” he exclaimed, interrupting Thunder mid-rant. To shocked to speak, the giant chicken instead stared at the young man. “Can you explain the plan again,” requested Straw, an uneasy feeling settling in the pit of his stomach. “I think I need to hear this.”

Fools of us All - Chapter 34

2009-04-20T20:29:00.001-07:00

Where I was laying was cold and hard. A musky scent filled my nostrils, an aroma of mould and dampness, cobwebs and mud, fear and death. My cheek against the surface it was contacting, and I could taste blood.
Alone, scared and in pain, I wept. And then I let the darkness claim me once again.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 33

2009-04-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

Then Again...

Five hours later, Thunder glanced at his watch and sighed. This woman sure could talk.

Fools of us All - Chapter 33

2009-04-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

I crouched by the door, the answer to one of my many questions about these underground tunnels finally answered. There was a small panel near the bottom of the door that could be moved aside and used to view the room beyond the door discretely. Given the extremely secret nature of the tunnels, I knew there had to be a way to avoid opening the door to a room full of people, so when I finally reached the door that I seemed to fit with the distance and the direction of the archives I spent a good long time examining the inside of the door in the dim light until I found what I was looking for.

Now I was looking into a room that was sparsely decorated. A thick carpet with an intricate pattern covered the floor from wall to wall. A small table was in the middle of the room flanked by two uncomfortable looking chairs on either side. The chairs were of archaic wooden design with high backs, arms, and a firm white cushioning on the seat. Two of the walls had objects hung on them, but I was at the wrong angle to see what exactly was there. The wall across from me was blank save for the door, a typical bronze metal slab that would slide into the wall when it sensed someone nearing the door. After waiting for a long time to make sure the room was not occupied, or a busy area of the archives, it suddenly occurred to me that I had never been in the archives and I had no way of knowing for sure that this was the building I was looking for. I sat back on my haunches, suddenly uncertain of myself.

Deciding that there was only one way to find out for sure, I pushed the latch to open the door, holding my breath and hoping that whatever had locked the previous door had not caused this door to freeze as well.

With a soft click, the door popped open a fraction of an inch. Cautiously I pushed on it, swinging it far enough on its hinges to allow me passage into the room. I closed the door behind me, mentally noting its location in case I needed to exit the way I came. Once again I was amazed at how seamless the doors were once they closed.

Turning, I spent a moment exploring the room more closely, though it was so small that it only took a few moments. On the wall there were pages from an ancient book sealed in glass cases, presumably to keep them from disintegrating or being destroyed some way. In the corner there was a stand with a book open to the middle. Something about it held my attention for what was probably longer than was safe, though I could not say why as I could not read the tiny script the was scrawled there. Finally tearing myself away from the book, I approached the door, stopping short of the sensor, keeping it closed. I glanced over my shoulder at the book one more time, suddenly convinced that I was in the right building.

I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do now.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 32

2009-04-10T10:05:00.000-07:00

Surely, Indeed.

The doorbell rang, echoing through the empty halls of the massive house. Thunderfunk glanced around for a moment and then hunched over his desk again, concentrating at the task at hand. Straw would answer it he was sure.

But the doorbell sounded once more, this time sounding more insistent. Thunder looked up again, wondering where his partner was. When the bell rang a third time, he sighed heavily, as though the weight of the world was on his shoulders and rose to his feet to make the long walk to the front door. By the time he reached the door, the doorbell had rang twice more. Opening the door, he stared down at his caller and greeted them with an icy “What?”

That was the intention, anyway, but before he had a chance to say anything he found a casserole dish shoved into his hands, accompanied with a warning of “be careful dear, it’s hot.” As he was quickly finding somewhere to put the scalding dish down, Mrs Henderson was entering his house, chattering away, heading towards his sitting room. Straw showed up just then and Thunder shoved the food into his helpers hands before trailing his elderly neighbour down the hall. “I know you are a busy man,” she was saying, “so I cooked you a meal to ensure you are eating properly at least some of the time.”

“Mrs. Henderson,” said Thunder, exasperated by the woman, “I can assure you that my nutritional needs are well met by my current eating habits, and that I do not need your assistance...” his voice trailed off. Though he had been only steps behind her, somehow she had lt a fire and settled in to do some knitting before he entered the room.

“What was that dearie?” she asked. “You’ll have to speak up. My hearing isn’t what it once was you know.” She smiled warmly and continued her knitting, making what appeared to be a scarf.

Rubbing the bridge of his beak, Thunder took a moment to collect his thoughts. “Mrs. Henderson...” he began, only to be cut off by her shocked gasp.

“Why Thunder,” she exclaimed, “whatever happened to your head. You’ve been hurt!”

Confused, Thunder reached up and felt his head, only remembering when he felt the bandages of the latest attack on his person. “That,” he said tersely, “was your cat.”

“Mr Pentiction? Oh I don’t think so.” She shook her head. “He is a very calm cat. He doesn’t go around attacking people. Do you Mr Pentiction?” Her cat crawled out of her massive bag and jumped up onto her lap, stretching and purring as she petted him, scratching behind his ears. He gave Thunder a look of pure malice for a moment before settling down for a nap on his owners lap. His tail continued to twitch, mocking Thunder’s discomfort.

“That cat is a psycho,” muttered Thunder.

“Food’s on,” announced Straw as he entered the room carrying three plates heaped with the steaming casserole that Mrs. Henderson had provided.

“Oh no thanks,” she said with a smile. “I ate earlier and am not hungry. But you go ahead.” She continued her knitting.

“Okay,” replied the young man. “Thunder?” He offered a plate to his boss who merely grimaced and pushed it away. Shrugging, Straw settled down and began eating enthusiastically.

“And how are you doing, young man?” asked Mrs. Henderson, smiling affectionately at Straw.

“I’m doing fine,” he replied. “And I have to say, this is fantastic. I love it!” He shoved another spoonful into his mouth.

“Thank you dear. I’m glad you like it.” She put down her knitting and pet Mr Pentiction some more. “You know, my niece knows how to make this meal as well. In fact she is quite a master chef in her own right. You should meet her some day.”

“Mrs. Henderson,” interjected Thunderfunk. “I’m afraid we must cut this short as Straw and I are very busy.”

“Oh stuff it, Thunder.” Straw glared briefly at his boss. “I want to hear this.” He turned back to face their neighbour. “So, she can cook, can she?”

Looking back and forth at the two others sitting in his house, Thunder slowly sank into an easy chair, wondering where he had gone wrong in his life to deserve this. “Oh right, the evil,” he muttered under his breath. Placing a look of indifference on his face, he settled back to await the eventual end of this inane conversation. Surely it could not last long.

Fools of us All - Chapter 32

2009-04-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

I stared at the door, or rather, at the space where the door had been. Closed, it was invisible with no seams to betray its presence, which helped explain how these doors had remained a secret for so long. For a long time I waited for Caz to reopen to door and let me into the tunnel, but aside from the occasional dull thud from the other side, nothing happened. It finally dawned on me that I was, at least for the moment, utterly alone.

Turning slowly, I faced the religious archives again. Moments ago they had looked impressive, but now, oppressive was a better word. The building seemed to loom over me, growing bigger and angrier before my eyes. I blinked hard, and when I looked again, the building had returned to its normal, grandiose proportions.

Sitting with my back against the door, I pondered my situation. The plan had been to break into the religious archives to find the original prophecy and maybe to figure out what was going on at all instead of spending our time being jerked around by whoever had the strongest chain. Assuming that there was no real way to get the door back open, my best guess was that Caz would continue with the plan and come back for me later. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes, hoping that she would be quick about it and get me soon. I was only sorry that I was not going to get inside.

But why shouldn’t I get to see inside? This whole prophecy mess involved me too, after all. I cracked open one eye and regarded the building for a long moment before rising to my feet. Surely, it couldn’t be that hard to get inside. Why would the religious archives be guarded heavily? It didn’t really make much sense. I stepped towards the mouth of the alley, stopping abruptly. My clothes would make me stand out like a sore thumb. Thus far I had only been out on the streets when there was no one around. But now it was the middle of the day, and I could hear plenty of traffic in the direction of the archives. I glanced around the alleyway, but I could tell that there was nothing there that could help me - just piles of garbage and dirt.

That’s when something that Caz had said came to mind. She had told me that she ignored the bad things around her. That was no fresh attitude - even in my day people would step over the homeless without noticing or offering to help. People only saw what they wanted to see, and no one wanted to see a problem.

Thinking about what Caz was wearing, I looked down at my outfit. Even though the past few days had been difficult, I was still too clean. No one would believe I was homeless. With some regret, I began to strategically ruin my clothes. I rolled around in some of the filth and muck that was in abundant supply in the alley. I rubbed my face with dirt, getting it in my hair. I tore my pants and shirt in a few places, making them look ragged and threadbare as best I could under the circumstances. I took off one sock and threw it away, walking around barefoot for a bit to dirty up my feet. I rubbed a bit of dirt onto my shoes, but they didn’t need too much work to look beat up. I had been meaning to buy new shoes for a while now but hadn’t quite gotten around to them. I tried to buy new shoes every three or four years if I could and I was about due.

Finally I looked at myself in a dull piece of metal that I found. In short order I had managed to take myself from somewhat grungy man from the past to filthy homeless man of the present (which was actually my future), and something I had rolled in definitely made me smell like I hadn’t bathed in a while. I tried breathing through my mouth to avoid gagging myself.

With newfound confidence, I shuffled forward, doing my best to not walk to swiftly or with too much purpose, instead trying to look as though I were just happy to survive. I even looked through the some of the garbages, amazed at what people threw out.

Soon I found myself in front of the archives. From across the street, I sat down and watched the comings and goings of various people. Everyone who tried to go in was forced to go through a series of security checks that included some sort of card and what I could only guess was fingerprint controls or some sort of biometric scan.

And then, much to my surprise, a pair of monks in long robes with hoods up that hid their faces walked straight through, completely bypassing the scans and receiving only a cursory glance from the security guards stationed at the gate. I wasn’t sure whether to smile or shake my head in disbelief. Instead, I got to work.

Moments later I was in a secluded alley, struggling into a brown robe and standing over a young man who was now sporting a nasty goose egg on his head and not much else. I just hoped the young monk would be okay, but not until after I got out. I hesitated over the cross he wore on a chain around his neck. It had been under the robe, and the other monks I had seen weren’t wearing it, so I figured it was just a personal bit of jewellery. I decided to leave it on him, hoping that if anyone came across his body they would recognise him as a holy man and not hurt him any further. Or maybe that was what I told myself to assuage my guilt.

I stepped out of the alley and flipped up the hood, slowly making my way towards the imposing building yet again. A few other monks were ahead of me and they entered without problem. As I neared the gates, I panicked somewhat, deathly worried that they would shoot me the second I was in range. Instead, I received the same courtesy nod and was allowed to proceed. Breathing a deep sigh of relief, I continued.

Walking up the steps to the main entrance, I tried to act like I had been there before, neither rushing to get inside nor looking around at everything like some sort of tourist. Upon entering the building, I blinked a few times to get used to the dim light before noticing that someone was standing in front of me, motioning me to follow him. Without a word, he turned and strode off.

Mentally shrugging, I followed him, hoping he wasn’t going to ask me many questions. He, in fact, only had one question, but I did not like it one little bit. We entered a darkened room and he looked at me scornfully. “Did you think we were stupid?” he sneered. Someone behind me pulled down my hood as the lights were snapped on to reveal ten very large men.

And they looked angry with me.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 31

2009-04-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

You Can Totally See The Tail

His muscles were taut, ready to spring into action, but there was no hurry in his movements. He waited patiently, judging his timing perfectly, creeping forward in the tall grass, barely causing so much as a single blade of grass to bow at his movement. He knew where to place each step for maximum efficiency. His prey would not hear him coming. This time would be different.

He bared his teeth slightly as thoughts of previous encounters crossed his mind. Many times before, he had stalked this prey, and many times he had been defeated. But each defeat left him more hungrier...more hungry...hungri.... Each defeat made him more determined to succeed.

As he neared the house, a sound caused him to freeze. His prey had returned to nest, leaving it ripe for the plucking. Slowly, cautiously, he approached the breach in the perimeter that allowed him entrance into the house. It was fortunate that the crack had not been plugged, but that luck could not continue. He must succeed soon before his opportunity passed forever.

In the dim light he had to blink a few times to regain his vision, but even in the darkness he could see well enough. He licked his chops in anticipation. Carefully he proceeded, soon finding himself within sight of the objective. Behind the scantest of cover, he paused, waiting for the perfect moment, the moment when a distraction would take his prey’s attention away and...

...NOW!

With lightning quickness, he sprang, leaping through the air, pulling back his sharp weapons for the killing blow. He couldn’t help himself - an animalistic howl tore itself from his throat as he hurtled through the air, poised to strike a killing blow.

* * *

Thunderfunk sighed heavily and reached up, pulling his neighbours cat from the top of his head where it had attached itself. A few feathers and patches of skin stayed connected to the cat, causing him some discomfort. “How do you continue to gain entrance Mr Penticton?” he asked the cat as it hissed and clawed at him. Not expecting a response, he loaded the struggling creature into what Straw had come to call the Kitty Cannon and pressed the firing button. “And how do you keep surviving?” he mused to no one in particular, which was probably wise as there was no one around to hear him.

Fools of us All - Chapter 31

2009-03-31T00:34:00.000-07:00

“Cool.”

The lack of awe and the eager anticipation in Spin’s voice irked me almost as much as his little smile. Obviously he had no understanding of the difficulty of the mission ahead of us. Luckily I was able to keep a clearer perspective. “Okay, I think I’ve got it,” I said testily. “We can head back down.”

As I had half expected, Spin resisted. “Why bother?” he asked, taking a step outside of the tunnel door. He turned and shivered slightly. “I need to see the sunshine, at least for a little while. It’s so dark and grim down there.”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s not much better up here,” I snapped. “The world sucks, Spin, and there isn’t much we can do about it. No one’s happy anymore, no one’s satisfied. People live, work, and die, and that’s it. If you’re lucky, you don’t lose your job and you can die with some dignity, but most of us get thrown out on the street at the slightest provocation, and that’s the end of that.”

A sceptical look replaced the grin. “It can’t be that bad,” he said naively, crossing his arms and leaning against a wall. The tunnel door had opened at the end of a dead end alleyway which happened to frame the religious archival building perfectly. I was starting to get nervous about being spotted.

I was also getting angry with my new friend. “Look at me,” I said, indicating my clothing. My pants were ripped, my shoes had holes in them, and my sweater was dirty, ragged and threadbare, barely covering my grimy t-shirt that was underneath. My hair hadn’t been washed since before this entire ordeal began and was cut unevenly from doing it myself without a mirror a couple of weeks ago. “I’m not atypical. And, as we’ve just discovered, I’m not even the worst that the world has to offer.” I waved my hand at the tunnel. “There’s a whole world down there that is worse off than me!” I put my hands on my hips. “Now are you coming, or do I have to drag you back down the tunnel!”

He regarded me seriously for a long time before half-turning to gaze at the archival building. “If it’s so bad, if nothing can be changed, then what are we doing?” he finally asked.

“We are…” I began, but I couldn’t find an answer. “I don’t know,” I finally said miserably. “I guess I just want answers, even if they don’t change anything. The past year has kept changing, and each change has been worse than before. A year ago I had a small apartment, a cat, a job, friends, and a regular life. Sure, I ignored most of the bad things that were around me, but I had succeeded. I could afford to have an actual marker at my father’s grave instead of number.

“And then someone snatched the rug right out from under my feet and I found myself living on the street, eating worse food than my cat could catch on its own, struggling to survive, only to find out that things were worse than I thought. I find a family but have to start fighting everything I once held dear because it was all built on a lie!” The words were tumbling out of me. I knew I should stop, that every moment exposed was another moment closer to discovery and death, but it was as though I was no longer in control.

“And then, just when I think that I am doing fine again, that I have purpose, I am told that there is this goddamned prophecy about me suddenly everyone I know is killed because of it. And to top it all off, after risking my life and nearly dying to get you here, I find out that everything I knew was a lie, that everyone I knew was a lie.”

The words stopped suddenly and my mouth snapped shut with an audible click. I was breathing hard, clenching my jaw to keep the tears at bay. I had cried enough. “I just need to know some truth, any truth, even if it’s hard to accept.”

Spin turned to look at me again. “Fair enough,” he said mildly. He took a step towards the tunnel, and then stopped. “Just give me another second,” he said, turning to look at the building again, and to breathe the fresh air deeply. “What’s that beeping sound?” he wondered aloud.

I was curious as well. A soft beeping had started, quickening pace as it rang. I looked around, finally letting my eyes rest on the door, which had swung inwards to rest against the tunnel wall. I stepped over to it, placing my ear against it before stepping further into the tunnel so I could look behind it at the wall. “I think it’s coming from the door,” I said, slightly disappointed that there was no corresponding light as I had expected, though why there would be I was not sure.

“I wonder what it means,” mused Spin. As though it were waiting for that exact phrase, the door suddenly slammed shut, moving faster than I had thought possible for such a large and thick door. An ominous sounding series of clicks and similar sounds came from the now shut door.

I blinked a time or two to get my eyes used to the dim light. Stepping cautiously forward, I grabbed the handle and pulled, but the door didn’t budge. Frantically, I began to pull harder, alternating between twisting, pulling, and kicking the door, but nothing would make it move. Hitting the door one final time, I took a deep breath and turned around to face the inky darkness. There was nothing to do but continue on and hope to find him later.

If either of us survived.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 30

2009-03-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

Background on the Back Grounds

“Well, that was embarrassing,” huffed Thunderfunk the Superchicken as he and Straw Daq exited Cornelius J Breadbuuter’s house. “You had to scream like a terrified child, didn’t you.”

Straw shrugged helplessly. “You never have to deal with Tom and his sock puppet. It’s unnerving.” He ducked a hail of arrows, likely poison tipped, that thunked solidly into the wall of the house.

“Unnerving or not,” replied Thunder as he hopped gracefully over the logs rolling down the lawn, “you should be more polite. I can’t afford to lose face against Breadbuuter, not when the competition is so close.” He swung a fist, knocking back the attacking gorilla, making it think twice about attacking again.

Straw leapt, grabbing the giant scythe is it swung by, riding it to the top of its arc before jumping onto a nearby tree to disable the laser that was coming dangerously close to scoring a direct hit on his boss. “What’s up with the whole ‘keeping score’ thing anyway?” He clambered back to the ground, bopping a pair of assassin squirrels on the head on the way. “I’ve never quite understood that whole concept.”

“It began when we were both much younger and committing dastardly acts on a small scale.” Thunder, in an amazing display of agility and speed took out five ninjas with ease. “We weren’t always rivals. At one point we were good friends, willing to work together to (nice kick) carry out our plots. However, he began to think that he was better than I at planning heists and performing acts of evil which led to a falling out.” He paused for a moment, watching his young friend wrestle a tiger for a few moments, thinking of times gone by. “We would have killed each other long ago were it not for our competition. And, I suppose, there is a modicum of respect between the two of us.” He kicked the small dog across the lawn, smiling at its yapping.

“You realise that the dog wasn’t attacking us.”

Thunder shrugged. “I regret nothing,” he replied. A snake fell on his head, only to be seized by the neck and used as a whip against the two pirates that charged out of the trees to his right.

Straw had his hands full avoiding the blasts from a particularly aggressive robot. Finally he managed to get behind it and pull out some essential wires, leaving it free to rampage at random, destroying the giant boulder that was hurtling towards them. Some of the pieces of the boulder smashed into the hidden machine gun bunkers, eliminating yet another threat. “Why does he always wait until we leave to attack us?” mused Straw.

“He likes to lure us into a false sense of security,” replied Thunder. Nothing else seemed to be coming their way, so he straightened up, dusting off his jacket, and strode forward.

Straw followed, watching behind them to keep an eye out for last ditch efforts at eviscerating them.

“Lava Crocodiles,” said Thunder mildly.

Straw’s head whipped around. “For the last time,” he began, “there are no such things...” He stopped suddenly, waving his arms to regain his balance. His toes were hanging over the edge of the lava pit and he could feel the heat radiating upwards. Swallowing hard, he stepped back and took a deep breath to calm his nerves. Walking carefully around the pit towards the Harrier Jet, he began muttering to himself. “I don’t see why anyone would even need lava crocodiles. Isn’t lava deadly enough on its own? It’s just redundant is what it is. It’s like putting poison on a guillotine. Once your head is chopped off, the poison isn’t going to do much. It’s excessive is what it is. And in tough economic times like this, isn’t it prudent to keep things simple? Sheesh...”

Thunder merely smiled.

An evil smile, of course.

Fools of us All - Chapter 30

2009-03-23T22:20:00.001-07:00

I stood behind Caz for a long time, yawning and stretching, wishing we had spent more time sleeping. The past few days had been hectic and I was starting to lose energy. It eventually dawned on me that we had been standing in the same spot for a long time. I looked at her and noticed that she was hugging herself, rocking back and forth on her feet. Her shoulders were hunched and seemed to be shaking a bit. I stepped closer and realised that she was crying for some reason. “What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she replied tearily.

I stepped around so that I was facing her. I felt this was important, even though I could not see her face in the dim light. “Nice to know that even in the future women are still the same. Now tell me the truth, what’s wrong?”

“We’re lost,” she said simply, sniffling softly.

“Oh.” I looked around intensely until I remembered that I had never been in this year before and was of little help. “Well, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we sneak back to the surface and scope things out. It might be nice to see the sun again.” I put a hand on her shoulder. “I think we both need that right now. It’s been a tough few days.”

She nodded, but didn’t reply. Silently, she turned around, heading in the direction we came. I could tell by how she was carrying herself that she was still extremely unhappy.

We headed back up the tunnel until we reached the nearest offshoot. I followed Caz, not saying much, wondering what was really bothering her. Sure we were lost, but that was not overly surprising. Neither of us had been in these tunnels before and there were no landmarks to help us on our way.

I was so lost in my musings that I almost ran into Caz, dancing to the side at the last second. She had stopped at a bend in the tunnel, the first we had come to. She was peering around the corner. I stepped back, hoping that there had been no one around to see me. Caz looked at me and rolled her eyes. “Smooth,” she said.

I stood behind her and looked around the corner myself. The tunnel came to an abrupt end ten feet away, but there was a glowing outline of a door in the wall. We watched and listened for a long time, but heard and saw nothing. Finally I whispered to Caz. “What’s the plan?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Ah.” I waited for a moment and then came to a decision. Moving quickly, before Caz could stop me, I walked up to the door and flung it open, stepping to the side to avoid the hale of bullets I was sure was coming my way. When nothing happened, I peeked around the corner and had trouble coming up with words to say. A building was perfectly framed in the door, far enough away to be seen completely was one of the most impressive buildings I had ever seen. It stretched into the sky, it’s shape vaguely reminiscent of an ancient ziggurat. The building looked as though it were composed of gold. A huge staircase led up to a massive set of heavy looking doors. The building was surrounded by a ten foot high fence topped with razor wire. Guards patrolled the grounds and stood their post at the doors. A massive statue of a mysterious figure topped the building.

Caz stood beside me, not saying anything.

“Is that where we’re headed?” I asked, my voice quiet with awe.

“Yeah.”

A small grin touched my face. “Cool.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 29

2009-03-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

Keeping Tally

“So, as you can see, my latest scheme is worth a great deal of points, perhaps as many as nine?” Thunderfunk the Superchicken noted his charge’s entrance into the room behind Cornelius J Breadbuuter’s assistant who appeared to be wearing a sock on his hand. “It was a masterstroke of evil, dealing with my nuisances in one fell swoop. And,” he continued, stroking his chin, “I dealt with a number of your nuisances as well. That should entitle me to a bonus of QR points.”

Breadbuuter stamped the floor with a cane that he had not had a moment before. After pronouncing “Bah!” and “Poppycock!” to Thunder’s suggestion of a bonus, he waved his hand dismissively. “You did not ‘deal’ with the problem so much as delay it. These heroes have a nasty habit of surviving defeats and coming back to fight stronger than before. You have only succeeded in making them angry. Feh. A bonus, he says.”

The two villains settled into a spirited discussion on the merit of a bonus and the possibility of a penalty for leaving the heroes alive, though depowered. As they argued, Straw turned to his counterpart. “What’s the score at the moment?” Realising that he had just addressed the sock puppet, he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. He needed a vacation away from this madness. Opening his eyes, he spoke to Tom, making eye contact. “What is the score anyway?”

Slowly, Tom reached into his back pocket and pulled out a book. With exaggerated leisure and the occasional sidelong glance, he flipped through the pages until he came to the most recent update. “Well, pending the outcome of their current argument, Cornelius is leading by a score of Q12 to Sheep.”

“It’s pretty close.”

“Mm-hmm.”

...

“Do you have any idea how they keep score?”

Tom’s sock puppet slowly turned to face Straw. “Not a clue.” Straw was not sure who had answered, Tom or the puppet. When the thought that maybe Tom was the puppet ran through his head, he decided that was a good indication that he was on vacation as of that moment. Throwing his hands up in the air, he walked out of the room, feeling the eyes of the puppet following him as he left.

A final maddening thought struck him: Where had the cane gone?

The two arguing villains paused for a moment at the bloodcurdling scream of anguish that came from the front entrance. Thunder smiled. “Cornelius, you sly dog. You failed to mention that you were currently in the midst of torturing a prisoner.”

Cornelius shook his head. “My dungeon is empty at the moment. I just assumed you had brought me a present.”

The two looked at each other and then together they looked at Tom, who merely offered a wan smile before going back to petting his sock puppet.

Or was the sock puppet petting him....

Fools of us All - Chapter 29

2009-03-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

We walked for a few more hours in the dim light, occasionally coming across other people, but for the most part we were left alone. I wondered about that briefly, curious to know how many people lived underground and used these tunnels. There was evidence that the number was relatively significant, and yet we had hardly seen anyone thus far.

Eventually, at Spin’s insistence, we stopped to rest again. A small depression in the wall gave us a place to settle for a bit of shut eye. The previous night had been long and the walk had been difficult…

I awoke with a start at the sound of voices coming down the tunnel. Instinctively I pushed myself back into the shadows. A group of four or five people came walking by, talking quietly to themselves. I was sure that they would see us, but if they did, they paid us no mind. Perhaps we blended in with what people expected to see down in the underground, or maybe they didn’t perceive us as a threat. Or perhaps they just did not care any longer. Whatever the case, they walked by, their voices echoing in the dimness, too indistinct to be understood. Soon they were gone.

Shaking Spin by the shoulder to wake him up, I got to my feet, stretching my stiff muscles. “This is no time to sleep,” I said, keeping my voice low like those who had passed by. “We have an archive to break into.”

Yawning, Spin rose to his feet as well, stretching and rubbing his eyes. “Do we have a plan yet?”

I headed back into the tunnel. “We have the start of a plan. If I’m right, we are nearing the religious archives. It’s my guess that one of these tunnels will lead to a secret entrance to the building. We’ll have to sneak in and then figure out a way to move around unnoticed.” We rounded a corner, and my heart sank. The tunnel, which had been running straight with the occasional side passage running across it, much like streets crossing each other in the city above, had suddenly opened into a large room that had five separate tunnels branching out from it. A quick study of the tunnels showed that they all turned in different ways. I knew approximately which way we had to go, but I wasn’t sure which tunnel to take to get there.

My heart sank to my knees. We were lost.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 28

2009-03-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

Mr. Googly is Pleased to Make Your Acquaintance

After lying on the floor screaming for a long time, Straw let his voice trail off to nothing. Picking himself up, he dusted some imaginary dirt from his shirt. A terribly realistic painting of a young man holding a knife was on the wall, the evil grin on the face seeming to mock him. Taking a deep breath he turned around and stumbled back in fright, crying out at the sight of a shadow directly behind him.

“Is there a problem with the young sir?” asked Butler, the butler.

Rising to his feet once again, Straw shook his finger. “Don’t go around scaring people like that. I think that violates the butler code!”

“Very good, sir,” was the only reply. The butler stood motionless, saying nothing more.

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” snapped Straw. “I’m fine. Get out of here.”

“As you wish, sir,” came the slow, dry reply. “But I feel I must warn you...”

“Just go!” interrupted Straw, pointing the way.

The Butler nodded and walked away to do his buttling. Satisfied, Straw turned around and screamed in terror at the young man lurking behind him. He backed up a few steps and leaned against the wall, trying to get his breath back. “My heart,” he gasped, clutching his chest.

“You don’t look so well,” said the other man, a sickly looking smile on his face.

“I’m fine,” said Straw testily through gasps for air. Every time he came here he hoped he wouldn’t run into Tom, but it seemed like, without fail, Tom would show up and make him feel...uncomfortable. The man just wasn’t right.

“That’s good, that you’re good,” said Tom, still half hidden by shadow. Somehow he managed to lurk just by standing there. It was unsettling. “I would hate for anyone to be a guest in our home and to be anything less than good.” The smile stayed frozen in place even as he spoke. His hands were crossed behind his back, his heels together, a slight bow to his legs that was not noticeable beneath his pants. Straw had seen him in shorts a time or two and that was the only reason he knew. Tom was wearing a stylish suit that was a half size...wrong for his frame. It somehow managed to hang awkwardly without looking conspicuously too large or too small.

Pushing away from the wall, Straw tried to collect his dignity - even the bits that had crawled into the corner for a bit of a nap. “I’m going back to the sitting room,” he said with false bluster. “I think Thunderfunk is going to need me.”

“I’ll come along,” said Tom, his smile broadening and remaining frozen at the same time. As he stepped forward, his left arm came up until his hand was about chin level. Covering the hand was a sock puppet. The googly eyes had crude eyebrows that were drawn downward in an angry position. Around where the mouth should be a thin red tongue hung, swaying slightly with the motion of the hand. “Shall we?” said Tom, leading the way.

As Straw walked behind Tom, he noticed the sock puppet slowly inch above Tom’s right shoulder until it was resting there, staring at him. The googly eyes bounced with every step, but somehow always seemed to remain focused on Straw. The most massive chill that Straw had ever experienced ran up and down his spine. He hated this house.

Fools of us All - Chapter 28

2009-03-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

“I have no idea what to do now,” I muttered in the darkness, “or where we’re going.” We had been walking for what felt like hours in the dim light of the tunnel. Caz had been leading us down path after path, taking seemingly random turns until I was thoroughly lost. Truthfully, I was lost after the first turn, but that situation did not improve as we continued.

Caz had said nothing to me the entire time we were walking. As we walked, she had stopped frequently, peering up, staring at the ceiling, speaking to herself under her breath. I couldn’t hear what she was saying, but she seemed very adamant about something.

Suddenly she stopped and looked back at me. “Did you say something?” she asked.

I nodded, a futile gesture in the darkness. “I was wondering what the plan was,” I replied. “Plus, I’m lost, my feet hurt, I’m hungry, and I want a break.” I cringed inwardly at how whiny that had sounded.

“Okay,” she said and sat down where she was, leaning against the wall.

Slightly taken aback, I stood for a moment longer before joining her on the slightly damp floor. We sat without speaking for five minutes, her leaning back, her head tilted to face the ceiling; me leaning forward to play with the laces on my shoes. I had meant to ask her about the plan, but another thought struck me and almost asked itself. “Have you found alien life yet?”

I could almost hear her blinking with surprise. Slowly her face swung to look at me. “Me personally?” She sounded confused.

“No. I mean in general. Back in the present…I mean past…your past, that is…my present…” I rubbed my face, the lack of sleep obviously catching up to me. I tried again. “In my day, people theorised about the possibility of alien life, but no one had ever been able to prove anything. Has that changed?”

“Ah.” Her eyes drifted back to the ceiling. “Well, nothing official. They’ve started mining other planets, specifically the moons of Jupiter, and the asteroid belt, but no aliens have been reported. There’s talk, of course, about government conspiracies and cover ups, but that’s nothing new.” She shrugged. “I guess things haven’t changed. Although, I like to think that my dad saw something amazing out there before he died.” I couldn’t help but hear the sadness in her voice.

Wanting to distract her from the sadness I knew lived just beneath her surface, I started to regale her with stories of my youth, of times with my friends doing things that were, frankly, stupid. I often wonder how me and my friends stayed alive through high school. She laughed at my antics, making me repeat a few things that she found somewhat less than completely believable.

After the stories ran out, and the tears had been wiped from our eyes, I leaned my head against the wall, doing my best to ignore what was going to end up in my hair. “Seriously though, what’s the plan here? Are we just going to wander underground for the rest of our lives? Because I like the sun and want to see it again before I die.”

“There is a plan,” she replied. I sensed a bit of hesitation, but I didn’t interrupt. “It involves the prophecy that brought you here.”

“Damn,” I said. I hated that thing.

“I know. I never told you what Dun said to me before you killed him. There was more to the prophecy than he had told me. There was more than one prophecy. I don’t know what the truth is anymore.” She turned to face me. “I’m tired of only knowing what other people have told me. It’s time to learn for myself. We’re going to break into the religious archives and read the prophecy for ourselves.”

“The religious archives? Like, a church?”

I could hear the smile in her voice. “Kind of. But imagine the best guarded place in your world. Now imagine that it is guarded twice as well. Now imagine that instead of guarding gold or money, it is instead guarding ancient religious artefacts and writings.”

I swallowed hard. “I knew there was a catch.”

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 27

2009-02-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

27. Lava Crocodiles Indeed

Thunderfunk and Straw Daq took their time on the short walk from the landing area to Cornelius J. Breadbuuter's back door. The estate was possibly larger than Thunder’s, though it was not quite as picturesque. A grove of trees was to the side of the house, surrounding a picnic area. The rest of the grounds was just manicured lawn. The fake landing pad was about 200 yards behind the house, just to the left, while the real landing pad was about fifty yards from the house, just to the right. On the real landing pad was a Westland WAH-64 helicopter, a Gazelle helicopter, and a Lynx AH9 anti-tank helicopter, which was out of service at the moment because the wheels were all smashed up, as though its last landing had been particularly hard.

The house itself was rather impressive. Three stories high, it was a mansion by any definition of the word. Built in the early nineteenth century, it seemed to have been built with style in mind, rather than comfort. The walls were stone and the roof was clay mission tiles in a faded red colour. A balcony ran along most of the entire second floor, and isolated rooms on the third floor as well. The windows were high and rectangular, looking very foreboding. Thunder walked up the path that cut through the garden in the back and rang the doorbell.

It was but a moment before the door opened to reveal a man in a butler’s uniform standing stiffly before them. Thunder was sure that this was the butler, and he was proved right when the man spoke. “Good evening gentlemen. I am The Butler, the butler. May I take your coat?”

Since neither Thunderfunk or Straw had a coat, they declined the offer and were subsequently ushered down a short hallway to a waiting room where The Butler left them. They waited for about fifteen minutes, chatting about sports (‘I think curling IS a sport, Straw’, ‘Well, you also think lava crocodiles are real’) and knitting (‘Is it purl one, knit two, or the other way around?’, ‘I’m not sure, I crochet myself’) until The Butler came back. “Mr. Breadbuuter will see you now”” he intoned.

They followed the butler to the drawing room where Cornelius J. Breadbuuter sat in a comfortable easy chair. He was a tall, willowy man with a pale complexion offset by a shock of red hair that seemed to be perched precariously on the top of his head. His clothes were immaculate, and he sat smoking an ornately carved pipe. A snifter of brandy sat at his elbow. He waved his two guests in before bounding enthusiastically to his feet. “Can I get you anything to drink,” he offered, hurrying over to the bar in the corner and grabbing a couple glasses. “I have the most exquisite scotch that you simply must try.”

Straw demurred politely, saying that he had to fly and couldn’t drink, but Thunder accepted gratefully. A sip was all he needed to see that his host was correct in claiming this to be a fine vintage of scotch. “Thank you sir,” he said before settling himself down in a chair that was facing the chair into which Cornelius settled himself. Thunderfunk leaned forward. “I simply love what you have done with this place,” he said enthusiastically. A sweep of his wing encompassed the entire room. One wall was devoted to different books, from advanced texts on the latest in quantum physics to J. D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. Paintings adorned the remaining walls, including an original van Gogh. “This room was being renovated the last time I was here.”

Cornelius nodded sagely. “Yes, and what an awful experience that was. The contractor gave me an estimate, and then was way over budget. And he took at minimum twice as long to do the job than he had promised.” He sighed heavily. “So I had no choice but to kill him.”

This interested Thunderfunk greatly, and he listened as Cornelius described the torture of the tradesman before finally throwing him to the lava crocodiles. When the story had finished, Thunder sat back in his chair. “Amazing,” he breathed. “The feather actually worked out that well for you? I always have trouble with that.” He looked over at Straw Daq, who was sitting on a couch behind them. “Lava crocodiles.” The young man merely rolled his eyes and shook his head. He rose to his feet and walked out of the room, leaving the two megalomaniacs to chat.

Rounding a corner, he jumped back in surprise, stumbling and falling to his knees. Another young man was standing in the hall, his hand raised high above his head, a knife poised to deliver a killing blow.

Fools of us All - Chapter 27

2009-02-23T22:13:00.000-08:00

A damp, musty air moved past our faces. The tunnel was unlit, disappearing into complete darkness mere feet down its length. I looked at Jack and raised my eyebrows. He shrugged. I lowered my eyebrows and glared menacingly. Miraculously, he suddenly ‘remembered’ the light he was carrying in his pocket. He flicked it on, the light doing little to illuminate the passageway, but it was enough to proceed. I motioned Jack ahead and followed close behind.

Spin hesitated. “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this,” he said, still standing at the mouth of the tunnel.

“Your other option is to stay where you are until the M.E.R.C.s find you and kill you,” I threw over my shoulder, not slowing my pace. A frustrated sigh wafted down the way behind me, followed by the sound of hurried footsteps as he jogged to catch up.

We walked for a long time, following the path before us. At some point a small trickle of water started running down the middle of the tunnel, its motion showing me that we were heading downhill. The tunnel curved a few times, but there were no paths leading to either side, and always we headed downward. Once we stopped and I examined the walls. They were curved, meeting above our heads like a giant pipe. They were also old, older than the portion at the mouth of the tunnel. These walls had been built a long time ago.

We continued walking, and I could feel more of a breeze against my face. Suddenly we came to a large hole and the tunnel opened onto a large passageway. The dim light did not have a prayer of reaching the other end, or the far sides, but it did not need to. Dirty old bulbs hung from the ceiling, providing enough illumination to see where one was walking. Passages opened at regular intervals along the wall. It was like stumbling onto a highway with a bevy of exit ramps.

Spin let out a long, low whistle. “Impressive,” he breathed.

I turned to Jack. “What is this?” I asked.

I could see his smile in the pale light. “Welcome to the true underground. From here you can get to anywhere in the city. These are old tunnels from a long time ago. Now, only certain, select people know about them. People like me.”

“And these tunnels go anywhere?” A thought was forming.

“Anywhere.”

I looked around again, slightly overwhelmed by the scope. “Jack, I’ve been homeless for a while now, living in the underground. How come I have never heard about this before?”

He clicked off his light, leaving him in shadow. “Because you assumed you were at the bottom of the heap. But the people who live here can’t survive anywhere else. They are of no use to nobody. No matter how far down you go, there is always someone below you.” His shoe scraped the floor in the dimness, and I knew he was gone. But I didn’t care. I knew what we had to do.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 26

2009-02-19T22:54:00.000-08:00

Transportation

Casting a baleful look back at his passenger, Straw lifted the Harrier jet gently into the air, heading straight up 10,000 feet and then with a light touch on the controls he began the descent, coming down in the neighbours yard. Looking over his shoulder at their own home no more than 200 yards away, Straw was caught off guard when the ground beneath gave way, sending the jet plunging towards the gaping maw of a lava pit. Years of instinct kicked in and seconds later the jet was rising once again. As he settled in a more appropriate spot a dozen metres away, Thunderfunk murmured from the back seat. “Nice save, lad.” They hopped out of the jet and walked to the edge of the pit. “It’s a good thing you reacted as quick as you did. If we had splashed down there, the lava alligators surely would have ripped us to shreds.”

An odd expression crossed the young pilot’s face. He glanced sharply at the chicken, and then peered down at the lava pit. Bubbles of hot magma burst at the surface as the lava rolled over itself, almost like a living thing. Indeed there seemed to be some log like objects floating around the surface. “Those aren’t lava alligators,” he began, only to be cut off by his companion.

“You’re right of course.” The chicken looked down the pit more intensely. “Those are lava crocodiles. Entirely different.”” He turned on his heel and started walking towards the house.

After a moment of stunned silence, Straw hurried to catch up. “That’s not what I mean,” he said breathlessly. “I mean that lava alligators and lava crocodiles do not exist.”

“And yet,” countered the Superchicken, “there they are in all of their glory.”

Straw stopped, closing his eyes as though trying to banish the oddness of life. When he opened them, he was still facing the back of a giant chicken, mere feet away from a gaping hole filled with lava. As the cover to the magma trap began to slide into place, Straw hurried after his boss. There was much about the world he did not understand, but he was pretty sure he would be needed by Thunderfunk’s side when he met his rival.

Fools of us All - Chapter 26

2009-02-16T23:31:00.000-08:00

I flinched as the gun whipped by me and imbedded itself into the wall. Her scream echoed around the small room for a moment before fading into nothingness. The three of us stayed where we were, almost frozen in our spots. Cautiously, I moved to where Jack was still laying on the ground and I helped him to his feet. He looked for a moment as though he wanted to try and escape, but a firm hand on his shoulder encouraged him to stay.

The two of us sat by the small fire, warming our hands. Every time Jack went to speak, I shook my head at him, and so we sat in silence. Finally Caz sat across from us, staring moodily into the fire. “I’m sorry,” said Jack.

“You’re sorry?” Caz snorted.

“Look, I didn’t know it was a bomb. I was just told to deliver the package.”

“What package?” I asked. I had my suspicions, but I suspected that Caz needed to talk this out.

“Look around you,” she said. “Do you think this was always like this?”

I shook my head.

“This was where I worked - this was the organisation’s headquarters. And then one day we got a package, delivered by this guy, and minutes later, the room blows up and we are attacked by M.E.R.C. squad.” An odd look flashed across her face, and she regarded Jack closely, this time with curiosity. “How did you escape? No one left after the package was delivered. And no one had paid you for delivery, so why did you leave if you didn’t know it was a bomb?”

Jack laughed nervously. “Sometimes I just get these feelings, y’know? When I gave you the package, something just felt wrong. And then the big dude showed up and he was giving off some serious bad vibes, so I scrammed.”

“Big dude?” I asked.

Caz smiled, if somewhat sadly. “Dun. He was my mentor and our leader. I told you about him.”

“Oh yeah. What happened to him?”

She gave me an odd look. “He…he died.”

“Saving you?”

Tears began flowing down her face yet again, but her voice was unemotional. “I thought he did. I saw him get shot before I escaped here. But then, when I was captive in the warehouse, he showed up, alive and well. He told me…” she stopped and looked away. “He’s the guy you shot when you rescued me.”

It was my turn to be shocked. “Caz, I had no idea.” My heart sank, convinced that she was going to kill me.

Instead, she merely smiled. “He was in on it,” she said, the tears finally stopping. “If you hadn’t killed him, I might have.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” We both looked at Jack who had leapt to his feet with excitement. “I knew I recognised that dude. When I was hired to deliver the package, he was standing in the shadows, trying to stay out of sight.” He noticed us watching him and self-consciously sat back down. “That’s why I was getting bad vibes from him. I thought it was weird that he had wanted a package delivered to himself. That’s why I left.”

The fire crackled in the silence before I turned to him and asked the question he had yet to answer. “Jack, how did you leave without being seen or getting hurt?”

Moments later we stood in the remains of Dun’s office before a very large round door. A door that led to somewhere I wasn’t sure I wanted to be.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 25

2009-02-12T21:16:00.000-08:00

Advancement

“You abandoned me.” Straw Daq sat in his chair and sulked, bandages still wrapped around his head. “I waited in that lobby for five hours. FIVE HOURS!”

“I will have you know I was only four hours and forty-nine minutes late.”

Straw glared at his boss for a moment before returning to his sulk.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Thunderfunk the Superchicken tried to explain himself again. “See here young man, as I have already explained, I was unable to make our appointment as I was trapped in the house by our neighbour Mrs. Henderson.”

“For five hours? Excuse me, four hours and forty-nine minutes.” Straw did not sound mollified in the least.

“She is a very persistent woman.”

“There are at least four separate secret entrances and exits that you could have taken.”

Thunderfunk’s eyes widened. “Egads,” he said. “That’s right. I had completely forgotten about them.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Bah,” was all the reply that Thunderfunk felt was necessary. He walked away, angry at his protege’s insistence on blaming the entire mess on him. It was obvious to anyone that the fault lay with Mrs. Henderson and her infernal cat. That, and the fact that he did not enjoy driving cars. That was what he had servants, lackeys, flunkies, and even the occasional stoolie for. In all his years of super-villainery, Straw was the best pilot he had ever come across, and the most faithful. It would not do to have him angry and moody. Not if he was going to have his plans carried out.

Setting his jaw, Thunderfunk returned to where the young man sat, arms crossed, brow furrowed. “We have a mission,” he said cautiously. Straw continued to stare straight ahead, but his eyebrows raised ever so slightly. He was listening. “For this mission,” continued Thunder, “I will need you to fly the Harrier for me.”

Straw immediately brightened. “Really?” he asked enthusiastically, a smile breaking across his face. “You never want to use that thing. This is awesome.” He jumped to his feet and headed towards the hangar. “Where’re we going anyway?”

“To Breadbuuter’s house.”

Straw stopped dead. “You want me to fly the Harrier jet to Cornelius J Breadbuuter’s house?” He turned to look at his boss. “That’s it?”

“Yes.” Thunder was mystified by the young man’s response.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Straw squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. “He lives next door,” he said. “It will take me longer to get the plane ready than it would to walk over there, which, I might add, would do you a world of good. You figure hasn’t been remaining as trim as it once was.”

Thunder looked down at his waist then back at his pilot. “Listen ‘friend’” he began hotly. “I am in perfect condition. And besides, the jet gives off an impression of power and superiority. He doesn’t have one, so it makes me look good.” A haughty expression settled on his face as he raised his head ever so slightly and peered down his beak at Daq.

“Fine.” Straw continued to where the planes were stored, muttering about the price of jet fuel these days, and did anyone know how much cabbage cost and how late it would be before he could get to bed, basically sounding like an old man.

Thunderfunk shook his head. Did the young people of the world understand nothing about the proper use and presentation of power? There was still much that he had to teach his pilot. Much indeed.

Fools of us All - Chapter 25

2009-02-10T07:18:00.000-08:00

With grim satisfaction, I watched the young man’s face darken from a lack of oxygen. His eyes bugged out slightly as he tried to speak, but there was no explanation he could give that was going to satisfy me. An ‘ah hell’ was the only warning I had before Spin’s larger frame crashed into me, knocking me flying. By the time we had landed I had managed to flip on top of him, driving my shoulder into his sternum. To his credit, even as all of the air whooshed out of his lungs, he managed to hang on to me. I fought wildly, doing everything I could to get away from him, but he continued to cling to me for all he was worth. It wasn’t until I kneed him in the crotch that he finally let go. I leapt to my feet and drew my gun, waving it at both men.

Spin’s wheezy laugh brought me up short. “What are you going to do, shoot me?” he gasped. “I thought I was the chosen one.”

“You are,” I said through clenched teeth. “But he’s not.” I pointed the gun at Jack, who was still sitting on the ground, coughing loudly. Slowly I began to squeeze the trigger, the gun held steady, pointed straight at his heart.

“No, he’s not.” Spin’s voice had regained most of its normal tone, but now there was a gravitas that had not been there before. “But I don’t think you want to shoot him.”

“He killed everyone I knew, Spin.” Jack finally stopped coughing. Looking up at me, he flinched, covering his head with his hands. A muffled whimper escaped his lips. “I have nothing left because of him.”

I sensed more than saw Spin rise to his feet and step closer to me. “I don’t know what you mean by that,” he said. “I just know that you don’t want to shoot him. You haven’t tried to kill anyone yet, even when you had the chance and the reason. Those goons in the hospital could have died, but you didn’t kill them. When the soldiers chased us you tried not to hurt them more than necessary. And now this boy is unarmed, laying defenceless on the floor and I’m supposed to believe that you would kill him?” Except I could hear in his voice that he did believe I would. The gun wavered slightly, but I put more pressure on the trigger.

“Help me out kid,” said Spin, a pleading note in his voice.

“I didn’t know it was a bomb!” Jack raised his head and stared at me, his eyes wide.

I didn’t want to believe him. I stepped towards him, thrusting the gun forward as though I could throw the bullets through him. A wave of rage and despair washed over me and I turned, hurling the gun into the wall behind me, screaming. He was telling the truth.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 24

2009-02-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

Transitionary

Thunderfunk the Superchicken sat in darkness, watching the massive screens set up in front of him. Various news stations flashed before him, along with business reports, and an episode of The Honeymooners, which was followed by I Love Lucy. That poor Ricky, he never got any respect.

But Thunder’s attention wasn’t on Ricky, or Lucy’s latest hijinks. Instead he was brooding. The past week’s adventure had been profitable, ridding himself of some pesky do-gooders, but he was not free of annoyances yet. There was still Cornelius J. Breadbuuter. His eyes narrowed at the thought of his arch nemesis. His other arch nemesis. It was not easy having two separate nemeses to keep track of. CJB was a nasty piece of work, though, and in the past ten years had been the one who had come closest to destroying him. Their battles would be the subject of poetry. Assuming, of course, they allowed any poets to view their battles and live. That was the one thing the two of them had in common: a hatred for poetry. Lousy iambic pentameter.

Movement from one of his security camera feeds caught his eye. He turned his attention to the scene at the end of his driveway where the guard booth was set up. He groaned inwardly as, after only a minute of conversation, the guard let that infernal Mrs. Henderson onto the premises. Carefully he zoomed the camera view in to get a closer look at the elderly woman. She was obviously coming empty handed. Returning the camera to its normal position, Thunder casually reached over and pressed the button that locked down his house and his secret lair, making them impenetrable to outside forces. He was only mildly surprised when her cat jumped up from its hiding place and tried to take a big bite out of his head.

With a sigh he placed the cat into the specially designed tube (known in some cultures as a cannon) to send it back to its own home (known in some cultures as firing it out of a cannon). Sighing a frustrated sigh, he leaned back in his chair, steepling his fingers. “Straw, fetch me a glass of sherry.”

No response.

“Straw, I am not accustomed to waiting. Now pour me my drink.”

There was still no response.

Mostly likely, thought Thunder as he sat up straight in his chair, because he is still at the hospital. The hospital that had discharged him over an hour ago. The hospital where Straw would be waiting for the ride that Thunder was to provide.

Hastily, Thunder rose to his feet, but sank back into the chair when he noticed Mrs. Henderson was still standing at the front door, tapping on it insistently. Settling back, Thunder got comfortable. It might be some time before he was able to leave his house safely.

Fools of us All - Chapter 24

2009-02-02T23:04:00.000-08:00

The fire stank. We had been unable to find anything to burn besides seat cushions, so one of those was flickering in the light, providing some light, a modicum of heat, and an aroma that would choke a yak. Fortunately, there was a slight breeze whistling through cracks in the walls and ceiling, sending most of the smell away from us.

Jack sat huddled between Caz and I, his arms wrapped around himself. Now that I was not chasing him or being pummelled by his overly large companion I was able to not some details about him. For one, his clothing was quite tattered and dirty, as though he had nothing else to wear and no chance to clean it. His eyes seemed sunken into a hollow face, and there were deep rings underneath them. His dark skin was marked with cuts and scars, evidence of a rough life. His shoes looked brand new, though if he had stolen them or had scraped together enough money to buy them, I was not sure.

He continued his story. “I was just trying to find something I could sell so I could buy some food, that’s all.” He looked pleadingly at me. “I didn’t want you to get hurt, but you just kept chasing me, and I thought you were going to get me arrested. I don’t want to go to the prison camps. I wouldn’t last a day! When I ran across Little Mike, I thought I could get him to scare you off. I never seen anyone handle him like you did.” A hint of respect crept into his voice.

I rubbed my arm, one of many bruised spots on my body. “Thanks,” I muttered, “but I could have done without having to handle him.”

He grinned, a flash of teeth in the dark, gone almost before it came. “You won’t turn me in, will you?”

I glanced at Caz, but she was staring at Jack, an odd expression on her face. Shrugging, I turned back to Jack. “Nah, no harm no foul I guess.”

“How did you know about here?” asked Caz suddenly, her voice slightly strained.

“It’s hard not to know about a burnt out building, lady. Especially when you are living on the street. Knowing about places to sleep with a roof over a guy’s head is always a help.” He looked slightly defensive.

“Not the building. I mean this room. This room where we were sleeping.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked Caz, not recognising at the time the look of relief that flooded Jack’s face. “The door wasn’t enough of a clue?”

“This was a secret room, a hiding room designed to be shut in an emergency, shielded so sensors could not penetrate it, reinforced so that explosions could not harm it,” she spoke to me, but her eyes never left Jack’s face, “and camouflaged so that no one could recognise it for what it was, unless they knew it was here!”

Jack visibly started at that.

I replied before he had a chance, though. “But I saw the door too. I knew it was here.”

Finally her eyes reluctantly met mine. “No, you didn’t. I opened the door and then called you over. But you told me that when you surprised him, he was looking down at first and that is why he didn’t see you.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small square with a few wires sticking out of one end. “But I found this on the ground.” Tossing it to me, she turned to face Jack again, her eyes narrowed, her jaw clenched.

I caught the device and looked closer. A small display was on one side. A few buttons were beneath the display and a tiny hole for a jack was on the end opposite the wires. Puzzled, I looked at Caz. “It would take me a hundred years to come up with a guess for what this is.”

Her voice was quiet, and there was an edge on it that I had never heard before. “It’s for picking locks - like that ones protecting this room.”

Jack suddenly leapt to his feet, making a break for the door. Caz was faster, though, and soon the young man was on his back with Caz’s knee on his throat. “You killed everyone I loved!” Tears flowed down her face. “I should kill you right now!”

I stared at the two of them, wondering if I should intervene.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 23

2009-01-15T22:16:00.001-08:00

Someone's Gettin' A Beatin'

It all started innocently enough. The two men – one a giant, evil superchicken with the unlikely name of Thunderfunk; and the other, a toned, tanned, uniformed, ex-military man with superpowers and an equally unlikely name of Awesomepants – were sitting at a bar, sharing a few drinks and discussing life in general. It would have been easy to assume they were friends. They were not. Mortal enemies would be a better way to describe them (as well as a good name for an eighties rock band). Drunk off their rockers and full of simmering rage would also be apt.

As they drank, one of them, and no one would ever be able to say who, sloshed some beer onto the other. They argued about who’s fault the spill was and who would pay the cleaning bill. They also started to raise their voices, turning the whole minor incident into a shouting match.

From their, it turned into the inevitable shoving match. It sounds fairly typical so far, but that is only because you, the humble reader, has forgotten that one of these two has superpowers, so his shove sent his opponent through a wall. Luckily for the other man, he was, as has been pointed out already, a giant chicken. If you don’t think chickens are tough, remember that they continue to run around and cluck when you cut their heads off. All most humans do in the same circumstances is look shocked. Thunderfunk came barrelling through the wall, making a new hole because he was too drunk to hit the existing hole, and returned fire, smashing Awesomepants with a thunderous punch to the jaw, sending the military man through the opposite wall, making a matching hole.

It is important to note at this point that Straw Daq, Thunder’s right hand man, tossed off the last of his drink, slurred ‘Aw nuts to this,’ and, grabbing the bartender by the arm, walked through the hole in the wall to await the final outcome outside. Upon reaching the outside, he was attacked by an army of squirrels. It is still unknown at this point if the attack was a coincidence or if Awesomepants had organised some help. Either way, the bartender promptly quit his job and was never heard from again.

Yes, that does mean the squirrels got him. So sad.

The battle inside of the building raged for some time. Thunderfunk was not quite the physical match for his opponent, however he was a much smarter fighter, and the alcohol had not affected him as bad as his opponent, so his head was clearer. Awesomepants used his time slowing power sparingly in his inebriated state because it gave him the heebie jeebies and made him motion sick. His gravity defiance was also tricky to use because he had trouble controlling it. Of course his shirt managed to come ripped apart at the seams, but since there were no women around to impress, he felt it was a waste of a shirt.

The battle came to an end when Awesomepants mixed up his time and his gravity powers, thus causing him to try slow down the pinball machine that was about to come crashing down on his head even as he tried to decrease the gravity of the few seconds it spent in the air. If that sounds confusing to describe, imagine how confusing it was to try. It was even more confusing when it worked, but he was so astonished by his success that he completely failed to notice the aluminum baseball bat that made solid contact with his cranium. By the time he woke up he had a power inhibitor in his head and a splitting headache due to a hangover. And a baseball bat to the head.

Thunderfunk looked down at him scornfully. “I should kill you,” he said savagely. “But, I’ve already put the inhibitor on you and since they are single use only, it would be a shame to waste, so I guess I’ll let you live.” He walked to the door, or the space where the door used to be before it got ripped out and thrown around the room. “For now,” he said, his voice dripping with menace. He left the building and headed to the drugstore where he bought as much aspirin as he could.

Straw dragged himself back to his hospital bed where he refused to leave his bed for a week, except when he saw the squirrel on his window sill. “It made a slashing motion across his neck with his little paw!” he was heard to say to anyone who would listen. That night, he slept well, with a little help from his friend Mr. Sleepy-Time Drug.

Fools of us All - Chapter 23

2009-01-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

I awoke with a start, looking around me with panicked eyes. It had been a dream, almost a haunting of scenes from my life thus far. Suppressing a shudder, I rose to my feet, stretching my aching muscles. “Spin,” I whispered, looking for the young man who had become my companion. The room was abandoned, though, so I slipped through the door into the burnt out portion of the building. In the dark of night it was even creepier than in the gloom of early evening. An indistinct voice sounded from outside, followed by the scraping of a boot against the tile floor of the entrance.

My heart began to beat faster and I crouched behind the burnt out husk of a desk, slipping out one of my purloined weapons, readying for battle. I could tell there were two people, both trying to walk quietly and utterly failing. I waited as long as I could, holding back until I knew I had a clear shot that I could not miss. Springing to my feet with a yell, I pulled the trigger, sending two shots hurtling through the air.

Spin froze, looking at the spot in the wall which was now sporting twin holes mere inches apart, and even closer to his head. He turned towards me, his face hidden in the shadows of the night. “Why…?” was all he managed.

I lowered my gun, a sour expression on my face. “Don’t sneak up on me like that,” I said. “You are lucky that I recognised your silhouette in time to change my aim.” Pointing with my weapon, I then asked “who is this?”

“Let’s get some light and I will explain everything.” Spin pushed the shadowy figure past me, towards the room where we had been sleeping. Ten minutes later, we had a small fire going, along with more questions that had no answers.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 22

2009-01-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

Even I Don't Know What's Going On

“Why...why we alwaysh gotta be fighting, man?” Thunderfunk the Superchicken slurred towards his arch-enemy. “Where’sh the love?”

Sniffling over his beer, First Lieutenant Awesomepants shrugged. “I dunno, man. It’s just our sacred duty, I guesh.”

Thunder giggled into his Mai Tai. “You said ‘doody’.” The two broke into a fit of laughter, holding their sides in their mirth. Rising unsteadily to his feet, Thunder raised his glass. “A toast!” he roared enthusiastically. “To the best enemy a man could have!”

Jumping up, Awesomepants’ stool fell to the ground. “Mazel Tov!” he shouted, raising his glass high. They clinked their glasses and drained them.

“Barkeep, another fine ale for me and my friend!” Thunder pushed his glass gently (or so he thought) across the bar, sending it flying into the mirror behind the bottles of liquor on the wall, leading to another round of laughter and giggling.

With a sigh, the bartender set up two more glasses and began pouring. He was slightly depressed that these two weren’t the worst customers he would encounter that week. Maybe it was time to become a car wash attendant, like his mother always wanted. Often, he wondered if his mother didn’t like him or if she just had extremely low expectations of him.

Two glasses of frosty beer with the perfect amount of foam slid gently down the length of the bar, stopping directly in front of the inebriated pair. They raised their glasses in another toast. “I love you man,” said Awesomepants.

“No, I love YOU!” replied Thunder.

Just then, Straw Daq ran into the bar, his hospital gown flapping open in the back, a bandage still wrapped around his head. “Thunder!” he yelled. He took two steps and stopped suddenly, leaving a permanent indentation in the solid oak beam he encountered. Pulling himself painfully away, he ran up to the two at the bar. “Thunder!” he yelled again.

Awesomepants put a hand on the young man’s head and turned it slightly so he could see his boss.

“Thanks,” said the young man. And then, “Lightning!” He looked confused.

The bartender polished a glass. Maybe he could get a job driving the ice cream truck. He liked ice cream. Everyone liked ice cream. Except those with lactose intolerance. Racists.

“Thund...mmmfft.” Finding his mouth covered by Thunderfunk’s feathered hand, Straw’s eyes bugged out a bit from the pressure of the covered yell.

“What is it?” inquired the villain.

“I jus’ wanned to warn you that First Lietelt...First liltentan...that dude Awesomepants was seen in the area. And the doctors say I have a concussion.” He smiled hebetudinously and fell over. Before anyone could say anything he jumped back to his feet. “Does anyone else smell lilacs?” Dazed, he wandered away, ending up at the other end of the bar, nursing a cognac.

“What a shtrange fellow,” said Awesomepants, taking a sip of his beer and only missing his mouth a little.

“Hey, watch what you say about him. He’s my friend!” Thunder slammed his glass onto the counter and then quickly licked up the drops that sloshed out.

Looking contrite, Awesomepants apologised. “I din’nt know,” he said. “Any friend of mine is a friend of mine. Wait. Any friend of mores is a mend of frine. Wait. Any derivative of a cosine is equal to the sum of the square of its inverse proportions. Wait, thash bad math...” He took a deep breath and opened his mouth. “Who are you again?”

“Me? My name is Awesomepants!” Thunder thumped his chest enthusiastically.

“I thought MY name was Awesomepants.”

“Oh yeah. I love you man.”

“I love YOU, man. You’re my, you’re my bud.”

The two hugged again.

Straw sipped his whiskey and looked mournfully at the bartender. “How’m I gonna win the beauty pageant now?” he asked plaintively.

The bartender shrugged, already counting the money he was going to make from his shoe shine empire that he was going to start. Tomorrow.

For now, he had a glass to polish.

Fools of us All - Chapter 22

2009-01-05T22:59:00.000-08:00

The kid and I should have moved at some point, but instead we continued to stand and stare. I think we were both too surprised to even think. He was young, no more than a teenager. His hair was getting long and greasy, and a smattering of acne dotted his cheeks. His clothes were old and well worn, and I could see a toe sticking out of his sneakers. Guarded eyes looked out from under a broad forehead. His words finally broke the spell. “Oh hell no,” he breathed. Quick as a flash he turned around and bolted.

I was only a step behind, my fingers grazing the edge of his the hood on his tattered sweater. Our footsteps echoed through the room and we soon left the building, running through the rain that had begun to fall. I gritted my teeth in frustration as we splashed through a puddle, soaking my shoes. There was no way he was getting away now.

He skidded around a corner, disappearing from sight for a second. I rounded the same corner and fell over myself trying to avoid a collision with a large man standing with his arms crossed. I jumped to my feet, stammering an apology as I tried to get around him to continue after my quarry.

A large hand on my chest brought me up short. It was then that I noticed my young adversary was standing behind the behemoth, his arms crossed, a smug smile on his face. I stepped back a pace, looking up at the large man before me. “I suppose you two are pals, huh.”

“You want him, you have to go through me.” He flexed, his arms bulging out from his shirt.

I raised my hand in a placating gesture. “I don’t want to fight,” I said. “I just want to talk. He was in a building that had been blown up, a building very special to a woman I am friends with. I want to know if he knows anything, that’s all.” I looked past the large man at the kid I had been chasing, a pleading look on my face. Which was probably why I did not see the punch coming.

I was caught full on the face by a large, beefy fist, causing me to fly back, skidding to a halt in a pile of garbage. I rose to my feet, grimacing with pain. I could feel the bruise forming. “This is going to be difficult, isn’t it.”

The large man smiled and nodded.

For the next few minutes, I learned the finer art of being a punching bag. Making it worse was seeing the young man leaning against a wall, enjoying my thrashing. Finally I found myself lying, my face pressed hard into the concrete under a large boot. The edges of my vision began to turn black.

This is ridiculous I thought. I just wanted to talk. Suddenly, the pressure on my head lessened slightly. With a burst of energy I pushed his foot off and rolled aside. Rising to my feet, I swayed slightly. Mocking laughter rang in my ears. “You are less than useless,” he said derisively. Slowly he came towards me, casually reaching out to grab me in a bone crushing bear hug.

Waiting until the last second, I deftly stepped aside, kicking at his ankle and pushing his back at the same moment. Surprised, he stumbled forward, smacking his head into a wall. With a roar of pain, he whirled around, holding his head. Before he could react, I leapt forward, running into him at full speed, knocking his head against the wall with a dull thud. He slid senselessly to the ground.

Not pausing to see if he was out of the fight, I whirled around and grabbed the young punk, who’s smug look had faded. Twisting his arm behind him, I pushed him in the direction of Caz’s hideout, stepping over his fallen buddy as we walked. I had no idea what was going on, but this guy might have some answers. And if he didn’t, then maybe I could sit on him for a while for the pain he had caused me tonight.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 21

2009-01-01T21:21:00.000-08:00

The Stage is Set

Thunderfunk the Superchicken sat in the smoky bar, sipping his martini, gazing at the inebriated customers with barely concealed disdain. Actually, his disdain was not concealed at all, even remotely, but he was on his fourth martini of the night and was quite unaware of his own level of intoxication. He sneered at anyone who dared to sit next to him, leaving him in a satisfying personal bubble as he waited.

Waited for what? For the man who chose that moment to stride confidently, if not a bit unsteadily, through the door, stopping (and swaying slightly in a non-existent breeze) when he saw the giant chicken. “Thunder!” he roared. “What have you done to my team?”

Thunder watched as an impressive specimen of a man lumbered towards him. He was well over six feet and highly muscled. His black hair was cut short in a crew cut that he kept meticulously trimmed. He wore a modified army uniform, designed to flow better and be more breathable. Also, the arms had been removed to better show off his muscles. It was rumoured that the top was made to intentionally rip away so that all could see every muscle on his torso, but, though it happened in nearly every fight he fought, it had yet to be proved. His combat boots were highly buffed, and his pants hid an impressive array of weapons.

He did not rely on purely physical prowess, however. It was said that during night combat overseas somewhere he had performed and ancient and sacred ritual that had bestowed him with mystical powers - powers to control the minds of others, to perform incredible feats of strength, and to go a long time without food, water, or even air. These rumours had been started and maintained by First Lieutenant Awesomepants himself.

The truth was he drank some sort of funky serum, untested on anyone or anything, and it granted the ability to slow time, decrease gravity around himself (thus granting him the appearance of super strength) and to break wind that always smelled like lilacs in a warm summer breeze. The serum also contained many steroids which explained his muscles. He could not control minds, but he was an extremely persuasive speaker which made people think he could control their mind. The part about not needing food, water, or even air, was a complete fabrication.

“Thunder!” he roared again, coming to a halt in front of the giant chicken. The two foes stood face to face for a long time, glaring. Finally, Awesomepants spoke again. “Thunder!”

“What?” answered the chicken.

“I...I don’t remember.”

“Well good, because neither do I.”

Awkwardly staring at each other for another minute, the two scratched their heads in wonder. Finally Thunderfunk gestured to the bar. “Drink?” he inquired.

“Don’t mind if I do,” replied his arch nemesis. They sat down beside each other, Thunder with his fifth martini, and Awesomepants with his seventh beer of the evening.

Quietly, the rest of the customers exited the bar. They knew what was going to happen next.

Fools of us All - Chapter 21

2008-12-29T20:21:00.000-08:00

“There’s my girl!” A giant of a man strode across the room, lifting me into the air, swinging me around in dizzying circles.

“Daddy?” This seemed wrong somehow.

“You are getting so big,” he said, holding me easily in his muscled arms. “Soon I won’t be able to lift you anymore.”

I buried my head against his neck beneath his head, inhaling his musky scent, the aroma of Old Spice mixed with construction sites. He had smelled that way for as long as I could remember. Tears began to stream down my face.

“I know, dear. I miss him too.” My mom held me close, her own tears running down her face to drip onto my cheeks, mingling with my own.

I jerked back, looking at her. “No. I just saw him.” I could not believe what I was seeing. “He can’t be dead.” I stared into her eyes, seeing the pain and sorrow that was there. Stumbling back, I turned and ran out of the bedroom.

The sound of my feet slapping against the pavement echoed loudly in the night. My apartment was no longer mine. I was living on the street, running for my life from my attackers. Three men had surprised me as I tried to sleep in an alley, and I had only barely managed to get away. Their voices came from further away with every step. I ducked into another alley, running a meandering path through the streets until I found myself completely alone. I sat down, hugging my knees to my chest. I wanted to sleep, but was too frightened. What had my life become?

Dun put his hand on my shoulder, rousing me from my nap. The room was familiar, full of computer screens. Dar sat in the corner at his desk. He smiled at me and gave a small wave before turning back to his work. I looked up at Dun, and could only shudder. Why was this place not more comfortable? This was my home.

Without warning, everything started to fade into darkness. A darkness that threatened to engulf me completely.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 20

2008-12-26T10:45:00.000-08:00

Montage-ular

All over the world, Thunderfunk the Superchicken and Straw Daq travelled, facing the heroes that were planning on banding together to stop them. In Russia they fought a woman with cold temperature related powers, defeating her by luring her into a sauna where she melted (only a little). They left her unconscious on the floor, the heat cranked up full. Straw made an excuse to run back for a moment, slapped a power neutraliser on her head and shut off the sauna. He then stitched up his own cuts he got from fighting her polar bear.

In Mozambique they fought a man able to control trees by tricking him into facing them in the desert where there were no trees. The plan worked out well once they got away from the cacti as well. Straw spent a few hours picking needles out of his tender areas, and bandaging up cuts obtained from the hero’s bird as it attacked him. Fortunately for them, instead of joining the hero in the desert, the bird had migrated instead, which was odd because eagles don’t usually migrate. Or live in Mozambique for that matter.

In Egypt they battled a reincarnated Pharaoh (aka, a mummy) out to make restitution for the evil he had committed when he was alive the first time, as well as his cat, which was less benevolent than his master, leaving Straw covered in claw marks. Fortunately for him, while Thunder was unravelling the mummy, the cat suddenly decided that it was time for a nap. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Straw ran away to patch himself up. He considered kicking the cat, but didn’t want to risk waking it.

In Sweden they encountered a woman who was able to spontaneously generate meatballs and fire them at her foes. She was followed everywhere by an electric eel that flew and did not need to live in water, thus making her animal much more dangerous than her. Thunder dispatched of the woman by punching her once in the jaw. Straw dispatched of the eel by letting it shock him until it ran out of power and then collapsing on it, knocking it unconscious. When he awoke, he spent some time applying salves onto his burns.

They continued on in this fashion as they fought nine more foes in every corner of the world until they finally ended in Pennsylvania, where they battled the final hero: a man made of chocolate and able to shoot deadly streams of chocolate from his hands. Straw, glad to not be fighting an animal sidekick for once, got hit with a wayward blast of chocolate and was promptly mauled by a group of dogs who wanted to lick the chocolate that their owners usually denied them.

Later, Thunder stood by Straw’s hospital bed. “Get well soon, Straw,” he said. “But rest easy now. I go to confront mine mortal enemy - First Lieutenant Awesomepants, and from this battle, only one will emerge.” Clucking evilly, he left the room to make preparations.

Straw raised his head weakly. “What?” he muttered before falling back asleep. It had been a rough couple of weeks.

Fools of us All - Chapter Christmas

2008-12-23T15:15:00.000-08:00

Two people lay on the floor of a burned out building, each one curled into a tight ball under a jacket in a vain attempt to ward off the cool air of the night. Their eyes were closed, their breathing steady and deep, but the dreams they dreamed were neither restful nor merry.

Spin looked around, remembering the sights and sounds of the season. The tree in the living room, stretching to the ceiling, festive decorations adorning the sweet smelling pine branches. A toy train was set up, chugging away merrily around the tree, circling presents festooned with cheerful bows, almost as though it were guarding the gifts. The aroma of cookies filled the air, Santas waiting to be coloured with red and white icing, gingerbread men smiling happily on the cookie sheet. Tomorrow would be the turkey and mashed potatoes and pie and other things that Spin didn’t really care about. Everything was as he remembered.

Only, no one was around. He listened carefully, but the entire house was silent save for the noise of tiny wheels on tiny tracks around the tree. Slowly he made his way into the kitchen, but the cookies that should have been there were not. There were no crumbs, no bowls of icing, no thawing turkey, nothing. Even the pleasant smell of baking dissipated as he entered the room, leaving behind the scent of burnt food.

He made his way from room to room, moving faster with each empty room he found. Soon he found himself back in the living room, and now the tree had changed. The needles were all brown and half had fallen to the ground. The decorations lay scattered across the floor, many of them broken. The train, run on batteries, lay on its side, the wheels moving with a laboured slowness as the power ran down, the sound seeming pathetic in the sudden darkness.

Spin fell to the floor and began to cry, feeling like a child lost in the supermarket, wishing for his mother. Instead he was alone. All alone…

He woke suddenly, jumping to his feet and looking around in a panic, convinced that his horrible dream had come true. It took some time for him to remember where he was…when he was. Sitting down carefully so as not to disturb his companion, he leaned against a wall, relieved that it had only been a dream, but still disturbed all the same. He looked down at Caz, at the frown that seemed permanently etched onto her features, wishing there was something he could do. He wondered what she was dreaming.

Had he seen those dreams, he would have been less than happy…

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter Christmas

2008-12-18T22:40:00.000-08:00

Okay I lied. The Montage Will Be Next Week. Promise.

Thunderfunk yawned, stretching in his bed. These late night fights were tough on a person. He scratched his head, or tried to. Something besides his own feathered scalp was on his head. He felt around for a second, trying to identify what was there. Finally he plucked the thing off and brought it to eye level.

It was furry and conical. The colouring was red for the most part, though around the large opening it was rimmed with white, and there was a white poof on the pointy end. It was, in short, a Santa hat. What am I doing wearing a Santa hat? wondered Thunder. He swung his legs around so he was now sitting on the edge of the bed. Still holding the hat in one hand he absentmindedly scratched his belly with his other hand, slipping it between the buttons on the giant red coat he was wearing. The giant red coat he had never seen before in his life. He bolted to his feet and rushed to the bathroom, dreading what he might see.

Throwing on the light, he looked at his reflection in mute horror. Somehow, during the night, he had been dressed in a Santa costume, complete with a beard (and if you have never seen a chicken with a beard, then you are missing out). Angered and somewhat disgusted, he grabbed the beard and ripped it off, determined to find out who had done this to him.

When a person has a long beard, it is possible to do some damage to said person by grabbing his facial hair and pulling, giving one the ability to yank their head around violently and smash it into things. This, though perhaps mean and overly aggressive, is nothing too shocking (unless the person with the beard is a woman, in which case it is shocking for entirely different reasons).

When one does the same to oneself, however, it is slightly more impressive.

Thunderfunk awoke on the bathroom floor, laying amidst shards of broken glass, sporting an enormous goose egg on his head, one that matched, approximately, the dent that was now on the stainless steel sink. Stubbornly, the beard refused to leave, choosing to remain attached.

At that moment a furious knocking started at his door. Picking himself up, Thunder meandered towards the door, walking a crooked straight line to get there. He opened the door after composing himself. "Yes?" he said.

To his amazement, Straw Daq walked in wearing green tights, red curly shoes, a red coat of indeterminate cut, a pointy hat and pointy ears. He stormed to the centre of the room, fuming mad. "Not one word," he said, cutting off Thunder’s question. "I don’t want to hear it."

Thunder moved back to the bed where he sat down beside his sidekick. They remained there in awkward silence for a long time. "Nice beard," said Straw.

"Thanks," replied Thunder. "I like your hat."

"Thanks."

More silence.

Silence happened two more times.

Finally Thunder rose to his feet and headed to the door. "If we must," he said sadly, "then we must."

"I suppose," answered Straw, though he was unhappy about it.

Twenty minutes later the two of them stood at city hall, fighting the forces of good as they tried to kidnap the mayor in a convoluted plot that really does not bear repeating here. Explosions occurred around them as the heroes drew closer. Seeing his inevitable defeat, Thunder pulled out one last weapon - a gun that fired candy canes.

"Oh must I use this gaudy contraption?" he groused.

Yes. Yes you must.

"I despise this time of year," he muttered under his breath. He glanced over at Straw who was already wrapped in garland, a bow on his lips, effectively gagging him. The young man struggled mightily for a moment, closing his eyes in utter defeat, the fight seemingly knocked out of him. Turning back to the heroes, Thunder fired off a few shots, somewhat pleased when they exploded on contact. "At least there’s that," he said as the heroes closed to within arm's reach.

At the last second, a flying sleigh came zipping by trailing a rope. Thunder leapt and grabbed hold, getting pulled up out of harms way. The sled slewed around, lowering a hook that snagged the garland around Straw, pulling him along as well. Thunder climbed down his rope and grabbed Straw (after ripping off the bow)(and some skin)(and the results of two weeks of growing a moustache)(that’s right, he got both hairs), pulling him up into the sled.

"How did you arrange this?" yelled Straw over sound of the wind.

"I didn’t," replied the giant chicken. "I thought you did."

"No."

Puzzled, Thunderfunk crawled into the sled proper, and was only half-surprised to see what he saw – a jolly looking fat man wearing a fuzzy red coat with white trim, matching pants and hat, and a massive white beard. The sleigh was being pulled by eight flying reindeer (the ninth presumably not needed because it was a clear night). "Are you serious?" asked Thunder in a pained voice.

Smiling congenially, Santa nodded. "Of course I am," he replied.

"Then why are you helping us?" asked Straw as he finally struggled out of his bonds. "Shouldn’t you be helping the good guys? After all, you do give away toys to the good girls and boys every year."

Santa shrugged. "Can’t an evil mastermind give away toys once a year? I don’t have to be all evil, do I?"

Thunder rubbed his beak. "I really hate this time of year," he said. As they flew into the horizon, he cringed at Santa’s ‘Merry Christmas everyone!’, hoping that Easter would at least have the decency to leave him alone.

Fools of us All - Chapter 20

2008-12-15T21:53:00.000-08:00

I was trying to sleep without much success. Beside me Caz was breathing heavily, having passed out as soon as she laid down, exhausted from the whole ordeal. She had finally told me who it was that I had shot earlier that day. I looked down at her, glad to see that at least while she was sleeping she seemed able to put all of the betrayal and rough times behind her and look peaceful.

Rubbing my face with my hand, I rose to my feet, giving up on the idea of sleep for at least a little while. Dim lights still shone in a few places around this formerly secret hideout. I had wanted to leave, but Caz had been too exhausted to go anywhere, and it was her opinion that there would not be anyone coming to check this place out tonight, not with everything that happened at the warehouse. I hoped she was right.

We were currently in a back room that had largely escaped damage in the attack. The door closed tightly, which helped keep the rats out. I had noticed a few picking on the remains of the bodies, but I had not mentioned that to Caz. Carefully I swung the door open just far enough to sneak out, closing it behind me just as cautiously. Going outside would be a bad idea I knew, so I decided instead that I would explore the rest of the base. It was not very large, mostly consisting of the one large room which had been destroyed in the fight. There were some offices along the back and side, and I had hopes that there would be something useful in one of them. I moved to the first one, disappointed to see that it was completely empty. The door on the next office had been twisted in the fight and did not budge no matter how hard I pulled. I moved to the third one, finding that the door was slightly ajar. Listening carefully, I did not hear any sounds, so I swung the door fully open.

I don’t know who was more surprised - me, or the kid with whom I found myself face to face.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 19

2008-12-12T01:21:00.000-08:00

Heh Heh Heh...Dusseldorf.

Thunder sat back in his chair, reading his newspaper. Every once in a while he would glance out the window at the scenery rolling by. They were entering southern Germany on their way to Dusseldorf, having already passed through Spain, France and Switzerland. Small towns dotted the landscape, as did hills and patches of forest. Thunder went back to his paper.

Straw sat in the seat across from his boss, reading through his files, wondering about the strategy they would employ to combat their next foe, a German superhero by night, fashion designer by day. His superpower involved shooting fire from his hands, though due to his mysterious persona and lack of credible information, it was uncertain if that was the extent of his powers. It was rumoured that he could shoot multiple types of energy from his hands, but that was as of yet uncomfirmed. His name: Dusseldorf Kinder, which in English was the Dusseldorf Kid, earning him the title of having the name that sounded that lamest in both German and English. Also, and this was ironic given his fashion designer day job, he had the worst uniform of any superhero worldwide – even worse than Super Happy Go-Go Boots Joy. DK wore a white button up shirt with ruffles tipped in gold. The buttons only went halfway, leaving his day-glo orange undershirt exposed, and tufts of hair poking out from underneath that. Purple pants that hugged the hips and flared out at the bottom were tight enough that he did not have any pockets. His brown shoes were platform shoes with yellow laces. His belt, though tasteful, was black and thus did not match his shoes, and the belt buckle was a glittery silver oval with his initials carved in. And to top things off (literally, in fact), he had a comb over. Straw shuddered slightly at the picture.

Noticing the slight movement from the corner of his eye, Thunderfunk lowered his paper. "Who are we fighting next?" he asked. Silently his partner handed him the file. Examining it distastefully for a moment, the giant chicken handed it back. "This looks as though it should be easy. Don’t bother getting a hotel for this one – we’ll just pop in, destroy and humiliate him, and head out on the next plane. We have a busy schedule ahead of us."

"You know," mused Straw, stroking his chin thoughtfully, "at some point we’ll cross paths with First Lieutenant Awesomepants."

"Oh I think not," replied Thunderfunk from behind the business section. "We will eventually reach some heroes to whom he has spoken, but we will not face him directly. Not for a while. By the way," he continued, lowering the paper once again, "how many of these heroes do we have left?"

Shuffling his papers, Straw found the master list. "Fourteen," he answered, looking nonplussed. "How are we going to beat all of these people. It will take forever."

"Fear not, my good lad. There is only one viable option."

"You don’t mean..."

"Indeed. We will have a montage."

NEXT WEEK: THUNDERFUNK, THE MONTAGE!

"Who said that?" Thunder looked around. "Listen disembodied voice. I told you before to go away and stop following me. It’s getting weird."

SORRY. I JUST WANT TO HELP.

"Well you’re creepy and Straw has trouble sleeping at night because of you. Now go away. Sheesh."

ALL RIGHT. GOODBYE.

SERIOUSLY - MONTAGE!

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 18

2008-12-08T22:35:00.000-08:00

I Don't Even Know How To Play Gin

Straw faked to his right and then dove to his left. The bull, trained by Ole! himself only missed his mark because he was laughing too hard to aim properly. Straw rose to his feet and dusted himself off. "I know, it was a weak move, but it’s been a long day."

The bull nodded appreciatively and then charged, accelerating to killing speed in the blink of an eye. His horns caught a bit of light and gleamed a deadly gleam. He lowered his head, squinting his eyes every so slightly to better hone in on his target. It was almost as though a bullseye was painted on this villain’s heart. With a roar of mad glee, the bull craned his neck, preparing to skewer his opponent.

This would be a good time to check on Thunderfunk the Superchicken. His battle with Ole!, the Spanish superhero was going well. Super speed was actually a relatively easy power to counter when one was a super genius, as Thunderfunk was. It was all about calculating probabilities and chance and simply sticking out a solid object. Invariably the speedster would run into the object. Usually their speed was almost faster than they could handle themselves, meaning straight lines were easy for them, but sudden cornering was much harder. The human brain, after all, was only meant to handle certain speeds, and anything beyond that was a struggle.

Ole! stood on a rock, his uniform torn and dirty, a few nasty bruises on his head and arms, and possibly his torso, though that was still mostly covered, and thus it was hard to tell. He had taken his lumps, but he had given them out as well. Thunderfunk was missing a few tufts of feathers here and there, and one eye had been blackened by sharp jab. They stood facing each other, breathing hard in the desert heat.

"You fight well, senor," said the Spanish hero. "But it is up to me to stop your evil ways."

"Pshaw," replied Thunder. "You are nothing but a pawn to that arrogant First Lieutenant Awesomepants."

"I don’ know what you are talking about," replied Ole!, though he sounded somewhat nervous. "I was merely resting here when you attacked me." He managed to sound affronted.

Thunder chuckled. "You cannot lie to me. I was monitoring the airwaves in this region, and we heard Awesomepants contact you. We were able to use the signal to locate you." Taking a small step forward, the giant chicken clucked sadly. "I hope you realise that this is just his attempt at a coup. After he rids the world of myself and my associate, he will turn on all of you, making you his slaves, except for those he kills outright." He stepped forward again, positioning himself for his next strike.

"That’s a lie," replied Ole! "He told me you would come with lies and try to trick me. But it won’ work."

"Of course he said that," Thunder said sympathetically. "It’s hard to betray someone if you don’t first gain their trust. Think about it for a moment. In your long and illustrious career, has First Lieutenant Awesomepants ever come to you for anything, or contacted you in any way?" He smiled inwardly at the look of anger and confusion that crossed the Spaniard’s face. "Of course not. Not until he needs to use you before tossing you away like a used hanky."

"NO!" Reaching behind his back, Ole! pulled out his cape and started waving it. "You canno’ tell me your lies. You will not tell me your lies." He waved the cape slowly, flapping it enticingly in front of the chicken’s face.

Despite his best efforts, Thunder felt himself slowly losing control of his mind, the hypnotic effect of the cape washing over him. He relaxed, losing himself in a dreamlike state.

Suddenly, both the Spaniard and the giant chicken looked over at their sidekicks. "Gin!" said Straw, slapping down his cards. The bull grunted in frustration began shuffling the cards while Straw wrote down the score. "I am totally beating you," gloated the young man. He backed down slightly and meekly accepted his cards when the giant beast snorted loudly in his direction. "I’m just sayin’ is all," he said softly. He looked over and caught Thunder’s eye. "Oh. Uh..frankly, it’s too hot to actually fight," he said apologetically. "This seemed easier."

"Lucy?" said the Spaniard. The bull looked sheepish, though whether it was because his partner had caught him playing cards, or because everyone now knew that his name was Lucy, it was hard to tell.

"You," said Thunder, reaching into his coat pocket, "are coming close to losing my confidence, Mr. Daq." He pulled out a gun and shot Ole! in the shoulder. The hero fell down, too surprised to even cry out in pain. Striding over, Thunder slapped a neural neutraliser onto the man’s head, watching it disappear as the previous one had. "Come," he said to Straw. "We must go." He left the hero to be rescued by his speedy bull. Or not. He was too hot to care.

Fools of us All - Chapter 19

2008-12-04T22:53:00.000-08:00

Tears would come later, I knew, but for now I was too tired and angry to care. I almost let that anger drive me to a fatal mistake, but Spin was paying more attention and he grabbed my arm before I could stumble around the corner without checking. Voices drifted down the hall, at least four of them, likely drawn by the sound of the blaster. But they had learned caution at this point and were proceeding carefully. That left us time to duck back and make some plans of our own.

A few minutes later we stood out in the relatively fresh air, the rain falling down our faces and matching my mood exactly. I stared into the grey sky, letting the water run down my face. Why did you have to betray me like that? I had nothing until you gave me a purpose a showed me that there really was something worth living for. Now you had left me with nothing once again.

I was grateful for Spin’s silence. We walked for a couple of hours, dodging police cars and M.E.R.C. patrols. The rain finally let up, allowing the weak evening sun to break through, casting long shadows on the sidewalk.

I wasn’t even thinking, just walking to get away until the smell of smoke and charred flesh brought me back to my senses and showed that I had gone back to where it had all began. The remains of my old hideout stood before me. I couldn’t even begin to guess how long it had been since I had been here last, but there were no happy memories that remained. Only after twenty minutes of standing and staring did Spin’s gentle cough finally prompt me to action. With morbid curiosity I stepped through the door that was hanging askew from a single hinge, wrinkling my nose at the smell. A weak beam of light played across my body, the remnants of our weapons scan. I was heavily armed, but I knew that the automatic defences were no longer an issue so I just walked through the hole that used to be a door.

Inside there was nothing left. Computers laid smashed, desks were splintered, and bodies were strewn everywhere. A smoking crater was all that remained of Dun’s old office, the walls collapsed around it. I viewed it all with a stoic calm, too numb to feel anymore.

That’s what I thought, anyway. There was nothing left that could be of any use to us, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I just stood and stared, taking a step or two every once in a while before a new memory hit me, flooding my mind with images that should be merely sad but now had turned tragic. My breathing became laboured, but I didn’t notice. Or care. Another step forward and I tripped, landing hard on the ground. I looked up, only to be confronted by the seared body of Dar, and that was it. I let it all out then, crying tears for the dead, lamenting the hand that life had dealt me.

After what felt like a few hours of laying curled up on the floor and crying, the tears finally subsided. Moving awkwardly to a sitting position, I scooted myself over to where Spin was leaning against a wall, watching me with quiet concern. “Do you feel better now,” he asked quietly, the first words he had spoken to me in hours.

All I could do was nod mutely, but my life had been flipped upside down so many times in the last week that I knew I could make no solid promise the feeling better would last.

Fools of us All - Chapter 18

2008-12-02T00:08:00.000-08:00

I stared at the door that the General had just shut rather rudely in my face. I had desperately wanted to be in that room, but it was hard to argue with a guy as big as the man I had been following. I wasn't sure if Caz had noticed me or not, she seemed rather focused on the guy. With a shrug of my shoulders I turned around and stood before the door, holding the gun I had stolen from the M.E.R.C. soldier whose clothes I was now wearing. There was a pair of guards standing on my left, and a pair on my right. I had never felt quite so alone in my life.

I didn't know where I was, and I didn't even know when I was. Things had started moving really fast ever since I met the strange girl from the future, and now I was standing outside of a room where she had been captured and was probably about to be killed and I could do nothing about it.

"The General seemed a little upset," said one of the other guards. I looked over at him and noticed that his gun was holstered. In fact, all of their guns were holstered. That gave me a weapons advantage. Plus, I had the element of surprise because they wouldn't be expecting an attack.

Silently thanking my mom for making me take years of martial arts and gymnastics, I lashed out suddenly with a fist, knocking the first guard to his knees, doubled over in pain. Instantly I swung at the man beside him, knocking him out against the wall. Before the other two had a chance to react I spun around and levelled my gun at them. They raised their hands in surrender, so I was as gentle as I could be when I knocked them out. The first guard was still awake, and he was trying to get his weapon up to get a shot at me, but a quick knee to his face put a stop to that. The activity had only lasted for a few moments, and now I was alone in the hall, able to make a move at rescuing Caz. I faced the door just as it opened, revealing the large man standing there, scowling down at me.

I looked down at the guards laying at my feet, and then back at the large man. I shrugged, feigning innocence. That was when it finally registered that he was also holding a gun. Without a thought I raised my own weapon and fired, catching him right in the chest. He fell back, a stunned look on his face. I turned my gun to cover the General, who also looked surprised. "Don't move gramps," I said. "I just want to take her and get out of here."

Slowly I moved over to the table where Caz was strapped down and removed the restraints. Immediately she went over to the large man, now dead on the ground. She just stared down at him, tears streaking her face.

"We have to get out of here," I said quietly.

She nodded. Looking up, she glanced at the General and then motioned with her head.

I smiled. "Well, sir, today is your lucky day. You get to not die." With that I turned my gun around and hit him across the face with the back of the gun, knocking him out. As he slumped to the floor I rejoined Caz at the door.

She glanced back at the man on the floor and looked like she wanted to speak, but then just shook her head sadly and left the room. I followed, wondering about what I had just seen.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 17

2008-11-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

Upside Down Exclamation Mark

Straw grimaced slightly, wiping his hand on his pants. Ever since he fought the octopus in Japan, he had been finding gooey ink on his body. He had only had time for an extremely rushed shower before he and Thunderfunk had checked out of their hotel and headed for their next destination: Spain. They were now sitting in a jeep, peering through the dust in the hot midday sun, looking for their next target.

His name was Ole! and he was a Spanish superhero. His garb was that of a stereotypical matador, showing, in Thunderfunk’s opinion, an appalling lack of imagination and style. His powers included the telepathic control of cows and bulls, super speed, and a mystical cape that hypnotised people into attacking it rather than the wielder.

Thunder clasped Straw’s shoulder and pointed, handing his binoculars to his protege. "I believe," he said, licking his beak, "that we have found our prey." He opened a flask and drained the water it contained within.

Straw stared at the man they had to face. The blazing sun bounced dazzlingly off of his clothes, slightly blinding Straw, leaving purple afterimages on his retinas. He was sitting on a rock, legs crossed, eyes closed, either meditating or sleeping. Turning the key in the jeep, Straw tossed the glasses on the seat beside him and shifted into gear, starting with a jerk. He hit the brakes and waited for Thunder to climb back into the vehicle. "Sorry," he muttered, making sure that the giant bird was holding tightly before he eased the vehicle forward.

They pulled up near the rock and exited the vehicle, walking to stand before the superhero, blocking the sun and leaving him in their shadows. For a long time no one spoke. Finally Thunderfunk cleared his throat.

"Away with you," said Ole!, his English thickly accented.

"Do you know how far we’ve come?" asked Thunder.

"Si."

"And do you know why we have come?"

"Si."

"Then you know we cannot leave."

"Si." Suddenly the Spaniard stood behind them, a slight unsettling of the dust the only evidence of his travel. "But you canno’ defeat me," he said confidently.

Thunder was less than impressed. "Your speed does not impress me, and your clothes frankly disgust me. Give us your best shot."

Smiling, Ole! clapped his hands twice, striking a flamboyant pose, his churrigueresque outfit flaring brilliantly in the sun.

Straw squeezed his eyes shut against the glare. A soft noise behind them caught his attention. Slowly he turned, cracking open his eyes, and groaning inwardly at what he saw. An extremely large bull with sharpened horns that for some reason glittered in the sunlight was less than two feet away. A grin seemed to play on its massive lips. The blackness of his hide seemed to absorb all light that came near it. With a heavy heart, Straw looked up at his boss. "I suppose," he said, shoulders slumped, "that you will handle Ole! while I take care of the bull?"

"Of course, my dear boy. You must protect my back at all times."

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Straw closed his eyes painfully. "Of course," he agreed. This just was not going to be his week. He could tell.

Fools of us All - Chapter 17

2008-11-24T23:23:00.000-08:00

I did not wake up slowly or gently. A loud sound roused me from my enforced slumber, causing me to strain forward against restraints that I could not remember being placed on me. My eyes flew open for a brief second, slamming shut against the bright light that seemed to surround me. I took a moment to evaluate.

My jaw was aching, a dull pain that spread to the rest of my head. My arms and legs were strapped down tightly, too tight to even consider moving. The room was uncomfortably warm, which, when combined with the bright light, made me think that I was in some sort of interrogating room. Slowly I cracked open one eye, giving it time to get used to the light. It was impossible to see anything else, so I sat back and just listened instead. A humming sound was in the background, faint, almost like a mosquito flying around the room at night. The shuffle of at least two pairs of feet on the tile floor came to me, which, when combined with the fact that I was very firmly strapped onto a table, showed that they really did not want me to escape. That, however, was my first order of business. I just wish I knew how.

"I thought I saw her eyes move," came a voice. "What should we do?"

The humming sound grew louder. "I can't tell if she is awake or not. This equipment is a piece of..." The thought was left unfinished as the door opened. Two pairs of feet snapped together.

I cracked open one eye and watched as the General I had noticed before entered the room. He dismissed the two soldiers who had been guarding me. As the door closed behind them I noticed the General's aide, the one with the cold eyes, regarding me thoughtfully as he conferred with one of the M.E.R.C. soldiers. Just before the door swung completely shut I heard the soldier say something about 'the other one'.

Before I could process any of this information, the General spoke. "Well my dear," he said, sounding friendly, considering the circumstances. "So we meet at last."

I opened my eyes fully now, able to stand the light, and knowing that there was no point in feigning sleep any longer. But I didn't speak, instead letting him carry the conversation.

"I must say, your picture doesn't do you justice. I see that your time in the past has greatly improved your sense of fashion."

I looked down at myself, at the dress and shoes that I was still wearing, a disguise from a time not my own. The wig had long fallen off, but at least a couple of the rings were still on my finger. A shrug was about the only reaction I allowed.

The General smiled down at me benignly. "Oh come now dear, don't be so bashful. After all, we are all friends here."

There was something about the way his smile changed that did not sit well with me. What exactly did he mean by that? A moment later the door opened and I had the answer. A large man walked through the door, a man large enough that he almost filled the entire doorway. He turned and spoke to his guard. "Don't let anyone in," he intoned, but that booming voice was hard to hide. He turned back to me.

"Bastard."

He took the epithet silently, merely staring at me. Behind him his guard seemed to be waving his hands or doing something. Whatever it was the General didn't seem to appreciate it because he went and closed the door manually.

Silence stretched out before us, covering the past that had been between us. It was he who spoke first, but only because I could find no more words to say. "I did not imagine, Caz, that when I took you under my wing that it would be you who would end up in this position." Dun, the man who had mentored me, trained me, and in many ways, been a father to me, stood before me now, hale and hearty, looking much less dead than the last time I had seen him. "The prophecy was quicker in being fulfilled than I had imagined it would be." He exhaled heavily. "I thought there would be more time before the chosen one was revealed."

Words found me again. "I suppose," I said vehemently, "that you wanted to spare me, or that you didn't want anyone to get hurt."

He shrugged. "It would have been my preference, but I'm not all that concerned. Death does not bother me, not when it happens to those who stand in my way."

"You make me sick." It was impossible to tell if my tears were those of anger or of sorrow.

That comment seemed to sting him ever so slightly, putting him in a mood to pontificate. "I think you are failing to see the entire picture here, but that is my fault, I suppose. You see, the prophecy which was shared with you was not the entire story. The prophecy that you knew was that you are destined to find the one to save the world, that you were to stand with him at the end, victorious. That was only partly true."

Despite myself, I was interested. What more was there to the prophecy? I raised an eyebrow, signalling him to go on.

"Still feisty I see." A small chuckle escaped his lips. "That is good to see. It will make your death easier. Because die you will. The original prophecy does not end so triumphantly for you, I'm afraid. The warrior will lead humanity to salvation, says the omen, but his herald, the one sent to bring him to this new glory is destined to die. There is nothing you can do, your story has already been told."

"But I don't get it. If I am going to die anyway, why did you have to betray the entire organisation, and why are you so determined to kill me now? What do you gain if my story is already told?"

"Funny thing about prophecies - they are notoriously hard to predict, and even harder to recognise when they are happening. The organisation was concerned about this, and so I was sent to find out all the information that I could. What I found shook my faith and changed my point of view.

"All of my life I had been raised with this promise, and as I grew older and joined the organisation I was extremely enthusiastic. But then nothing seemed to happen. There were great promises from the leaders, and preparations to be made, but nothing ever seemed to change. The world got worse and worse and by the time I was sent on the fact-finding expedition, I was wracked with doubt. As we explored the ancient teachings I found some seeming inconsistencies, some questions that I couldn't reconcile with the prophecy as we knew it. So I dug deeper, keeping my findings to myself.

"The prophecy we knew wasn't the only one out there. Another oracle had spoken, foretelling of one who is to wield fantastic power, greater than that of any mortal man before. To get that power, all that person had to do was kill one other person. But not just any other person. No, the one who died was very specifically laid out. It was the herald of one who would come to save the world. It was you.

"Understandably, my faith was shaken. How could both of these prophecies be true? I never reported my findings to the organisation. Instead I waited and studied, seeing what I could find. In the end I came to the realisation that one prophecy was false, and one prophecy was true." Reaching into his jacket, he pulled out a gun and levelled it at me. "Your fate was sealed the minute you walked into that meeting, Caz. I am sorry that it had to be you, but I cannot stand in the way of destiny."

A pair of loud thumps sounded in the hallway outside the door. It took a moment, but Dun finally turned and looked at the General, who merely shrugged and motioned at the door. With a heavy sigh the large man turned and opened the door. One of the M.E.R.C.s was standing facing the door. On either side of him were two soldiers lying motionless on the ground. There was a moment of shocked silence as the soldier looked to either side of himself and that back at Dun, shrugging with theatrical nonchalance, as if to say he didn't know what was happening either.

Then he raised his gun and fired.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 16

2008-11-20T21:24:00.000-08:00

It's Not Octopi, Apparently

Thunderfunk the Superchicken had faced many foes in his life. This was the first time he had been completely flummoxed though. Slowly he circled his opponent, Super Happy Go-Go Boots Joy, and did his best to ignore the loud crashes, angry curses, and occasional banana that came from Straw Daq’s battle with the octopus.

Clearing his throat, he began to taunt his foe. "You think you are able to defeat me," he said in a higher pitched voice than normal, "but I am the greatest. You cannot defeat me."

"But I must defeat you," replied the Japanese hero rapidly. "You are evil and good must always triumph."

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" said Thunderfunk. He ran at the behemoth before him, shouting "Ancestor’s Candlewick Snuff-out Punch!" as he leapt into the air.

"Kick of a Thousand Tiny Papercuts!" replied his foe as he too leapt into the air. For nearly a minute the two of them flew towards each other, screaming, their mouths round and huge. At the last second, Thunder shook his head. What am I doing? he asked himself. I can’t match his strength. Also, ‘ha-ha-ha-ha’? Did I really say that? Furiously he flapped his wings a few times, giving himself just enough lift that Super Happy Go-Go Boots Joy passed underneath him. A giant question mark appeared above his head as he fell to the ground where he landed with a resounding crash. Thunder gently landed on an overturned car.

Before he could try and press his advantage, a black shape went soaring past him. A second later, the ink covered form of Straw Daq stalked by. "I hate cephalopods," he said darkly.

Despite feeling sympathetic, Thunder had his own battle to worry about. Hurrying forward, he found Super Happy rising shakily to his feet. With careful concentration, Thunder spoke. "This world you have created around you is fascinating," he said, fighting to keep his voice at its normal pitch and speed. "I must study it some day, when I have your brain in a jar."

"Huh?" said Super Happy. He turned and posed in a fighting stance.

"Oh no, good sir. I am not falling into a bout of fisticuffs." Straw found it easier to speak if he spoke like one who had lived a hundred years ago. "My strength lies not in the brawn of my arms...um...wings, but in the power of my brain." His foe shouted again and charged forward, but by concentrating, Thunder was able to avoid panicking and succumbing to the rules of this world. As the young Japanese man neared, he merely stepped aside, sticking out a foot to trip up the larger man. The resulting crash shook the buildings around them and plowed a furrow in the street. "I would thank you not to rumple my suit, dear fellow," called out Thunder. "It cost a pretty penny at the local haberdashery. A pretty penny indeed."

And thus the battle went. Slowly Thunderfunk was able to wear down his opponent until finally Super Happy Go-Go Boots Joy laid in the street, defeated. The world around them was returned to normal once again. Tokyo citizens looked on in stunned silence as the Superchicken strode over to where their hero lay, cackling evilly. "A mighty fine show, lad, but it should be manifestly clear that you were no match for me." Placing a foot on the Japanese symbol, Thunder leaned forward. "I could kill you right now, and I probably should." He enjoyed the moment of terror that passed through the young man’s eyes. "However, my associate has convinced me that on this day it would be better to spare your life. But since I cannot have you roaming free to try and thwart me again..." Suddenly he pulled a small device out of his suit and slammed it into Super Happy’s head, causing it to bounce painfully against the broken pavement. As the young man lapsed into unconsciousness, Thunder chuckled malevolently. "A little something I whipped up. You shall awake with a headache and the inability to use your powers." Before his eyes, the device seemed to sink into the head, disappearing from sight completely. "And you will not even know why."

With that, Thunder strode away purposefully. He was joined by Straw moments later. Still covered in ink, the young man was also sporting a banana in each ear, and the remnants of many more were stuck to his body. "Not a word," he said emphatically. "Not a single word."

Fools of us All - Chapter 16

2008-11-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

So this is the future, eh? I thought to myself as I ran. So far I am not impressed. I ducked through the doorway and skidded to a halt, turning just in time to see Caz obscured by a cloud of debris from the ceiling. Well, there was nothing I could do so I turned back and dove through the doors, praying at the last minute that they weren't locked shut.

They banged open and I went tumbling across the floor, ending up against a door. Shaking my head to clear it I looked up and down the hallway, noting with satisfaction that the doors had swung shut behind me, muting the sounds coming from the large room on the other side. The door that I was leaning against was the first door on the right, so I rose to my feet and hurried down the hall to the third door on the left. The doorknob was cold as I started to turn it slowly, trying to be somewhat covert on the off chance that there was someone within. Perhaps I could surprise them.

Thanks to the fact that I wasn't making much noise on my own I became aware of some loud voices coming from a room down the hall. I was going to ignore them until I heard someone say the name "Caz" quite loudly. Intrigued, I headed in that direction, crouching to avoid being seen through the frosted windows. There were two voices coming from the room, quite audibly to my surprise.

"What is going on?" came the first voice, a deeply soothing voice, though there was a discordant edge to it at the moment. A silhouette passed across the window, arms waving in the air.

It was a moment before there was a reply, long enough that I was starting to wonder if maybe he was talking me somehow. But then a second voice spoke up, this one sounding quite agitated and angry as he said what he knew.

"Interesting," came the first voice again after listening to the explanation of the past few minutes. "It would appear that when Caz returned she brought two friends with her."

"So there are three people running around here now?"

A slight chuckle. "You misunderstood me. She brought back one person, a young man..."

"The prophesied one!" I couldn't miss the sarcastic sneer in his voice at that.

"Ah, yes," came the slightly derisive reply. "Him. But along with them came a missile of some sort, possibly from the portable rocket launchers you sent back with the M.E.R.C. squad?"

A groan. "I knew sending those goon squads back would end be trouble."
"Yes, quite right. However, I must say that if it was engineered on purpose by the lass or the lad, then perhaps we should reassess matters somewhat." There was a pause. "Or perhaps not. It would appear that Caz is now under our control. The boy is not from this time and will be easy corral in the near future. The machine is still operational and the organisation is on the run. You have done well for us. Now all that is left is to get any information from the girl that we can and then dispose of her." There was a weighty pause. "That, I shall leave up to you."

Chills ran down my spine and settled in my gut at that. Just then a hand came down on my shoulder. Without thinking I grabbed it and flipped the person over my shoulder, using one of the throws taught to me by my martial arts instructor. The man landed heavily on the ground, sending his helmet flying, and I quickly lashed out with a pair of punches to the face, knocking him to unconsciousness. I dragged him around the corner, trying to figure out what to do. I had to save Caz somehow and I had no idea how to do it. Unless...

A few moments later I pulled the helmet over my head, flipping the face guard down to completely obscure my features. I had no idea if this would work, but I had no other options open to me. It seemed to work in the movies, even when it was most unlikely. Such as now. The door opened and out walked a large man, likely the owner of one of the voices from the room. I snapped to attention, holding my breath. My best bet was the fact that the M.E.R.C.s seemed to be mercenaries, hired for a job and not really a part of whatever group I was now facing. With any luck that would mean that this man didn't know any of the troops personally.

"Come with me," he said, confirming that he had been one of the people talking in the room, "I need an escort to the prisoner room." He started walking away briskly and I followed, breathing a silent sigh of relief.

As I passed the door I snuck a look from the corner of my eye. It was empty save for a screen against one wall and a gumball machine in the corner, which seemed odd. The other voice must have been from somewhere else in the building.

As we reached the doors to the main warehouse area the man paused and turned to me. "Make sure your weapon is fully armed and ready to go. We have a prisoner to dispose of." He turned and exited the hallway, not pausing long enough to see me shudder. This was not going well at all.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 15

2008-11-13T21:36:00.000-08:00

It Has Begun!

The sun was just breaking over the horizon, but in the urban jungle that was Tokyo the streets were still covered in the shadows of the buildings. Moments earlier an explosion had rocked the area flipping cars into the air, sending them crashing down in the morning gloom. Smoke settled across the road, giving the scene the feeling of a London fog. Thunderfunk the Superchicken stood at the end of the street, laughing evilly at the chaos around him. A young man in an old style pilot’s helmet and goggles leaned casually against a light post, munching on a fruity oaty bar. Civilians scattered like pins at a bowling alley.

And then, out of the smoke stepped a figure. No, more than a figure – a legend. He wore a spandex suit so tight it was almost painted onto his massive, rippling muscles. Baby blue go-go boots came up nearly to his knees and matched the soft blue of his eyes perfectly. His orange spandex contrasted nicely with the boots, and the single Japanese character in black shadow with a white outline somehow managed to tie the entire ensemble together. His massive arms looked particularly well defined and a sheen of sweat made his skin glisten. A cape was attached at the neck and it flapped enthusiastically in a breeze that moments ago had not been there.

Thunderfunk glared down the street and laughed. "Do you think you can frighten me?" he mocked.

A single beam of light chose that moment to bounce off of a window into another window, and from there it landed on Super Happy Go-Go Boots Joy, suffusing him with a soft, angelic glow.

Thunder swallowed hard. That was an impressive trick.

And then there was no more time for thoughts as the battle was joined. Yelling unintelligibly in Japanese, SHGGBJ darted forward. Suddenly the world around Thunder changed. The buildings disappeared, replaced by a dark red background all around him. SHGGBJ was running towards him, still yelling, but somehow he failed to come any closer. The world around him was a bright green colour and was somehow blurred as though seen at great speed. The Japanese hero leapt impossibly high in the air, and suddenly Thunder could understand what he was saying: "Leave Boot Impression In Enemies Face Sudoku Attack!" His background was now yellow.

Disoriented, Thunder could feel himself break out in sweat. A giant drop of sweat appeared at the side of his head, and he opened his mouth impossibly wide. "Oh no!" he shouted as the hero’s go-go boot came hurtling towards his head. At the last minute he threw himself backwards, and the boot only caught a glancing blow. Thunder flew back slowly, the red background changing to a streaky white background. Finally he came crashing to the ground.

He rose to his feet, a little confused about what just happened. "Did you just..." he began before being pelted with a banana. "Uh," he began again, only to be hit with another banana. Pivoting on his heel he glared at the octopus that was clinging to the light post next to Daq, another peeled banana in one of his tentacles. "Cut that out!" snapped the chicken. He turned to face his foe again, only to be hit with a dozen more bananas. A string of Japanese words floated by, each one flicking him right on the beak. Blinking hard, Thunder glanced back at the light post. "Deal with it," he growled at Straw. Striding forward a step, he ducked, avoiding another hurled banana.

"Deal with it?" groused Straw under his breath. "Like that is so easy." Rolling up his sleeves, he briefly considered wondering about where the silk aviator’s scarf that was wrapped around his neck had come from, but wisely decided that it was not worth the effort. Reaching up he grabbed the octopus around the area where its neck theoretically would be. "Let’s talk," he said, pulling it down and staring into its eyes. The battle was now fully begun. Beginned? No, begun.

Fools of us All - Chapter 15

2008-11-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

It has always amazed me at how some pain is familiar. Something happens at one point in your life, and then it happens again, maybe not for days, weeks, even years, and yet as soon as it happens your body tells you that this is familiar, this is known, you have felt this before and survived. There is almost a comfort to it. Maybe it is a natural coping mechanism, something that your body does to help get through pain, to make survival that little bit easier. I don't know.

All of that being said, it still hurt. I gasped loudly as we rematerialized, the pain of our passage through time echoing on every nerve in my body. I barely had time to see Spin's wide eyes before a massive explosion occurred behind us, throwing me from my knees to flat on my stomach, heat washing over me, singing the tips of my hair. I knew that surprise and chaos could only work for us for a short time so I wordlessly pushed myself to my feet and grabbed Spin's arm, trying to get him to rise as well. It took a moment but he finally shook off the shock of time passage and rose unsteadily to his feet.

I glanced around to get my bearings. We were back in the warehouse and to my relief no one had repaired the massive hole in the side. Probably they had just thrown up a holo-imager to make the building look secure until they could get a refab team in to make the building whole once again.

I grabbed Spin's hand and yanked him forward, heading straight for the opening. We had only run a few steps when he suddenly pulled on my arm, dragging us to a stop. I looked back and he wordlessly pointed to the edges of the hole. I swore and ducked behind a container. In my eagerness to escape I had failed to notice the a group of uniformed men standing on either side, weapons drawn. Damn, why did they have to actually be well trained for once.

My mind raced. How were we going to escape now? I didn't know the building very well, having spent most of my previous stay here in a small room being poked and prodded by doctors. But I had explored that room quite extensively. A plan began to form in my mind.

We had been back in the warehouse for no more than ten seconds at this point. Due to the explosion there was mass confusion. A quick look around showed me a few things. At various exit points around the building were some highly disciplined M.E.R.C. troops who had remained on station despite everything. The time machine was still sitting where it had been, thankfully intact as near as I could tell. The door to Amanda Brun's command room high above the floor was flung open and a man in a general's uniform was stepping out, looking wild-eyed. Someone of lower rank but obviously steadier nerves stepped out beside him and pulled the general back into the room. The aide paused for a moment to survey the situation. His eyes met mine briefly and even across the expanse between us I could see the hint of a cold smile cross his lips. I knew we had to move now.

I leaned in close to Spin. "I need to create another diversion," I said hurriedly. "When I give the word you rush towards that door there." I pointed at an unguarded door. "It leads to the medical facilities. Go into the third room on the left, I'll join you as soon as I can."

He looked at the open floor between him and the door and sighed. "Be careful," was all he said.

At least he was willing to go along without knowing the plan. That was helpful. "Okay, go!" At the same time I dove out to a roll and came up running, hoping that everyone would still be too concerned with the fire that had resulted from the explosion to notice one more person rushing around. The fire alone may have been enough of a distraction, but I needed something to really hold their attention.

No more than thirty seconds from the time I returned to my present I was at the time machine controls. They didn't make much sense to me, but I could recognise a power button when I saw one. I hit the button and nothing happened. Cursing under my breath I thought to when I had been transported back in time - what had the technician done? Before he hit the button he had twisted a few knobs or thrown some switches. I looked at the controls again but nothing seemed obvious. So I did the only thing I could think of and started throwing switches and twisting dials at random. Once again I hit the button and this time was rewarded with a loud crackling of energy. The machine itself, high up on the platform, leapt to life loudly, making a satisfying amount of noise. Without looking back I jumped away from the controls and started running to the hallway where I had sent Spin.

What I had not counted on was a beam of energy lancing out and striking the ceiling. Debris rained down in front of me as part of the roof caved in. A cloud of dust spread out, obscuring my vision, but also obscuring everyone else's. Unfortunately, my path was also obstructed. I turned and ran back the way I had come, racing by the machine once again. There was another set of rooms on this side of the building. Hopefully everything would be organised the same way.

I burst through the doorway into an empty hall. It was short with a left hand turn at the end. As I reached the turn there was another explosion in the main warehouse area. The force of the explosion was enough to cause me to stumble forward around the corner. Before I could recover my equilibrium something solidly connected with my jaw. I fell back, slapping my head against the wall. As I faded into darkness, my last thought was for Spin.

Thunderfunk the Superchicken - Chapter 14

2008-11-06T23:14:00.000-08:00

Lost in the Translation

Straw sat in front of the mobile work station that he had set up in the hotel. He was drumming his fingers nervously as he waited for the highly encrypted satellite to finish connecting with his computer. Thunder was still stewing furiously over the colours in the room. Finally, with a wave of his wing and an angry ‘bah!’ he rose to his feet and stood beside his lackey, just as the systems finished establishing contact. "What information do we have?" he asked, all traces of anger erased from his voice.

Relaxing only slightly, Straw pulled up the relevant files from the supercomputer back in the secret lair. "Okay, so it would appear that First Lieutenant Awesomepants he has targeted ten superheroes to gather together as a team. Once that team is gathered they will come after us."

"Only ten? That is nothing. We should not even bother trying to stop them gathering, I think."

Looking up at his boss, Straw shook his head. "I don’t know, Thunder. It looks like he’s got some pretty heavy hitters in mind."

"Oh?" Despite himself, Thunderfunk was interested. "Like who?" It really grated on him that there were things he did not already know, but that was why he kept one lacky alive - it made the whole information process much easier.

"Well, take this first guy for example - Super Happy Go-Go Boots Joy. I’m told that it loses something in the translation from the Japanese. But his powers are pretty impressive. He has the ability to turn the battleground around him into a weird world of music, flashing lights, odd colours, and the occasional talking octopus."

"Talking octopus?"

"Yeah. Those who encounter him say that the rules of the land are very hard to operate in for everyone besides him. He knows how to use the disorientation field to his advantage while his foes (that would be us) are left puzzled and angered (that would be you)."

"Yes, but where does the octopus come in?"

Tapping a few more keys, Straw looked closely at the screen. "It would seem that it throws unpeeled bananas in your general direction and shouts at them."

Understanding lit Thunderfunk’s face. "Ah, it is a form of sorcery. He shouts spells that cause the fruit to rise up against his foe." Stroking his chin thoughtfully, he formulated a plan. "We will meet him at dawn, here," he pointed at a spot in downtown Tokyo. "It is there that he will be defeated." His maniacal laughter rolled around the room, scaring a maid cleaning the next room, causing her to knock a picture off of the wall. When the hotel manager found out, he fired her. Because of this her family became destitute, losing their house and being forced to live on the street. Their cat ran away shortly after this, darting into traffic, causing a taxi to swerve into a park car, totalling off both vehicles. The cabbie too was fired, forcing him to get a job in an industrial factory with less than ideal safety records. Within a month he was sick and stuck in a hospital. Ironically, it was the same cab driver that had driven Thunder and Straw around the city when they first arrived. Had he known this, Thunderfunk, the Superchicken, would have been pleased – greatly pleased indeed.

But as it was, he was merely startled by the sound of the breaking picture.